Hello everyone. It’s been a while isn’t it? well today, I
finally got something to write, or I finally able to type something out. And
again, it’s an emotional post. I know, everything about me is emotional. Im
sorry but that’s the way I am. And I think, this post is like a reminder for me
for the future. I don’t know.
This is more like revealing my true feelings than just a
mere post. I’ve been holding things up that I think I might be crazy if I keep
it even more. At least, this small post might give a small relief. When I say
crazy, it’s the real crazy and not just a word to spur.
Before I actually start this revealing and relief session, I
wanna apologize to anyone that might be thinking I’m pointing it to them or
something. I’m not. even if I do, I just hope you would understand. but, again,
I’m sorry.
I don’t really know how to start but lets just say these few
months weren’t the best. in fact it might be some of the worsts I experienced. I
know, God has created this path so that he could test our patience. but I have to be frank, it’s really unbearable. At some point, I had a
breakdown. More than once, I think.
What actually happened to me? well, I won’t go by sequence
but I had an accident for the second time, a family problem, study problem, I
lost some friends, and I got a disease. The latest was the disease and it hit
me hard. really hard. physically, mentally and emotionally. There were other
things happened before too. but, I don’t know.
Everything happened within such a short period that I cant
actually breath. These events messed me up real good. I remembered when I got
into that accident, I even said to a friend of mine that I gave up. I didn’t
even know what and why I gave up. I just felt like giving up. I thought I was
going crazy, already felt crazy. And I still feel like it. These
things happened one after another to the extent that I was thinking “what will
happen next?”.
The first few events, I thought I could manage it. I thought
I could handle it. I thought I have the power to do. But I knew, I was in the
verge of breaking down. but when that disease hit me, I was breaking down like
crazy. Truthfully, I’m a person that’s hardly to cry. even if it’s just a tear,
it would be like hell to get It out of my eyes. I could only cry if it's related
to my family. Or if I really, extremely appreciate something. And I would have
this silent cry. But since the breakdown, I can’t stop crying, even to the
extent sobbing, grieving etc. I’m not the person im familiar of anymore. Each and every night, I would cry and
reminisce about things I’ve done. I kept
on blaming myself. but I guess no one knew about it. of course they dont. and now you all do.
Oh yeah, you guys must be wondering what disease it was.
It’s just hand and foot disease. I know I made it sound like it’s some hell of
a disease but trust me, you wont wanna get it. the disease would normally
attack kids but I don’t even know why I got this thing. Let me take you back to
how it happened.
It was Ramadhan. 2nd day of Ramadhan, if I’m not
mistaken. At first, I had fever. It was raining in the morning here and
suddenly there’s a news about my study. A bad one. Well at least for me. I
can’t graduate this year. I have to extend another year. due to my ignorance, I
just blew myself up. everything that I have planned, every single thing, for me
and my family, I just blew all of that up, just because of my stupidity and
ignorance. It was my mistake. And I don’t even know how to make it up to my family
for what I have done. Mom’s supposed to retire next year and now she has to
keep working until I finished everything and start working. Dad was expecting
me to finish early and help him with his business. and now, I cant do that. I just
ruined their expectation. Don’t even mention about my brother and grandma. But
truthfully I was even more devastated. I was so disappointed to the point that
I don’t know what to do with myself. I became clueless. But I tried to cheer
myself up, saying that I could boost my grades and points. But I know, it’s
nothing, compared to what everyone really feels. It was my mistake. And I cant
take it back. I cant mend it. the only thing I could do is to just finish it.
mom said it’s a hassle now since our financial isn’t that good and what I did
is making it worst. Dad became speechless. I know it’s my fault and sorry isn’t
enough to cover all that. even if I say I would study hard, I know it would not
change much. but truly, I’m sorry Mama, Abah. You’ve expected as much but I
just ruined everything. Im no good after all.
That night my fever got worst. But I just took some
paracetamol and just endured that fever. Thinking I would burden people even
more, I just kept quiet about it. the next day, my throat got worst, so did my
fever. Went to a stupid clinic, they just give me an MC, saying there’s nothing
wrong with me. again, I endured that fever which I knew it’s getting worst and
took some paracetamol and stuck some cooling gel on my head. That night, mom
called. She heard my voice got raspy. I told her I just had a slight fever, not
to worry her. but then, guilt hit me. I told her about the extension, which
at that time she didn’t knew. She was mad, I knew she was. She insisted me to
appeal to the university and said I may have the fever because of overthinking
about this, wanted to hide it. I said that I didn’t wanna hide it, and I was
going to tell her. and the fact that it was raining the day before that made me have that fever, though i'm usually tough. she seemed
to not believe me. but what can I do. I tried to convince her especially about
the extension.
The next day, I went to my faculty manager and she said she
couldn’t do anything. and it’s definite extension for me. only God knows how I
felt at that time. I thought I would collapsed right at that moment. but thank
God I didn’t. but I was blank, speechless. Everything’s falling apart for me at
that time. And my fever didn’t help either. But then I thought I should settled
on my fever first. So I went to another doctor, he said my state was so bad. It
could go worst in a nick of time. and I even got some red spots which I thought
was my allergies. I went back and told my mom again about the extension. She
was sad, disappointed. It’s so clear through her voice. My heart sank with
hers. I just didn’t know what to do. She even hung up. but that night, she
called me again. she said not to overthink about it. it maybe hard in the
future but she said it will be okay. I just got to study hard. that’s it. she
knew I’m this overthinking type of person. I was a bit relieved with that phone
call. Though guilt hit me really, extremely hard. she asked me about my fever,
I told her, part of it. but I asked her to not worry about me. that I would be
okay. and it’s going to subside soon enough. I didn’t want her to worry about
me anymore, not after the extension news. I didn’t her to carry more burden
that she already had. But she did say to go to the hospital, if it got worse.
Again, I tried to convince her to stop worrying about me and that I would be
okay.
I guess bearing too much really got the worst of me. I was
sick like a dog. The next day, I woke up with the red spots spread on the sides
of my palms, feet and some other places. It’s not itchy. As the matter of fact,
it’s kinda painful if i pressed (even gently) on the spots. I cant really grab
things nor can I walk that much. And so i went to the hospital. Because I
didn’t want to burden anyone, I drove myself there. it was funny since I had to
open my fingers and drove with only the heel of my palms. And since my feet had
those too, I can’t really pressed on the pedals. Indeed it was really
dangerous. And painful. But I had to bear it.
The doctor then diagnosed me with this thing called hand,
foot and mouth disease. But good thing my mouth was cleared from it. it’s
viral, it could spread to other people. And I had to isolate myself, the doctor
asked me to. It’s good since I’ve been isolating myself since forever. It
didn’t matter much. since the series of events happening before it, I’ve been
isolating myself from people. I told my mom, about the disease, just the
disease, minus the painful state that I was having. she was worried. Really
worried. Which was opposing to what I
wanted of her. she said my elder would come and fetch me, on the next day, or
the next 2 days? I guess? I cant really remember it well, since this was like a
month ago. I told a friend of mine. She’s also worried. But since she had
fever, I said to her not to worry. she should took care of herself even more
than to worry about me. right? but at least, she heard me. I’m really grateful
of that. Thank you tira. Though it’s not much, but thank you.
I went back, and pain started to kick in. I really cant grab
thing much, I walked miserably. It’s like I better off laying. Like I was bed
ridden. And since my tonsil was really bad, I can’t eat anything. I just keep
on drinking. it was funny because I thought I could lessen my weight using this
opportunity. But the pain was much more than just a mere fun.
For a week, I went back to my real home, not the one I
rented. It was somewhat like hell to me. my hands and feet were full of spots.
I cant walk, I cant even stand. I cant grab, or even touch anything. due to the
awful sting on the spots whenever I do something, all I could do was lay on my
bed. it was meant to be that way. But I didn’t. I went against it. I walked,
more like I crawled, I tried to do things by myself, thinking my presence was
enough burden to my parents. They’re worried but I kept on saying I was okay, I
could endure it, I didn’t want to be spoilt. Even though only God knows how I
cant do them at all. It was so painful that I thought I was walking on endless
spikes or needles or holding or touching them. but I tried to fake a smile,
laughter whenever they asked me about the pain. I said it was just a little
bit, nothing much to worry about. And at night, I would cry, burying my face
onto my favorite pillow, just like a kid. I said to myself “it was hard, but at least I’m still
alive. There are people with even more worst disease than me. this would
subside sooner than I think.” I know I was crazy but that’s the only thing that
I could do. There were so many times that I almost fall whenever I tried to
stand, and when I tried to stand while holding on something, my hands started
to sting like hell. I just didn’t know what else to do. Everything that I did,
it felt wrong, painful and just unbearable. But I always put a smile so no one
worries about me.
Even everyone the house afraid to touch me. the closest was
when mom sat on my bed, waking me up every morning for Sahur. I saw she wanted
to touch me but she was afraid. I was extremely sad but then again, I said to
her, even before that, to not touch me. I didn’t want her to be infected. Also to
other family members. But truthfully, I was extremely sad. Mom and me are like
best friends. normally we would hug each other, joke around and all. we’re so
close like that. but since I got this disease, I can only looked at her, others.
seeing my hands, she said she wanted to fed me, on the first day I came home,
but I said it was fine, I could do it myself. like I said, I didn’t want her to
get infected. It would be the worse feeling ever. But then, for the whole week I
became just the burden when I cant help her clean or do any chores that always
have been mine. As I watched do all that all by herself, I felt really guilty. She
said she understood and that she was fine since she’s being doing it all along
when I’m not home. But I knew it was my duty whenever I got home, real home. But
just by watching her, it saddened me. I felt really guilty. I really wished
that the disease would disappear and I could help her. I’ve worried her enough
with my study, why should I leave her worry about me more than she should. Oh and
I tried to wash the dishes once, and it was really bad on my side. but I tried
to endure it real hard, until she said it’s enough. she said im torturing
myself. I guess I did. but it’s much more unbearable to watch her instead.
And I remembered something. Mom said “maybe my prayers
worked. You’ve been away for too long and all I could hear is your voice
through phone calls. Since I miss you so much I prayed that you’ll be back
sooner, or that you fall ill you just
had to come back home.” Actually, I was supposed to go back even later. And that
her prayers actually worked. Because she missed me. and that even made me feel
more guilty than I already was. I thought it was so stupid of me, for not realizing
that. but not because I wanted to, I had a lot of work that I need to settle
and midterm exams to sit. But I guess, that what they say mother’s prayers will
be granted, no matter what they are. I really did come back, like she wanted
to. And even with an illness.
Mom also said to me that I need to be happy. I didn’t even know
why she said that. she said she had the feeling that I was sad these recent
months and I wasn’t myself anymore. she said I looked depressed, despite the
pain which also caused me black panda eyes due to lack of sleep. she said I looked
depressed, unhappy and stressed out. And there’s this one friend of dad, I don’t
say he’s a shaman or something but he could ‘see’ what happened to me. he said my
spirit was a bit off lately. I’m not myself and so on. that’s what he saw in
me. I guess it’s true somehow. I’m too depressed to bother. Mom said I need to
control my emotion and avoid anything that may make me depress. Because if I don’t,
it will get worse.
After that week, I went back to my rented apartment. That’s
when another wave of negative emotion hit me. Friends avoided me, some didn’t actually
believe I was sick. Some pretended to care, others don’t seem to bother. But for
me, don’t bother to care if you’re not sincere enough to care. It’s hurting me
even more. There’s one even asked me “am I gonna be infected if I sit beside
you? will spread through air?” she asked it almost seriously. it’s fucking
hurt, you know? I almost said “if I knew I should still be isolating and it’s
still not cured, I wont go to class, I wont go near you or anyone! If you’re too
afraid then don’t fucking sit beside me!” but I didn’t. I said something else,
but then she said I took her question too seriously. I mean come on, I’m in the
state recovery. Don’t play with my emotion like that. and don’t stick to me if
you’re too afraid. I don’t need you to stick like that. only God knows how I endured
my mouth, mind and heart and even at a point, my hand. there’s even walked far
away like I’m a walking hazard, walking infectious creature. Come on. I’m not
dumb to go to class if I can still spread this fucking disease to you all. and don’t
even look at me like I’m that disgusting either. I’M NOT GONNA TOUCH YOU. I’M
NOT GONNA HUG YOU. I’M NOT GONNA DO ANYTHING TO YOU ALL. anymore. I’m sick being
treated like this. it’s not that all of you bother anymore. trust me, even if I
was warded, I won’t tell to you guys anyway. Because you know what? I know you
guys don’t bother. It gonna hurt me even more. At one point I even thought that
even I fainted, collapsed even died alone here, don’t bother to care. I’ve hurt
enough, even before I got sick, long before. I’ve been isolated by you guys anyways, what’s
the point to care about me now?
I don’t say that im that good. but somehow, im glad being
like this. we don’t have to pretend anymore do we? I don’t have to pretend and
so you guys towards me. let’s just live our lives like strangers we already
become. Don’t pretend to care anymore.
But truthfully, I wished to have friends that truly care
about me. there were moments that I felt like I need to lean to someone,
seeking help or comfort but I know it’s impossible. Because whenever I do that,
the other person may want something in return. At times, I just want a friend
that really lends me an ear without saying his/her problem back to me and
ignore what I just said. that’s why I’ve decided long ago, since forever, to
just keep my problems to myself because I know it’s not worth telling anyone. They’ll
not listen to it. even if they do, they pretended to do so. I don’t want it to
be unfair and unjust to them by letting them pretend like that. so I’ll just
sacrifice myself and listen to them but I’ll just keep mine to myself. yes, I know
by saying this it’s like saying I’m good and you all aren’t. no, because that’s
the reality. And I’m sick of that. and that’s why, to not have them listen to
my problem, I don’t listen to theirs. And by that I avoided them all. so, by
avoiding them, I don’t have to face the good and the bad of them. and that it’s
my fault that they avoided me now. the disease is just a path for them to avoid
more. Well, we’re all not in good terms anymore, so nothing’s changed. But what
I wanna is that at times I need some support, a little, tiny support from a
group of people called friends, I don’t get one. And I don’t bother to have
that support anymore. because having that support is a huge burden for me in
the future. So yeah, I don’t need it. I can support my own self. I’m still
alive and capable of doing things on my own.
An old friend used to say to me that I’ve kept too many
things bottled up in me. she said one day I’ll go crazy. At first I said to her that it’s okay. and
now, I think I’m in the verge of that. but God’s here with me. Always with me. I
know I could survive and alive as a normal person. But since long ago, I don’t trust
anyone. But after having this illness, it showed more than just people who I should
avoid. It showed people I should still be friend with too. and some that I don’t
expect.
But like mom said “these friends you have now don’t necessarily
keep being your friend in the future. But always know that you’ll have new,
other friends in the future.” I guess that’s true.
And aside from all these, I got a few good chances, which I think
thanks to God I managed to get them. and there are other people who concerned
about me.
However, being said all this, I don’t want any sympathy. That’s
the last thing I wanted from any one of you. im just telling all this is
because I cant bear it anymore. at least, you all, despite being strangers
could feel what I feel. I know some of you may feel like this is just a normal
life and it’s nothing for me to exaggerated or make drama of, but trust me, be
in my shoe and you’ll know how I feel. I don’t want all these happened to me
either but it happened, them all. and right now, I’m accepting them one by one.
Oh yeah, about my disease, the red spots are pretty much
gone. But it starts to peel, the skin that is. so basically it’s hard for me to
shower or anything involve with water. Because if it’s soaked, trust me you don’t
want look at it. as one person said to me “you’re like a snake, shaking off its
skin.” It’s scary looking. So I guess people would be more afraid now than
before. and since it’s peeling off, it’s sting as much as the first time I had
it. so I cant really walk or do anything I want recklessly. It’s just like back
to square one. Only it’s much bearable than before. mom’s able to touch me
again but she’s said my palms are rough, so she’s quite eerie when I touched
her. so better not touch her or anyone then. All that I have are pillows,
teddies. At least better than hugging nothing at all. heh.
Yeah, that’s my story. And tell you what? I cried while
writing this. i poured my heart’s out while writing this. so I don’t mind if
you think I’m such a drama or whatever.
but this is what I’ve been feeling, going through. and all I want is to
have at least one person to understand how I feel, aside from my family. That’s
all. but I know it’s just a wishful thinking.
Fin
p/s : “As I hide my sad tears for that one cause, I will
leave, but please remember me. Please don't forget me.”
