it's the hormones !

is it the hormones or is it the hormones?

*listening to hush hush by automatic loveletters* 

ok..i've been very gloom lately..i feel my life's dull..very dull..nothing seems to excite me..except for reading my old posts..which equals to i laughed/giggled to myself because the stupid things i wrote..but, what i can see is im so unhappy..even TOP doesnt excite me recently, which i think it's bothering me..and i dont have the mood to do anything..all i did was listening to sad love songs, watch one tree hill which obviously playing with the emotions..i dont go out besides class and for food..i dont think i even connected with the world..except for a few  persons..i was like, urmm, better off alone? not talking to anyone, living only in my room and laying on my bed with head's wandering off to nowhere land..to top it off, i have an assignment and sorry lisa, sadly i'm not starting it yet since..i dont know what had happened to me..im just not being myself..

yesterday, if im not mistaken, i was too quiet when i went for lunch..people looked at me weirdly, which i really wanna asked them "what's wrong? got any prob?" then when i got back..while listening to 'love the way you lie', i saw space in 1st level of the parking lot, i was smirking..to no one! have i gone mad or something? then i stayed in the car, not feeling of getting out..listened to few songs..till people looked at me again, weirdly..

i started laughing only when i met farah and ida and when mama called me..then im back to my own quiet self..even told mama bout this..im guessing it's hormones..plus.im in the 'red flag' situation..haha yeah..i guess the pms got me well..

just now..like suddenly..i came up with something..i think it's silly but i think im lonely (??)..i dont know why..it's so hard for me actually, to feel lonely..im mostly wont feel lonely..i dont know..besides, i am a loner..*sigh* like a few days ago, i did thought of wanting someone in my life.. *oh gosh, this is embarrassing* but i dont think so..i dont know..it's just..ahh..i dont know..maybe cause the surrounding? mostly, everyone is like in a relationship..and i'm not..and so, the 'love vibe' thing does somehow annoys me..it's like, "oh mandy, im with this guy!" "hey mandy, my bf bla3!" "hey ya know, my bf yada3" im not pointing to anyone but it's everyone..in general..im sorry but it annoys me sometime..

ya know, for someone like me who never had a guy in my life except for friends and scandals which i dont think it can be considered as scandal, hearing people talking about their love life to me is like making me wanna kill myself sometime..yall can tell, talk to me bout your love life but not too much..think of my feelings too..ok, yall can say that im envy..i maybe am envy..but..this has affected the whole me rather just my heart or brain..i bet no one realized this right? since, i cant be a bad person to just brush it off, ignore to your stories..as a friend, i will listen but there's a limitation to it..i think my expressions are good enough to tell whether im happy, bored, mad, sad or whatever i feel..

plus..sometimes it made me wanna compare myself to yall.."why cant i have someone? maybe im just me much? maybe cause i dont have much male friends?" maybe cause this, that or what? these things got me thinking..hard..but to tell ya the truth, im trying to stand firm in just being single till the 'one' *if it is exist* comes to my life and he shall be the first and the last for me..it's fairytale right? but i think it's possible seems till now i got no one to call as mr boyfie sir..

regardless of all these, i think it's just the hormones..im good with being alone..except the fact that the same old love stories made me bored and annoyed..lessen it a bit ya, peeps! im tired..and..maybe jealous..or whatever..but i think..how bout yall be in my shoe for one time..maybe then yall know how i feel..again I WANNA EMPHASIZE THAT IT'S ONLY THE HORMONES! I'M CONFIRMED!

fin

p/s : please..dont get me wrong peeps..i dont want to face any misunderstanding because of this post..i'm just saying what's in my brain and heart..im..just.....lil bit tired? spare me please..