strong but fragile

6th of april was the day mama went for umrah with granny and cousins..for 15 days..well..i was supposed to follow them but instead i have classes so i cant..rather than to follow,actually, i wanted to go, but the date just wasnt right..i've been helping mom for her preparations..everything was fine..since she used to go for umrah before so she'd just used the the cloths and other things she had before..i was excited for her..how i wish i could go and see the Kaabah with her now..i wanna pray there..well, every muslim must have this feeling of wanted to step into Mecca, feel it, repent, cleanse and purify themselves there..but, like an ustazah said to me that people who have been 'called' by Allah would be able to go there..alhamdulillah mama got the call for the second time and we're praying to go together as a family, insyaAllah..

well..as the days getting nearer to the main date, i was getting restless..i dont know why but i have the thought of regretting on not following her..then, the day before mama went for the umrah, she said things about death and all..i was fighting very hard not to let out any tears..i wanted her to see me as a strong girl because she said herself that as i'm getting older she finds it difficult for me to cry..even the hardest, most difficult thing happened, i wont cry..but only God knows how many times i've cried, only when im alone..i think it's difficult to see me cry to people, only on several occasions..

so, mama told me about death..i mean, if she dies (nauzubillah), she asked me to take care of myself and the family..be good to my elder brother and dad and take good care of them..make sure the house is in good condition..most importantly, never to forget Allah, be a good person and finish the study..she advised me with a lot of things..seriously, that wasnt the time i want to hear all that..she wanted to go to somewhere that is so far away and suddenly she said all that, i really cant accept that..and she asked for my laptop..she typed and asked me to read it and email it to my brother as well..she typed the letter while crying..i just cant see her face that time..i was about to burst into tears but i managed to hold it in..i just stared blindly to the ceiling, trying to fight it..the whole time, from the advice to the letter writing, i tried hard not to cry..i saw everything that she wrote and how i wished i didnt read them..everything that she said, i just wanna be dumb..everything is making me..so..so..weak..i realized that i didnt want her to go..

i kept thinking, will she be ok, will she able to take care of herself, who will she hold on to since there would be a lot of people, some could be so huge and they might just push her and all..im so worried about everything..yes..i know..i cant even take care of myself, why would i asked all that? well..i dont want anything to happen to her..i just wanted her to be safe..and when she's there, i wont be able to contact her..we've always called, mostly she would call me every night..even just a 'hello' would do..but then..when she's there, we cant do that..i felt different..

i know, you guys must think that im such a spoil brat..but 15 days without hearing her voice is a very long, suffering days for me..at first i didnt feel like all these at all but when she said "if im gone or if i die there.." made it all changed..from happy, excited to send her, it turns into fear, sadness..my mind, everything was pitch black on the day we all sent them to the airport..i put my 'happy-and-everything's-gonna-be-alright' face..i tried to laugh but i end up with only smiles..not even a grin..God knows how mentally unready and unstable i was but to see mama was happy and ready to go, i endure the sad feelings..from our house, we went with separate cars which dad drove the ones for umrah and the bags and all..me and bro with my car..i guess my bro could read me, he drove the car and he didnt even try to tease me to change..even in the car, we didnt talk much..

at the airport, i was silent..at least, a lot less chatter than the usual me..as we're waiting for others (relatives, the people from the travelling agency and other people who joined the umrah), i sat on the trolley and i just stared at the floor, sometimes at granny, sometimes mom..granny looked so sad..seeing her, i just turned away..even my brother looked away from them all and just played with his own fingers..then mom asked to take family picture..well, truth is it's difficult for us to take family picture, everytime..we've only took it when my bro graduated, the time mom went to umrah for the first time and that's it..i think..we took the picture..and mom asked me to take pictures of her and us individually..and when she took a picture of me, just me, she said "i wanna take picture of you, you know, if i miss you, at least i could look at this picture..you know that i'll miss you so bad right?" i just kept quiet and smiled..but then i just cant smile when it's time for mom and me to take photos together..but, well, im a good liar, so i managed to smile while making a 'peace' sign..for me, as long as she's happy, im happy..

they went through a briefing and then everyone went to their own family for farewell..mom came up to me and suddenly spread her arms with a smile..sad smile..teary eyes..i went up to her and hugged her..i didnt cry, at first..but suddenly, as mom dunk her face in my shoulder, i heard her sobbing..she cried so hard..hearing, seeing her like that made me cried..i dunk my face to her shoulder while trying to stop crying and be strong..she cried continuously..i bid my farewell saying "mama, take care of yourself..take good care of your health..i'll always pray for your safety..be careful.." all those crying and stutters made me forgot to apologize for everything that i've done..and i regret that..we kept on hugging for a few more minutes..both of us seemed not wanting to let go..it felt so, very heavy..after letting go, and when we're at the gate, she said to remember what she said to me the day before and only i know it..that made me cried even more..at the gate, i tried to control myself, not to cry..and i succeeded..but my gloom says it all..i did also asked my two cousins to help and take care of mom and granny though i know it's useless..wanna know why? from the 'hugging' place to the gate, only mom busy pushing granny's wheelchair, and all..and they didnt even offered a help..and this is the most thing im worried about and still worrying..if at that moment, they were selfish, how bout when they're in Mecca? and finally, at the gate, apart from "remember the thing's i've told you..", she did said "if God pleases, insyaAllah we shall meet again, if everything's alright.." come on! who wont cry listening to that statement? i would! but i kept holding on..i wanted her to go there with happiness and not worrying over me or the family..we didnt even watched them till the very end since dad just asked me and bro to go home since we had to go to north malaysia after that..i saw her searching for us..but i cant do anything about it..im so sorry..

on the way to the parking lot, home and until we went to kedah and back home, numerous times my eyes became watery but i managed to control it..i have to say i was emotionally and mentally unstable but i tried not to show it..i kept thinking how's mama doing there and stuff..and so, my bro decided to try to roam mom's phone which we went through hell to get it for her..at last, she bought a new number and called me..i was extremely happy.without a doubt i felt relieved and im so grateful to Allah when i heard mom's happy and calm voice..she told me a lot of things and alhamdulillah, she's indeed happy..she asked me to call her everyday which i'll try..since the time different is quite a gap..5 hours if im not mistaken..so i've got to count it carefully before i wanna call her..sorry dad, my phone bill gonna go so high this month..hehehe

i did said to myself that i wanna try to restrict myself during these 15 days from loitering, going out and stuff..i just wanna be good..stay at home and that's it..besides, i dont have the feeling to go anywhere..i dont want mom to have bad instincts during her time there..since she always has this bad instinct whenever i went out like till midnight or anything else..i want her to feel calm and know that i'll be and do good though she's isnt here in malaysia..

to mama : 

though i know that you wont be reading this..i know you wont be able find this either..but i wanted to write and say these things which i know i'll not be able to say it to you directly..i know im such a egoist but i dont wanna you see me cry..therefore, i wrote this not just for now but forever..

so i wanna say im sorry for everything..and for not saying sorry during the farewell..hehehe i was still in shocked and unstable at that time..i just couldnt find the words to say to you..all i knew that moment was i didnt want you to go..but alhamdulillah, you're fine and happy and managed to do the first umrah last night..hope you could do more..i wanna say im sorry, i didnt manage to clean the house, i was busy with assignment and waking up late..hehehe well it's expected right? im sorry if im not a good daughter, if i did broke your heart, which i know i did, so many times..im sorry for the tears i made you cried..im sorry for making you worry for everything..i'll try to be a better person - daughter, sister, granddaughter, friend etc to everyone..im sorry for staying far but this is fate, im here in malacca to study and i'll try hard to succeed..like you said "there's nothing more that i could gave and hope from you, except knowledge..knowledge will help you through life though we arent wealthy like others..but most importantly always remember Allah in what you do, where you go and Allah will help you, that's for sure.." i will remember and keep everything you told, taught me..i'll treasure them..i'll try to make you proud one day..most importantly, i'll pray for you..i dont know what else to say but Allah knows what's inside our hearts, right? that's what you've said to me, always..i bear it mind, always..so everything that is inside my heart, Allah knows..

so mama, i want you to be happy there, doing the umrah as perfectly as possible..dont think too much..everything's fine here..we're all good..though abah (dad) has to do all the chores since im back in malacca..heheh i want you to take good care of yourself..be careful..dont talk to strangers! hahah im kidding..pray for me and the family..i cant wait to taste the dates you bought in Madeenah..and yes, i wont be angry..i dont want you to burden yourself..you dont have to force yourself to buy or shop for me..i dont want anything else..the dates are good enough..so long that you'll come back safely..and it'll be hard on you to carry the luggages..just go, do and finish the umrah..that's all..okay? and im sorry i cant go and pick you up on the 20th..i got midterm tests..dont worry..i'll be back on the 22nd..i know you're sad but i cant do anything bout it..hope that you'll understand and pray for me..i'll be back with extremely happy face and i'm gonna hug you so tightly until you're breathless..hahaha i miss you so much..i love you all my heart..you're the most incredible mom, no one will be able to replace you..not even in 1000 years..thank you for everything..thank you for your love..thank you for carrying me for 9 months, gave birth and raising me up to a naughty girl i am now and im sorry for that..thank you for taking care of me..i'll try not to be a burden in the future which i know i will..again, im sorry in advanced..thank you for the pyjamas you sewed for me, look! im wearing it while writing this and it's wet with tears..hahaha i dont have anymore idea..hahahah anyways I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MAMA AND I MISS YOU A LOT! PLEASE COME BACK SAFELY..I'LL BE WAITING FOR YOU..AND EVEN NOW, IM COUNTING THE DAYS..WHEN WE'RE BOTH HOME, I PROMISE I'LL PLUCK YOUR GREY HAIRS OK? HAHAHA I'LL CALL YOU EVERYDAY OKAY? MAMA, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! 

sincerely,

your daughter

fin

p/s : i cried through the whole post while playing 'that woman'..just like the title, for her, i'm strong but deep inside, im so fragile..dont wanna let her know that..keep this as a secret ok, you guys? ;)