Sunday, July 8, 2012

a deceitful smile, for you

hey peeps. it's been a while, hasnt it? sorry, i've been busy with something else. i could feel the dustiness of this blog. but i really dont have anything to write. but maybe today i got one. and let me warn you, it's kinda emotional? well, i dont wanna put it like that but it could turn out like that. and it could bring confusion and misunderstanding. might as well dont read it.

okay, the truth is that i felt i've changed these days. i'm much more sensitive? i dont know. rather than sensitive, i'm somewhat more frank? i dont know how put it in words. it's these emotions playing around in my mind and of course in my heart too. maybe lonesome? i don't know. but what i do know that these emotions are piling up in me. 

some things happened. quite a few things. and they happened along this 2012. and i could put as first half of 2012 and the soon second half to be, not my year. i faced a lot of heartaches, not the love ones, but other kind of heartaches to the extent that some of it were unbearable. it's not just involving myself but there were some that involved my family too. it makes it more hurtful. but you know, for everyone, i tried to endure it. i can't lie to myself, these things are painful, very hurtful. and as much as i wanna forget them, i just can't. somehow they left scars. my mind, my heart even my reputation, my pride too. i don't just talk about them to everyone as i know not everyone wanna listen. they said they would or willing to but... well i dont wanna put it as a lie but i know, everyone has their own problems and maybe even bigger than mine. 

we just have to be the listener. but listening is tiring. listening is boring. listening is sicking. but! when only it's too much than it should be. i'm not pointing this to any specific individual. it's a general thing and i bet everyone would agree to this. right? if it's just a small little thing, bear it, solve it, confront it or anything that you could with it. if it's a huge thing, maybe seeking for an advice is good. 

what am i blabbering right now? 

some things are connected to each other and it was unbearable but it became bearable and became unbearable again. i know i wasnt supposed to make it the same or to even compare it but the similarities, i just can't overlook. i could feel my brain is cracking, as well as my heart. not because of studies but due to all these craps. should have forgotten them but there are things ignited them. the medium has now dysfunction, as far as i'm concerned. but there are other mediums penetrating in, trying to find useful information, turning it to a source to bombard. a fort has been built but i'm not sure it's good enough to defend. to ignore it somehow is hard. i dont wanna turn it into an infection. 

i dont hate people. i just dont. but i  may dislike. it's hard for me to forget but i definitely forgive. i dont put myself as revengeful person but whatever that has happened, bad or good, my mind kept it well and safe. i'm suffering because of that. because my mind keeps on reminding me things i dont wanna remember anymore. the fact that i, myself am not a good person. so i hope for forgiveness. 

again, what am i saying? why am i saying all these? i dont even have the answers. i couldn't keep my mind straight. but it shouldnt be a bother to all of you. don't worry, i'm not gonna smack you all or something. but sometimes, like i used to say to a friend of mine which i think of her like my sister, "you wouldn't know if one day, you'll see me, not here but in the asylum." she got mad at me because i kept things to myself too much. i wasn't like back then in high school where i could just lift the chair and threw it to someone whenever i wanted to vent my anger. i'm going 21 this year. problems are getting complicated and i need to face and solve it like an adult. but i don't know if i will be as rationale as i should be in the future. when it involves the world rather than a small group of people, i don't think it's easy to tackle. but it's a good thing when there's God and a family that always backed you up and constantly being there with you. even that, i just can't show my sadness to them. my family put me as a heartless person, never let a tear fall. but sadly, i'm not as heartless. but i managed to show one, being all heartless. heartless and ignorant. 

but seriously, right now, i feel heartless. i don't know how i feel now. well, i don't feel a thing. it's blank, empty. it made me wonder if my heart still functioning well. well, it is since i'm still breathing and all. i'm still alive, alhamdulillah. 

well, let's just put these as phases that i must go through in life. we need to be optimistic. Allah's always there. and like i used to say to a few people, if we feel we're right, we need to stand firm. if we feel that we're wrong, just apologize. but i just gotta say this, i'm tired of obliging people and just let them step me, my mind, heart and pride and my family like it's nothing. it's not nothing. it's something. but i know, God is there and he'll judge for whatever we all did, doing and will do. despite all that, there's always a silver lining out of all these. so, it's okay. i'll endure as much as i could. well, i think studies could cover these sores up for a moment. i hope. 

"apa2 je lah. lantak lah. suka hati lah. biar je la. tak yah la amek port. tak yah la amek peduli." these are the words by my accomplice, my one and only brother. we faced quite a few things together. and we always cheer ourselves up like this. and mom and dad would say the same. "let it be. it's alright. it's nothing. it'd be fine. it will be okay." and so these all will be my words, i hope, to everything that happened, happens and will happen in the future.

oh and people who knew what i'm saying, do keep it as a secret please? i beg of you. the things i said were important to be closed and sealed. 

well, i dont suppose this to be writing all these right here. i know there'll be misunderstanding or some sort but hey! this is my blog. i can't write whatever i want here. but i hope there's none of that negativity. this is purely from my heart. i dont intend for any sympathy nor misunderstanding. i dont mind if you guys wanna laugh at me for being this miserable because i dont care. i know there are people who are much more in misery, having much bigger problems than mine, maybe even more humiliating. i could see my problems as small, tiny bits compared to other people. so i dont deserve any pity or anything. because you know what? i'm alright! i'm fine. perfectly fine. i'm eating right and sleeping comfortably. 

oh yeah, to occupy myself, i played a game in ipad called 'shall we date? : Ninja Love'. i fall in love with the rpg and the characters. sasuke, kotaro and saizo. i guess that sis i said in the previous paragraphs knew about this. lol i should find a boyfriend, a combination of these three characters. hehehehe well at least it pushes my heart to a happy state and my mind too.


p/s : smile. 

oh and i'm listening to 2ne1's i love you. i'm loving it. hehehe