Perampas?

hey peeps! I know it's been a while but hey let's just start (putting aside the last post as that's more of an update) with something sassy, scandalous and well, something i can't grasp till today.

Perampas, someone that tries to be or an actual home wrecker. A slut. Okay slut is kinda like too far but hey, it gives off the same vibe. *shrugs*

I was talking to my mom about a male cousin of mine, let's call him R. Me and him, we're kinda like good buddies. Of the same age. Brought up together. So we're kinda close. So he's married, about a year or so.

The wife, N, not the prettiest. But she's nice, at first. Good repo, i must say. Polite, pious, friendly, adaptable, rajin, well i could go on and on about how nice she is, on the outside. Like i said, she got a good repo. Elders adore her, the young ones like her. I even said to R's sister, N is a good example, wifey material.

But you know, i can feel when things ain't right. At first i thought it's like a paranoia. She seems to act differently whenever R and me like hanging out, sembang2. Like i said, we're close. And he's like very talkative. So there's always things to say, to discuss. But when he got excited, she will buat muka. I mean, i get it. Jealousy. But at the time, i feel like it's just me, thinking that.

Slowly, R seems to create a gap. And it's widen. They will spend the night in our house like every fortnight or so but. Slowly, they just didn't. Well R wanted to but he would cancel at the very last minute. I mean I'm cool with that. He's married anyway. But he seemed different. Less talk, avoiding conversations. Just unfamiliar. And it's not just me this time. But everyone in the house felt it but never actually talked about it.

Long story short, she got issues. Especially with those whose pregnant. And when we (my family) talked about it, they agreed that N could be the cause. Like she's afraid. Insecure. Of how closed R and myself. I know, the way that I dress at home really doesn't help with situation. I mean he's a nice, somewhat islamic guy, and I'm like, how should put it? I 'expose' myself too much at home? Lol i mean it's my house, my home after all. I mean it's not like i wear something raunchy but like seriously? My leg hair is crazier than his. Lol

The fact that he used to, whenever he came over, he would come and lie next to me and talked and watched movie till morning. Slapped each other. Laughed at each other. I mean we're just close.

Alright i may be daring and like sometimes overly confident. But girl, seriously? Time and time again, i gotta boost your ego, your confidence. I kept on convincing her that he would not look at other girls. Truth be told, he's not good looking. He knows that. I even said that to him and he acknowledged it with laughter. Time and time again i said, i proved we're just cousins and nothing more. But she's just. I don't know.

So my mom said maybe she's just afraid that i will rampas him from her. Like girl, are you serious? lol that's the funniest thing ever.

But this situation just clicked on my past memories. During schooling years, college years. I faced the same thing in every era.

And then I realised. I have issues with couples.

(Wow it took me this long to get to the real deal lol fuck me!)

I remember i got somewhat like a bestie during primary school. We used to hangout. She's nice. WAS nice to me. When we get to high school, despite being in different classes we remained friends. And then one day she told me she liked a boy in my class and he happened to be my friend. Most of my friends happened to be boys at the time. Like 80% of them were boys. So this guy was kind cool. He's super tall and he's somewhat popular coz he got the look? I guess? Idk. He's a drummer too btw. Like they have an actual band, they did some gigs. Normally me and the boys with few girls would hangout in class during recess (we're kinda bad students btw) and like practiced some songs. Being a good friend, i tried to help her. I told him about her, and her feelings. He's a jerk tho, coz he knew he's like kinda good looking. He flat out rejected her. Like "fuck, that bitch is ugly. And fat. No I don't like her." Things like that. I mean the boys, they've been telling me they wanna have fun, they wanna get the pretty girls but one day they wanna settle down with the good, nice girls. But for the time being, they wanna some hot ladies. I get that. But my intention, my help, turned into something that I didn't expect to happen. I heard from the girls that the bestie of mine (at the time) said i wanted to rampas him instead. Like wtf?

Fyi, i have a secret pledge for myself that i would not take or rampas any guy that any of my friends like. Like i wont do that.

Thanks to her being such a bitch, which she just avoided me, after a lil confrontation, I thought hey i might just go ahead and get closer to the guy! And he's like always nice to me, at times he bullied me but i bullied him as much. Okay so I was a mean bitch by trying to get cosy with him but like wtv. We remained friends until we're done with high school and i never contacted him again.

High school drama never ends, truly. I got another bestie. She's the new girl and from the next class. She liked this super reserved guy from another different class. Heard rumours that he was so fat but like after one long school holidays and few months after that he lost super effing weight, and eventually got hotter? Body wise and personality wise. I mean i like cool, mysterious guys, those that don't speak much but like not poyo at the same time. But he did look good and got this mysterious vibe. And so my friend, who we shared common love of music, she said she got a crush on this guy. I had this repo of being a cupid, by cupid i mean postwoman. Lol so she asked for my help knowing my repo. She asked me to give him a letter. So i said okay. I remember it was sometime around after recess, when everyone was rushing back to class, i went to his class. I knew most of the bad male students. He's definitely not a bad student. In fact he has this noble aura going on. Lol I was like asking the guys in his class to ask him to come out so that i could pass him the letter. He came out with a confused face. (I have like super good memories, don't judge me) and it's kinda cute coz he seemed scared of me. (Yeah, i was always punished for bringing illegal things in school, cut classes, vandalism etc etc... Bad repo. Thanks. I changed, just so yall know lol) so i said something like "hey dude, listen, my friend wanted me to pass you this. *give letter* she likes you. So reply this." in the almost thuggish way. Lol so funny. He was shocked but he said thanks and i just nodded and left the scene. The boys were asking, i was like "hell nah, just being cupid. As usual." They knew my deal anyway. Fast forward, they did text, share music through the texts. But they never hangout like face to face. So one day he asked her out, i guess on a date. But then it didn't work out. But then what shook me was that she said to me "why do i feel he keeps on describing you in our conversion?" I was like "explain". Obviously we weren't allowed to bring phones in school. But i did. Lol so she said "like he mentioned your class, he described you, as in you, you." I was like okay so? But i told to keep texting him, maybe she's just paranoid or wtv. As days went by, whenever i saw the guy at the hallways, he would smile, like shy smile. In my brain, I was like wtf dude? But i just smiled like straight face smile because i thought maybe they sorted things out. So i thought everything was fine. This went on about almost a year or so? And then i remember when almost time for SPM, my friend brought the topic up again, about him describing me. I was like i don't know shit. Like i didn't even have his number. I didn't even talk to him in school. She said about him saw her which was actually me. Because she would ran and hide whenever she saw him. I guess she wanted to test if things were right, she asked me to send a letter to him. Wait! That's not it! I think i went to confront him about this! Yes! I said to her that i will go and ask him about it. Which i did. I went to his class, called him out and dragged him to the emergency exit. I can't remember exactly what i said but i think i asked him like did he really know who he texted and that my friend really liked him and she wanted clarification. He was shocked. I was shocked because he was shocked. Lol he said "so it wasn't you? I thought it was you all along!" I said "obviously it wasn't me! Like i said from the beginning that MY FRIEND wanted me to send the letters." As adorable how shocked he was, i felt guilty towards my friend. But it's great knowing he was interested in me lol oh fuck, I'm such a bitch. So when i told her about him thinking it was me that he texted, she cried. Obviously. And heartbroken too. Obviously. He even stopped texting her ever since. She asked me if ever talked to him again, i said no. But he did smile to me whenever we saw each other. I just acknowledged it as it was. I think he did say hi about once or twice but that's about it. I felt guilty af. Tho I shouldn't, right? And then me and her just grew apart. I believed she joined the 'mandy is perampas' girl squad for a while and just lost within that sea of people. And i never heard of the guy either. After years, in my mind, I thought, i should just take the offer. Get closer to the guy. So I won't be as #foreveralone as i am now. I could have been with someone. What a life. What a lost opportunity. But then i remember, i dont wanna be a slut. That's the route i took. It's not really a slut thing but like i don't know. I mean if i knew she would join that club, I would just take the guy. But wtv. Past is past.

Well there are other stories but i think that's enough for now. I know i know. High school drama. But like i said as the era changed, this issue still remains the same. I don't intend to be a perampas. I never even thought to be one. Like why would i? And most of them, who called me that, were closed to me. Like such a waste of good friendships. But it's a good lesson for me tho. Like if you actually want someone, just go get them yourself. And if the guy is good enough and he likes you, just go for it. And redha if he doesn't.

But that's that. Nothing's change. I am alone as ever. But like my mom said, maybe i will get someone better. Best of the best. Who knows? God knows what's best for me and i truly believe that. So I'm just gonna wait at this tower, looking at the stars, waiting for my prince charming on a white horse to come and sweep me off my feet, if he can tho coz I'm heavy af lol

One thing tho. Ever since forever, whenever someone called me perampas or if i heard rumours about me being a perampas, i gotta say it boosts up my confidence even more. Like "oh yeah? I guess this face, thicc body (padahal gemuk lol) does me good then. Market ada la kiranya! Lol" i can't even be mad. Like that makes me some kind of 'hot stuff' lah lol puih berangan! But a girl can dream. I mean being a hot stuff, not a slut Lol

Well that is all for this post. So girls out there just be yourself. Be confident. If you know what you did is right, just act like wtv. Have a crush? Go for it! Body shamed? Brush it off! You wouldn't know what in store for you so just go ahead and dare yourself! (Note to self)

This reminds me of the movie Easy A lol

Fin

P/s: less daring now, tu yang foreveralone tu. lol

#nowlistening : i wanna be yours by arctic monkeys

i'm back, back again

Hey what is up you guys! So it's been i don't know? 3 years of hiatus? I feel bad, seriously, for ditching this blog. I loved it. It's like my little diary which happens to be public and for everyone to read. Lol why did i even stop? I can't even remember it myself.

About a few weeks ago, i suddenly opened this blog again and i said to myself "you know what? Imma start writing again! Now that i am free and wiser and after many things that have happened. I finally got a reason to write again!" And so i did.

So this post is more or less like an update. When i say update, it's gonna be a super duper long one. Worth the 3 missing years! Lol maybe not.

So let's start of with yours truly. I have finally graduated in 2015. Started pupillage/chambering in January 2016. Had my convocation somewhere in September 2016. Called to the bar 2 days before Xmas of the same year. Started practicing January this year. The journey was tough, but I'm glad that i got them done. I managed to hang on. To keep moving. Despite all the breakdowns, the frustration, the anger etc I'm pretty much alive and well. Never leave my emo being though. Still emo as ever. Still having this little black emo heart in this soulless shell named body. But i feel wiser now. More mature. Though at times i feel dead inside. I realised that i have more responsibilities, more feelings to be taken care of. Even more so concealing my feelings, more than ever, if that is even possible. Since I'm living back with my parents. My emotions are pretty much happy and bright on the outside. At times i feel dark and sorrow on the inside but it's fine. It's normal. It's just a feeling after all. It will pass. Right? Sigh. 

Oh yeah, despite hating law course, i think I'm doing good being a lawyer, pretty much. Lol thanks to my mom for helping me with basically everything. Trust me, no one cares about me in the office and can only lean on my mom to learn things, at home. Which she will give me lectures and tutorials on how to deal with this and that. That, i will vent in my other future posts. But I'm thankful, clearly because my mom is here to teach me everything. Tak la terkontang sangat. but i know many people got it worse. so i'm basically thankful for that.

Also, i did give some thoughts about furthering studies. Now that i have the civil license, I thought of having the syarie one as well. But to have that i gotta go and take a diploma for it. I'm planning to do so next year. And i have this future planning of maybe taking another diploma in business or psychology after that. I love to study, but i wanna do something that i like this time. Or at least beneficial for my future. My parents are super supportive when regards to this. Mom said better to do it when you're still single. True that. We shall see what the future holds for me.

On to my family. My dearest, beloved grandmother passed away mid January this year. We kinda already seen it coming. I was hoping she could go for another year or two. But at least i managed to make her proud and happy during her last days. I managed to be admitted as a lawyer before she died and i just couldn't describe how happy i made her when i said i finally became a lawyer. At the time, i knew, she wasn't there anymore. Her soul wasn't probably there anymore. She was in her 44 days period before death. But surprisingly she looked at me, smiled ever so softly while laying motionless on her bed when i told her the good news. I was the one who saw her taking her final breath too. Man, I'm writing this in massage parlour while getting my feet massage and i feel like tearing up. Not cool. Lol but will write about this up in another post. But i missed her ever so much. I can't even describe it. Semoga doa aku sampai, that's all. Deep breath. 

My parents, well they remained the same. Mom, she's getting older, i can feel that. I'm scared. I truly am. She's getting tired. And i still act like a baby around her. Which is opposed to what i should do, that is helping her. I tried to help her financially, I became her personal driver, personal bag carrier. Lol but I'm trying my best. My father, well he, after about 2months my grandmother died, he got a heart attack. Which almost cost his life. At the time, actually we're still recovering from my grandmother's death, we were so scared that we would lose him too. It's just unbearable. Doctors required stands (the spring thingy) to be inserted and now he's getting better. Well he tends to act tough but we all know he's being pretentious. At night he would sit down, trying to calm himself. His asthma isn't helping either. But still, he's getting better. Day by day it's getting harder for me to just leave them, especially when it's just me and parents living in this house. I just don't wanna regret anything. After the death of my grandmother, it's just freaking me out. Everything. I just don't wanna lose anyone but i know I can't control anything. But at least I don't wanna regret anything. Uhhh. Fml. 

My brother, my dear ol brother. He got married. Got a year old son. Soon to be another one popping out the oven. My mom babysits the boy from noon to maghrib as my brother basically moved out now. As much as i hate kids, especially when they scream and cry, this kid grew on me. I mean he wants my parents and me more than his parents. Like how is that possible. The kid kinda scared of me but like he likes to tease me a lot. They all said maybe he sees me as someone of his age so he likes to play with me, like a lot. Thanks to his hyper ness i don't even need to go to gym and just chase him around. Thanks kid. I dont say i super love him, but yeah, it's bearable. At times he clings to me too much. So annoying. But yeah wtv.  He called me "D" too? like from Wee to B to D? my mom said it could like 'darling'? coz he always called it me out like in a very soft manner. like "d~~" so he's kinda like my mom's bff and like idk my boyfriend. lol you're good kid, you're good.

Love life? Alone as ever. Still in my dream world full of cuties, bass players, handsome daddies lol when i think about it, I didn't even make an effort to find someone like real person in like 5 years. None approached me either. Again, like i said to myself and to everyone, "lelaki melayu/malaysia suka bihun". What do you mean bihun? Putih, kurus. And i'm like udon right here tqvm. Lol mom be like "go find a mat salleh lah. Like finn balor ke." Finn balor is a wwe wrestler btw and super hot. And an irish man too! yums! Lol on a serious note, i've been thinking about other things too much that i tend to brush this topic off. Like for some reasons i just wanna keep dreaming, as it would hurt less. But one thing fer sure, i want a husband and not just boyfriend. Stability is my priority. Ya know what i mean? Besides, I've hit passed the 'i want a bf!' period like long ago. Soon to be 26, so i should at least think of stability. Right? Wrong? Lol wtv man. But right now, parents is my no 1 priority. 

Well this isn't as long as i expected to be. But maybe I'll write in a much detail manner in another posts. Depends on my kerajinan though.

Oh yeah! Before i end this post, me and min have a youtube channel together! Click on this link https://m.youtube.com/channel/UCbIKrryhO8e_CurASFbGxZw to check us out!

Fin

P/s: #nowlistening - cancer by mcr. Fuck.

also this was written like last 2 weeks. lol #stillprocrastinatingthings

bored and random

hey people! it's been a while, huh? well, frankly i've got nothing to write. my life is dull as ever. and currently, im writing this because i'm bored. so bored. lol

yep, that is pretty much me right now. i dont have the feeling to do anything. and assignments are piling up but i dont really wanna do it. i just dont wanna. lol

oh yeah, yesterday, i thought of something. what if i start a advice column or such. i mean advice on relationship and stuff like that. though i am single since forever. not to boast but people always said that i'm kinda good with the advice thing(?). lol and i love advising people. for me, it's like a new experience, feeling, etc i could learn. i've advised kids to married people. but it's just like an idea for them rather than to really apply what i said. so. umm. well, yeah. should i do it??


fin


p/s : after all it's just an opinion.

is it a crush? like? or love?

I was hit with this question, a few days ago, by a friend of mine about a guy.

How should I write this?

Okay, let’s start with who is this guy I’m talking about. Truth is, I don’t know him. I never knew him. I umm how umm. I don’t really know how to put it in words. Okay umm. Last 2 years? Maybe 3 years ago, me and my friends, the breaks in between classes, we used to just hang out at the cafeteria in our campus. So umm one day, *omg this feels like a story telling tale or whatever you wanna call it as! Lol*, one day, we went up to that café *yes, it’s on the 2^nd floor of the block* and went to find a table. So got the nearest from the route we came from. we sat there, chit chatting, as usual. And then, a group of guys caught by my pervy eyes. Lol they’re sitting near a pillar, a few rows difference.

And then I said to my friends “hey, that guy looks cute.”

Normal, right?

The abnormal part was that, each and every time/every day that we went to the café, the guy and his friends were always there. same seat. Same table. And we’re sitting on the same place too. since we pretty much sure that he’s not from our course, so we don’t actually know his name. don’t even know his age too. he seemed to be around my age? And because we always saw him but not knowing his name, I just came up with one. “Akim.” I said to my friend. akim is a celebrity here in Malaysia. 

this is the real Akim, the malaysian artist. 

Akim and this ‘akim’ clone, they have same features, maybe? I think so. this guy is much taller. fairer skin? With a longer hair. A bit. he looks good to me. hahahaha but none of my friends thought the same. but then since we’ve been seeing him a lot, that name stuck. And we’ve met eyes quite a few times. I caught him smiling at me too, well I’m not really sure but I think so. he smiled shyly though. Heheehhe I know I blushed like hell each time I saw him, so there’s no doubt about it. lol and I always be this giddy like seriously giddy when I saw him.

And the fact that one of his friend acted like this evil step mother, which one of mines acted the same too, so me and this Akim guy got into the same situation. My friend would stare at him like she’s going to eat the hell of him and his friend would do the same to me. which of course I won’t be bug by it.

There’s one time where this one narrow hallway near our café opened up a small, temporary accessories stall. I was about to go and take a look with my friends and right at the exact moment, he popped in front of me! I didn’t see him at all and suddenly he’s there. and because it’s crowded due to the stall, I tell you, it was like a loongggg moment. he just stood there in front of me and I could do nothing but to look away. of course I grinned like an idiot. And he too was like blushing all the way. And! I was standing on a very small divider. If someone actually knocked me, I would ended up hugging him. but thank God that didn’t happen! Wait! What if that happened? Heheheeheheh

There’s even one time where we had a midterm. A 2hour paper. While waiting before going into this exam hall, I saw him. I thought he just wanna bug his friends or something. Then when I went in, trying to look for my friend behind, I saw the ‘step mother’. My mind was like ‘he’s here!’ when I turned back my head, 45 degrees to the right, he’s there! for God’s sake, he’s there! I’m not sure If he saw me but for the first 30mins, I just looked at him. I didn’t even open my question paper, if I’m not mistaken. But thank God he left after that 30mins, busted~ he didn’t know how to answer his paper! Haahahahahah since I knew that the hall mixed with other courses, I think he’s a business student?

Then day by day, it’s the same. I saw him a few times in my apartment premise, maybe he lived here too. but then I didn’t saw him anymore. I saw him with a girl, like quarrelling? My face showed how I was downed by that. he saw it too, he looked at me but I looked away. that I confirmed because I was walking near the place they quarreled.

Then, I’ve began to hardly see him. once every semester? And then that’s it. but I managed to see him gaining and losing weight a few times. and then last semester, somehow I saw him at another apartment  next to mine while sending a friend of mine there. truth is, I thought I’ve forgotten about him. never really take him serious though, even before. I just thought of him as someone cute. A cutie, for my eyes’ pleasure. That’s all. of course I blushed or giddy or sad when I saw him do this and that but it never really stick in my mind nor my heart. I was surprised when I saw him that night. I was as giddy as I was before.

Having a small crisis with this friend of mine that acted like stepmother, let’s call her A, she told B, another friend of mine to tell me something. This happened umm august last year? umm A said that she went to the Starbucks, at the city, and there’s Akim, working there. she found the name was ‘A….’. so the only thing that’s right was his name started with A. lol so then A told B that Akim, being cashier, flirted with her, or something. Attempted to flirt. I guess? I don’t know. B told me all these. I was at first shocked but then it was just for a second that I turned into sad and in split second I didn’t feel a thing. Because I know I don’t have any feelings for him. then I thought maybe I was jealous. That I wanna see him doing that to me. but then, I thought “What the heck.” Maybe because of the crisis, I didn’t even bothered by this guy. and I didn’t really wavered by the story. It could be untrue, right?

This semester.

Let’s just say, I saw him quite a few times. I saw him going to class, that he’s lost. It’s funny that he didn’t even know where his class was. We met eyes for a moment before I looked away. then I looked back, he was opening every door to check if it’s his class. Lol cutie poop!

Oh yes! There’s one time after night class, me and the girls went to this restaurant. Since we went by separate cars, me and one friend arrived first. We sat there and talked. And then! I saw the step mother! I was shocked. His table was in front of ours. Positively thinking, I thought Akim won’t be there. as soon as the second car arrived, I said to my friend, B, “hey, step mother is here!” and B slyly said “he’s here too, Akim’s here.” I was like WHAT? B was like “you didn’t see him? he’s there.” she gave me the position and God damn! He’s there! he’s already blushed, smiled when I saw him. God~ seriously. You guys wanna know what? Never once I look good in front of him. he always saw me wearing t-shirt and ripped jeans. Never once he saw me looking at least better. But I don’t really care. Since I knew his existence there, I can’t stop smiling. Oh and the step mother even stood up and changed his seat, sitting next to him. I guess he wanna protect him from me? LOL and then, suddenly he, plus a friend, got up and went to pay. And then they walked away. suddenly I saw them in this car, the same car as mine but his was white and mine’s black. I was like ‘omg~’ lol he drove it too, so it’s totally his car. Omg~ hahahaha

And then~ yes! I was coming out from a convenient shop in my campus, and when I looked to the right, he’s there. we’re drinking water bottle at the same time. good thing I didn’t spill any. But he was about to. LOL I quickly looked to the left and get moving. I was walking like a robot, it was hell of embarrassing but I just gotta run. And I don’t know why this misfortune happened but a senior of mine called out my name. 3 TIMES! I just gotta make a u turn and walked to her. good thing I was wearing earphones, so that thing became an excellent excuse. My peripheral saw he walked to the other end, having a lost face. lol like he just saw a ghost. Lol

But! But! But! Buuuuttttt!

There’s a very recent event happened to me. last Friday, I went for lunch/dinner and shopping with my friend/neighbor. Let’s call her S. when we’re eating, she suddenly raised the topic of love. and then we remembered that Akim worked at the Starbucks at that  mall. Since we didn’t know how true was the previous story from B, S told me to give it a try. I too wanted to buy Frappe there so yeah, what the hell right? Consider it to be authentication test too. lol so after we ate, shopped, the moment came. It was funny. Lol we went to the Starbucks, stood there at the door and looked. “He’s not there.” I said. but S asked if I wanna still go and buy that Frappe. As I was about to say yes, he popped from I don’t even know where, standing at the counter. I cant even remember my expression but I know I was shocked. Went to the counter, he pushed his to the side and acted like he’s counting the coins! Another person became my cashier. But because I was already shocked, I became speechless. It’s so obvious, about me being speechless and him, suddenly became coin counter. Hahahahah he was standing, bending his body that I thought his nose can even reach the table. Lol he didn’t even lift his face but he was there, next to my cashier. His friend stuck on his right side. lol pity you, dude. And you guys know what? The cashier asked for my name, so I gave it. she said it wrongly, not once, not twice but 5 times! 5 times I had to repeat my name! damn! I bet he could already memorized my name by then. Damn~ God knows how embarrassed I was. As soon as I’ve paid, I went to S and said “Just kill me. please.” She was like smirking and just went with my flow. I took that frappe and with happiness I sipped it. I took a glance, he’s still there, bending, counting the coins. LOL when we wanna go out, the friend was extremely chirpy said “Thank you!!” and the others said but with normal tone. But him, I saw him stood up and looked but didn’t say anything. oh yes, I just gave a kitty grin to him and the friend since I can’t even look at him. my eyes was extremely small, crescent, while I was slurping that drink. We walked out and me and S were laughing. S said she stared at him all the way. He didn’t even lift his face even once. He was so focused on counting/arranging the coins. LOL

OH! i'm missing the most important fact! he's wearing a santa hat! he looked fucking adorable!!!!!!!!!!

his side profile while counting the money, almost looked like the real Akim.

Truth of matter is I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t think I can face him anymore, in campus. I mean after the Starbucks incident. But I put a lot of thinking about it. I mean, if he didn’t have any feelings for me, he could just attend me as my cashier and me being his customer. Right? and what’s with the sudden coin counting? LOL but then, when I think about it again, it could be that he likes one of my friends? but since I’m the who look at him a lot, he became shy? I don’t know. I don’t know what the real thing here is anymore! lol drama~ lol but he seriously got me confused by his acts. That’s it.

Oh wait, have I mentioned what I like about this guy? because he’s mysterious. Right until now, I just now his name, the car that he drove but without the plat number and I think I know where he lived. That’s it. I’ve never talk to him. but I want to. And the fact I think he’s cute, his smile is cute. I like the way he smiles, he looks like a kid when he smiles. He has this bright, chirpy face, I like that. and he’s the typical criteria (appearance wise) I wanted – tall, fair skinned and almost-crescent eyes. But the curiosity of wanting to know more about him attracts me. and to think that I’ve been doing this for 3 years, maybe, I think it’s amazing. Lol I mean I don’t really have feelings for him, why am I so curios? Right? 

The fact that next semester, I’ll be taking leave since there’s no subjects for me to take. I have to wait for 4 months for the another sem. I don’t know if he would still be there. I hope so, he would be there. but when I think about it could my last time seeing him. at some point, I’m a bit sad. But then, it’s not something that’s easy to solve. I mean I’m not bold enough to walk up to him and say it straight to his face “Can we be friends?” I’m not that bold. But I wanna try and talk to him, just once. But I think it’s impossible. And to hope for him to suddenly do that, talk to me would be a miracle. So yeah. I guess, if it is to be the last I see him, then I think I’m happy. at least I manage to know his real name, like the one my friend said. I’ll try to be satisfied by it. but I wish to know more and talk to him. Well, that I gonna leave it to God to give me that. who knows if I got to be friend with him, right? hehehehe ah! Impossible!

Oh I told mom about him, just some bits. Mom named him as mike mizanin. You know, the miz from wwe? Hahahahah she said the real Akim looked like Mizanin. So this cloned Akim should be looking like one. LOL 

the miz. 

Can I just laugh? Hahahahahaha it’s been a while since I actually write something here. and I wrote this? hahahaha hell yeah it’s funny, at least for me it is. hahahahah

So now tell me, what is this? crush? Like? Or love? I think it’s just crush. But since last Friday, I’m still smiling, until now I am. And when I hear B1A4 – hey girl, I thought of him. so I made that song official when I think of him. lol I’m so loose in the head. Sigh. Wish to see that smile of his one more time. lol I’ve been wishing too much. I don’t think God gonna grant any of these silly desires of mine. Whatever. as long as that can keep me smiling, I’ll be wishing even more.

and please tell me what to do? give me suggestions!!

p/s : I should be sleeping. Got another 2 hours before I really have to get up for class. oh when i look back at these pictures, miz sure have the same smile as the real Akim. not the one i have crushed on. but the cloned Akim seemed to have the same smile too, i think? LOL

halloween, birthday and some ranting

hey people, wassup? oh god, it's been so long since i posted something here. truthfully i have nothing to share to you guys. my life is dull, officially. i'm being serious right now! i mean i didnt get to go for bigbang alive tour. my birthday was like as empty as harry potter's. oh yeah, last halloween was birthday, so happy belated me, again. i even thought that my birth date would be the suckiest date ever but thank God it didn't. ahamdulillah to that. it was this close *showing you the small gap between mi thumb and index finger* to be as suck but yeah, it didn't. and almost got a new headphone as my present, and again, didn't. it was a mess, that day, that whole week that i skipped all the classes within that said week. something terrible happened, that's why. but those who knew, keep it to yourself, okay? i'm talking to you tira. hahahah gonna have to catch up with studies. i'm touched that even the lecturers were asking why did i not attend that week's classes. just said i had fever. i did have a fever but also something else. but it's fine now. everything's alright, i guess.

some things remained the same. i see no changes. some, yes. maybe a bit. but i hope for a better future? hahahah i don't even what i'm saying. it's just 2am for God sake. my mind must be wrecked.

oh yeah, since mom and dad went for outstation on friday night, just left my brother, granny and me. guess what? me and mi ol brother attempted to cook something for granny instead of buying. granny's kinda picky so yeah, it's kinda hard. only mom knows what granny likes. at first, granny wanted banana fritters but then, since my bro said "hey since mom left us with perfect supplies, let's cook! how about good old chicken chop?" and i was like "okay! i'm in!", so he thought of making seafood tempura for granny. granny loves seafood. we asked her first, just in case she might reject that idea. but hell yeah, she said yes! hahaha so me and my bro got ourselves busy in the kitchen. between us two, he's a better cook, much better. i would normally do the prepping and washing. hahaha badabing badabang badaboom! we finished granny's first. i made her favorite drink, coffee to compliment that dinner food. we finished ours soon after and we three ate together. crossing fingers, we asked her how they tasted. oh yeah, we made soft shell crab and calamari tempura. and thank God!! she said they tasted good. she even finished the calamari and keeping the soft shell crab, some of it for tomorrow morning! yay!! but sadly, for our side, the gravy was like not up to our standard, so that's a bit disappointing. but the side dishes were awesome and also the chicken too. hehehe gonna ask mom about the gravy's recipe again. we asked and tried but it didn't work out. sad. hahahah

since mom and dad came home just now, i'm back with happiness and giddiness again! weehuuuu!!! hahahaha gonna do some gossiping tomorrow. can't wait! heheheh


that's all from me.


fin.


p/s : hey you! yes, you! miss me? nyahahahha

a deceitful smile, for you

hey peeps. it's been a while, hasnt it? sorry, i've been busy with something else. i could feel the dustiness of this blog. but i really dont have anything to write. but maybe today i got one. and let me warn you, it's kinda emotional? well, i dont wanna put it like that but it could turn out like that. and it could bring confusion and misunderstanding. might as well dont read it.

okay, the truth is that i felt i've changed these days. i'm much more sensitive? i dont know. rather than sensitive, i'm somewhat more frank? i dont know how put it in words. it's these emotions playing around in my mind and of course in my heart too. maybe lonesome? i don't know. but what i do know that these emotions are piling up in me. 

some things happened. quite a few things. and they happened along this 2012. and i could put as first half of 2012 and the soon second half to be, not my year. i faced a lot of heartaches, not the love ones, but other kind of heartaches to the extent that some of it were unbearable. it's not just involving myself but there were some that involved my family too. it makes it more hurtful. but you know, for everyone, i tried to endure it. i can't lie to myself, these things are painful, very hurtful. and as much as i wanna forget them, i just can't. somehow they left scars. my mind, my heart even my reputation, my pride too. i don't just talk about them to everyone as i know not everyone wanna listen. they said they would or willing to but... well i dont wanna put it as a lie but i know, everyone has their own problems and maybe even bigger than mine. 

we just have to be the listener. but listening is tiring. listening is boring. listening is sicking. but! when only it's too much than it should be. i'm not pointing this to any specific individual. it's a general thing and i bet everyone would agree to this. right? if it's just a small little thing, bear it, solve it, confront it or anything that you could with it. if it's a huge thing, maybe seeking for an advice is good. 

what am i blabbering right now? 

some things are connected to each other and it was unbearable but it became bearable and became unbearable again. i know i wasnt supposed to make it the same or to even compare it but the similarities, i just can't overlook. i could feel my brain is cracking, as well as my heart. not because of studies but due to all these craps. should have forgotten them but there are things ignited them. the medium has now dysfunction, as far as i'm concerned. but there are other mediums penetrating in, trying to find useful information, turning it to a source to bombard. a fort has been built but i'm not sure it's good enough to defend. to ignore it somehow is hard. i dont wanna turn it into an infection. 

i dont hate people. i just dont. but i  may dislike. it's hard for me to forget but i definitely forgive. i dont put myself as revengeful person but whatever that has happened, bad or good, my mind kept it well and safe. i'm suffering because of that. because my mind keeps on reminding me things i dont wanna remember anymore. the fact that i, myself am not a good person. so i hope for forgiveness. 

again, what am i saying? why am i saying all these? i dont even have the answers. i couldn't keep my mind straight. but it shouldnt be a bother to all of you. don't worry, i'm not gonna smack you all or something. but sometimes, like i used to say to a friend of mine which i think of her like my sister, "you wouldn't know if one day, you'll see me, not here but in the asylum." she got mad at me because i kept things to myself too much. i wasn't like back then in high school where i could just lift the chair and threw it to someone whenever i wanted to vent my anger. i'm going 21 this year. problems are getting complicated and i need to face and solve it like an adult. but i don't know if i will be as rationale as i should be in the future. when it involves the world rather than a small group of people, i don't think it's easy to tackle. but it's a good thing when there's God and a family that always backed you up and constantly being there with you. even that, i just can't show my sadness to them. my family put me as a heartless person, never let a tear fall. but sadly, i'm not as heartless. but i managed to show one, being all heartless. heartless and ignorant. 

but seriously, right now, i feel heartless. i don't know how i feel now. well, i don't feel a thing. it's blank, empty. it made me wonder if my heart still functioning well. well, it is since i'm still breathing and all. i'm still alive, alhamdulillah. 

well, let's just put these as phases that i must go through in life. we need to be optimistic. Allah's always there. and like i used to say to a few people, if we feel we're right, we need to stand firm. if we feel that we're wrong, just apologize. but i just gotta say this, i'm tired of obliging people and just let them step me, my mind, heart and pride and my family like it's nothing. it's not nothing. it's something. but i know, God is there and he'll judge for whatever we all did, doing and will do. despite all that, there's always a silver lining out of all these. so, it's okay. i'll endure as much as i could. well, i think studies could cover these sores up for a moment. i hope. 

"apa2 je lah. lantak lah. suka hati lah. biar je la. tak yah la amek port. tak yah la amek peduli." these are the words by my accomplice, my one and only brother. we faced quite a few things together. and we always cheer ourselves up like this. and mom and dad would say the same. "let it be. it's alright. it's nothing. it'd be fine. it will be okay." and so these all will be my words, i hope, to everything that happened, happens and will happen in the future.

oh and people who knew what i'm saying, do keep it as a secret please? i beg of you. the things i said were important to be closed and sealed. 

well, i dont suppose this to be writing all these right here. i know there'll be misunderstanding or some sort but hey! this is my blog. i can't write whatever i want here. but i hope there's none of that negativity. this is purely from my heart. i dont intend for any sympathy nor misunderstanding. i dont mind if you guys wanna laugh at me for being this miserable because i dont care. i know there are people who are much more in misery, having much bigger problems than mine, maybe even more humiliating. i could see my problems as small, tiny bits compared to other people. so i dont deserve any pity or anything. because you know what? i'm alright! i'm fine. perfectly fine. i'm eating right and sleeping comfortably. 

oh yeah, to occupy myself, i played a game in ipad called 'shall we date? : Ninja Love'. i fall in love with the rpg and the characters. sasuke, kotaro and saizo. i guess that sis i said in the previous paragraphs knew about this. lol i should find a boyfriend, a combination of these three characters. hehehehe well at least it pushes my heart to a happy state and my mind too.

fin

p/s : smile. 

oh and i'm listening to 2ne1's i love you. i'm loving it. hehehe

boy-what?

well, this is a quick one. they thought TOP IS MY BOYFRIEND yalllsssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why? because i put up this picture as my BB's wallpaper. they said he's handsome, cute. they really believed it. even when i denied it. then i just said, yeah. heheheheheh me likesss. and the fact that the bosses even peeked and thought the same. i think? lol

oh yes, speaking of boyfriend, i got a story to tell. oh this aint gonna be a quick one now. lol yesterday morning, as my brother sent me to the office, he said that "you know what lil sis? i think you should find yourself a boyfriend. he could send and pick you up from work." and i said "better find me a driver if it meant for only driving me here and there." he stood firm to his idea. well, yes, my brother has been my official driver after the parking bays are all expensive here. you want cheap? you have to walk so far away, getting all sweaty before you managed to get to office. oh hell no!! i'm so not gonna do that. since he agreed, he's the one been sending me and picking me up. which i like. lol he even said of telling or suggesting this to mama. normally he would be playing but this time, he really did it. last night, before we four had dinner, he literally suggested that to my mom. mama was backing me up saying that better to get me a driver. mom even said "your dad had 2 PAs who are also his drivers, why don't let one of them or letting them taking turns to send your little sister?" my brother disagreed. "boyfriend is much better, ma." after much arguing, suddenly, mom said something about my brother and having girlfriend. i made an evil face and laughing my ass off at him. lol it didnt end there, sadly. dinner time, he said it again. dad was there at that time. dad was like speechless? he didnt make any comment. just a slight smile to my bro's silliness maybe. i was like 'shut up baffoon!'. but i just said "hey!!!" instead. mom was again, backing me up. thank God. all hail to mama! lol i said to my bro that "it's your obligations as a brother to bring me to wherever i wanna go." he whined at mom. my parents just laughed at that scene. 

and today, i mean this morning, he mentioned about it again. i just ignored him. he laughed hard, trying to pursuade me to find someone. he's been doing so actually, since the first time he told me about his love life. God~ help me~ i wanna live freely and happily~ lol 

listening to drop it like it's hot by snoop dog and pharell. love love LOVE PHARELL!

fin fin fin ~

p/s : top is my boyfriend, for now. just accept that fact, bro. *smirks*

the 2nd and 3rd week

hey yalls!! im back. updates for the 2nd week of LA. well, there's nothing much. i think i've already get used to things here. not to say a pro but yeah, kinda not that blurred much anymore. things are getting tolerable and manageable. some documents or things, i could it on my own. at times, when i desperately in need of help, i'll just bug them. but not to the extend of annoying them. well, i dont really know if i did but i hope not.

well, on that 2nd week, there's a drama happening at this firm. this one lady and this one kid had this psychological fight or something? it's just about taking note, making sure you're not forgetting what you had done and to make it as future reference. well, the kid was being a rebellious and the lady was being sensitive and all. then one of the lawyers who's actually the neighbor of that girl, wanted me to be the one advising her. i was praying hard since day one to be invisible. and because of this fight, they said i was teaming with the kid, which i'm not. after all the mess, suddenly the two became good again. but just in front of the others. what i can conclude here is that 'too much politic, too much drama.' don't you think? because of them, the others seemed to be treating me differently. the fact that i'm not the one who started the fight or something. come on~ seriously? but because of my well-known ignorance and poker face, i managed to pull through the week. and not to mention good friends who have been supporting and listening to me, rambling about these. thanks so much guys. i know you guys are busy and got own problem but i sincerely thank you all for listening to my ramblings.but right now, everything gone fine. at least on my view. they're nicer to me than before. lol well, they already are, some of them. but now, all of them are on the way on accepting me. hope this goes well till the end of this LA.

the third week, scandal. it started at the end of the 2nd week, actually. the kid spontaneously scandalized me with a young male lawyer here. come on girl. that guy already has a girlfriend. but the girlfriend is as the same age as me. lol and i don't like having scandals either. i had many of them in the past, i'm too old for that now. hahaha but the thing is, the guy wasnt helping either with the situation. well, he didnt know about it. for me, he was just being nice, the normal nice. the kid was the one igniting false scandal between me and him. maybe because he's the one who likes to give me the works, the hard ones, keeping me from getting bored to death. well he called it as a 'help' rather than a work. and the fact that he even gave his personal work one time, an agreement document for me to do. it's just aligning the margins at first, but then he asked me to read it, see if he did it right. because i love doing IT kinda things, because it's much simpler than dealing with these laws, so i did it with relax and glad. oh yes, he even said "this is a personal thing. dont tell anyone okay? i'll treat you later." he said it while putting a finger on his lips, indicating it's a secret. he even chuckled after that. i just laughed and shrugged it off though. it didnt really mean anything. the next two days, i think, he received the work and he said it's good, simply beautiful. in my mind, 'it's just a god-damn margin problem.' i know, it's probably because he's being thankful. so yeah, whatever. and then he continued, saying "so umm the project was in the process now, and i'll receive the money soon. so well, umm i'll treat you then, alright?" i just said "okay cool." who doesnt want free food right? lol that's never the problem. the real problem was, he actually leaned at my table while saying all that with the kid watching. she was like whistling, teasing me after the guy's left. lol funny. i found it just normal but the kid, i just. i dont know. maybe she's jealous? maybe she likes him? who knows, right? well, if she is, then be my guest. take him.make him as your boytoy or something. lol she told me the guy was so naive that he sacrificed and spent for his girlfriend so much, in terms of money that he didnt mind if he, himself got none. he would do anything for her. lol well, good thing the kid wasnt here yesterday. wanna know why? yesterday i spent time, after lunch, with him at the meeting room to settle documents for a litigation process. he's being all blur and i was giving him ideas. he said he didnt have much knowledge about that document. it's about construction contract or something. and i think it's his first time handling such case. before this, he usually do on contracts but other types. so we tried to figure it out together. but then we gotta stop because he gotta rush back home. something happened.but i'm so glad, the kid wasnt there. if not, im pretty much sure that she'll tease me like mad man. today, she's here but the guy's didnt come so i'm off from any scandals or anything. lol thank you God. 

oh yes, mom even said not to create or have any scandal with anyone there, i mean here. people might thought of me seducing the 'victim'. lol come on, ma. why would i do that? it's impossible! lol 

fin

p/s : currently in the office, nothing to do, using the office's PC to write this post. they're amazed. lol

first week of legal attachment

literally, i was shocked. not that shocked face or something but by the culture? no, i don't how to put it. maybe i never had experienced the tasks before so it's kinda shocking. but i managed to pull through. truthfully the ambiance wasn't that shocking. i saw more hectic than the one i'm in now. they didn't gave me much work so basically i was bored. there's always time for me to have a good old daydreaming about whoever or whatever. and guess what? they're the one who got shocked by me. first, my boss didn't actually told his partners and workers about yours truly, coming to the office. i think he told them, the day before? something? lol silly boss. and so, they didn't actually plan anything for me. well, at least, the workers. umm~ they're nice and okay, friendly. the bosses were busy people. i didn't see them unless after lunch or even later than that. once in a while they'll be there earlier than that but they went out early too. lol the tasks were manageable.  oh yes! they were shocked too by the fact that i finished the jobs fast. faster than they thought i would. even faster than them.  well, frankly, i was trained that way. one thing i saw in them was they like to procrastinate. i'm a procrastinator but when it comes to serious matter, i won't be like that. i'll try to finish it fast. and that's why they just didnt have a thing for me to do after that, leaving me staring at them or the PC awkwardly. i didnt like to go online on the firm's PC, it's just unethical, for me. i'd rather go online with my BB or Playbook rather than using the PC. besides, i'm on supervision, so it's not good, right? well, that's for now or this week. we'll see what will happen on the next week.


oh yes! missing eye candies back in my university. here, there's just working people. i hate that. and i'm beginning to question myself, will i ever have someone in that kind of surrounding. lol i know it's weird, but i just did. i was hoping for a chambie student or another attache or maybe a cute male worker or lawyer. sadly, none. maybe i should keep looking at that hotel like building more. ^_^




fin


p/s : i'm gonna have everyday blues. not just monday blues, but EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY. God, help me.

legal attachment

i'm starting to freak out already. in a month i'll have this legal attachment, something like training or practical or whatever bullshit you call it. it's gonna be 3 months, as usual. but it's freaking me out!!! i don't even care about the final papers anymore. i mean come on. i don't think i'm ready or cut out for work just yet. i'm a natural lazy bum, a couch potato, a massive slug! you know, thoughts ran to my mind. like, 'can i actually do it?' 'will i be able to do finish the tasks on time?' 'will the people there hate me?' and other stuffs. i'm trying to figure out how it would be. i'm trying to imagine myself but i don't see any 'light'! all i see is dark! but then again, i thought of you know, the good things. like maybe my boss is a good guy. and the fact, i'll be working in the middle of the city, lunch hour would be the best thing ever. but! i have to face traffic jam and all but that isn't much of a problem. the work itself is! oh God, please spare me. let me be this on brilliant (easy to catch up), lovable and definitely not being a slug during that period. amin. okay. that's about it. got something to do. anyways, pray me for me peeps! for my exams and that 3 hellish months. well it's not that i won't be updating but just saying. eheheheh

fin

p/s : future always freaks me out.

a cute little thing

Hello peoples of the world. Omg. It’s been a really long time since I updated the last post. Gosh. I’m such a boring person. I don’t have any story to tell. Help me! lol whatever~

Well, I got one thing. I bought this cute little thing!! Heheheeh well, mom bought it actually. I seriously loathe pink but I just got to make an exception for it. It’s so cute, so fluffy and just so ADORABLE!!! Heheheeheh it’s a bunny, if you might be confused. Since it has long arms, I could carry it around. Hehehe I became pilsuk from dream high. Lol but this thing, it goes way to my waist. A very long torso indeed. And it has this small little round tail. hehehehe my elder brother called it as my 'saka'. lol saka is something like a spirit that you summoned for yourself. lol that's so stupid of him. 

this is Chansung's version. mine is similar to this but with longer torso and a very short legs. the legs was like a few inches. lol and yes, i carried it like he did. it's so fun! i didn't manage to take a picture of me carrying it.  but anyway, you can picture it like this. heheheh

oh yes. farah aina, don't be mad. hahahhaah kidding.

fin

p/s : GONG XI FA CAI!! hope this dragon year will be a better year! oh, it's taecyeon's year too! heheheeh 

as he said Dragon catYear of dragon! My year!