Tuesday, October 10, 2017


hey peeps! I know it's been a while but hey let's just start (putting aside the last post as that's more of an update) with something sassy, scandalous and well, something i can't grasp till today.

Perampas, someone that tries to be or an actual home wrecker. A slut. Okay slut is kinda like too far but hey, it gives off the same vibe. *shrugs*

I was talking to my mom about a male cousin of mine, let's call him R. Me and him, we're kinda like good buddies. Of the same age. Brought up together. So we're kinda close. So he's married, about a year or so.

The wife, N, not the prettiest. But she's nice, at first. Good repo, i must say. Polite, pious, friendly, adaptable, rajin, well i could go on and on about how nice she is, on the outside. Like i said, she got a good repo. Elders adore her, the young ones like her. I even said to R's sister, N is a good example, wifey material.

But you know, i can feel when things ain't right. At first i thought it's like a paranoia. She seems to act differently whenever R and me like hanging out, sembang2. Like i said, we're close. And he's like very talkative. So there's always things to say, to discuss. But when he got excited, she will buat muka. I mean, i get it. Jealousy. But at the time, i feel like it's just me, thinking that.

Slowly, R seems to create a gap. And it's widen. They will spend the night in our house like every fortnight or so but. Slowly, they just didn't. Well R wanted to but he would cancel at the very last minute. I mean I'm cool with that. He's married anyway. But he seemed different. Less talk, avoiding conversations. Just unfamiliar. And it's not just me this time. But everyone in the house felt it but never actually talked about it.

Long story short, she got issues. Especially with those whose pregnant. And when we (my family) talked about it, they agreed that N could be the cause. Like she's afraid. Insecure. Of how closed R and myself. I know, the way that I dress at home really doesn't help with situation. I mean he's a nice, somewhat islamic guy, and I'm like, how should put it? I 'expose' myself too much at home? Lol i mean it's my house, my home after all. I mean it's not like i wear something raunchy but like seriously? My leg hair is crazier than his. Lol

The fact that he used to, whenever he came over, he would come and lie next to me and talked and watched movie till morning. Slapped each other. Laughed at each other. I mean we're just close.

Alright i may be daring and like sometimes overly confident. But girl, seriously? Time and time again, i gotta boost your ego, your confidence. I kept on convincing her that he would not look at other girls. Truth be told, he's not good looking. He knows that. I even said that to him and he acknowledged it with laughter. Time and time again i said, i proved we're just cousins and nothing more. But she's just. I don't know.

So my mom said maybe she's just afraid that i will rampas him from her. Like girl, are you serious? lol that's the funniest thing ever.

But this situation just clicked on my past memories. During schooling years, college years. I faced the same thing in every era.

And then I realised. I have issues with couples.

(Wow it took me this long to get to the real deal lol fuck me!)

I remember i got somewhat like a bestie during primary school. We used to hangout. She's nice. WAS nice to me. When we get to high school, despite being in different classes we remained friends. And then one day she told me she liked a boy in my class and he happened to be my friend. Most of my friends happened to be boys at the time. Like 80% of them were boys. So this guy was kind cool. He's super tall and he's somewhat popular coz he got the look? I guess? Idk. He's a drummer too btw. Like they have an actual band, they did some gigs. Normally me and the boys with few girls would hangout in class during recess (we're kinda bad students btw) and like practiced some songs. Being a good friend, i tried to help her. I told him about her, and her feelings. He's a jerk tho, coz he knew he's like kinda good looking. He flat out rejected her. Like "fuck, that bitch is ugly. And fat. No I don't like her." Things like that. I mean the boys, they've been telling me they wanna have fun, they wanna get the pretty girls but one day they wanna settle down with the good, nice girls. But for the time being, they wanna some hot ladies. I get that. But my intention, my help, turned into something that I didn't expect to happen. I heard from the girls that the bestie of mine (at the time) said i wanted to rampas him instead. Like wtf?

Fyi, i have a secret pledge for myself that i would not take or rampas any guy that any of my friends like. Like i wont do that.

Thanks to her being such a bitch, which she just avoided me, after a lil confrontation, I thought hey i might just go ahead and get closer to the guy! And he's like always nice to me, at times he bullied me but i bullied him as much. Okay so I was a mean bitch by trying to get cosy with him but like wtv. We remained friends until we're done with high school and i never contacted him again.

High school drama never ends, truly. I got another bestie. She's the new girl and from the next class. She liked this super reserved guy from another different class. Heard rumours that he was so fat but like after one long school holidays and few months after that he lost super effing weight, and eventually got hotter? Body wise and personality wise. I mean i like cool, mysterious guys, those that don't speak much but like not poyo at the same time. But he did look good and got this mysterious vibe. And so my friend, who we shared common love of music, she said she got a crush on this guy. I had this repo of being a cupid, by cupid i mean postwoman. Lol so she asked for my help knowing my repo. She asked me to give him a letter. So i said okay. I remember it was sometime around after recess, when everyone was rushing back to class, i went to his class. I knew most of the bad male students. He's definitely not a bad student. In fact he has this noble aura going on. Lol I was like asking the guys in his class to ask him to come out so that i could pass him the letter. He came out with a confused face. (I have like super good memories, don't judge me) and it's kinda cute coz he seemed scared of me. (Yeah, i was always punished for bringing illegal things in school, cut classes, vandalism etc etc... Bad repo. Thanks. I changed, just so yall know lol) so i said something like "hey dude, listen, my friend wanted me to pass you this. *give letter* she likes you. So reply this." in the almost thuggish way. Lol so funny. He was shocked but he said thanks and i just nodded and left the scene. The boys were asking, i was like "hell nah, just being cupid. As usual." They knew my deal anyway. Fast forward, they did text, share music through the texts. But they never hangout like face to face. So one day he asked her out, i guess on a date. But then it didn't work out. But then what shook me was that she said to me "why do i feel he keeps on describing you in our conversion?" I was like "explain". Obviously we weren't allowed to bring phones in school. But i did. Lol so she said "like he mentioned your class, he described you, as in you, you." I was like okay so? But i told to keep texting him, maybe she's just paranoid or wtv. As days went by, whenever i saw the guy at the hallways, he would smile, like shy smile. In my brain, I was like wtf dude? But i just smiled like straight face smile because i thought maybe they sorted things out. So i thought everything was fine. This went on about almost a year or so? And then i remember when almost time for SPM, my friend brought the topic up again, about him describing me. I was like i don't know shit. Like i didn't even have his number. I didn't even talk to him in school. She said about him saw her which was actually me. Because she would ran and hide whenever she saw him. I guess she wanted to test if things were right, she asked me to send a letter to him. Wait! That's not it! I think i went to confront him about this! Yes! I said to her that i will go and ask him about it. Which i did. I went to his class, called him out and dragged him to the emergency exit. I can't remember exactly what i said but i think i asked him like did he really know who he texted and that my friend really liked him and she wanted clarification. He was shocked. I was shocked because he was shocked. Lol he said "so it wasn't you? I thought it was you all along!" I said "obviously it wasn't me! Like i said from the beginning that MY FRIEND wanted me to send the letters." As adorable how shocked he was, i felt guilty towards my friend. But it's great knowing he was interested in me lol oh fuck, I'm such a bitch. So when i told her about him thinking it was me that he texted, she cried. Obviously. And heartbroken too. Obviously. He even stopped texting her ever since. She asked me if ever talked to him again, i said no. But he did smile to me whenever we saw each other. I just acknowledged it as it was. I think he did say hi about once or twice but that's about it. I felt guilty af. Tho I shouldn't, right? And then me and her just grew apart. I believed she joined the 'mandy is perampas' girl squad for a while and just lost within that sea of people. And i never heard of the guy either. After years, in my mind, I thought, i should just take the offer. Get closer to the guy. So I won't be as #foreveralone as i am now. I could have been with someone. What a life. What a lost opportunity. But then i remember, i dont wanna be a slut. That's the route i took. It's not really a slut thing but like i don't know. I mean if i knew she would join that club, I would just take the guy. But wtv. Past is past.

Well there are other stories but i think that's enough for now. I know i know. High school drama. But like i said as the era changed, this issue still remains the same. I don't intend to be a perampas. I never even thought to be one. Like why would i? And most of them, who called me that, were closed to me. Like such a waste of good friendships. But it's a good lesson for me tho. Like if you actually want someone, just go get them yourself. And if the guy is good enough and he likes you, just go for it. And redha if he doesn't.

But that's that. Nothing's change. I am alone as ever. But like my mom said, maybe i will get someone better. Best of the best. Who knows? God knows what's best for me and i truly believe that. So I'm just gonna wait at this tower, looking at the stars, waiting for my prince charming on a white horse to come and sweep me off my feet, if he can tho coz I'm heavy af lol

One thing tho. Ever since forever, whenever someone called me perampas or if i heard rumours about me being a perampas, i gotta say it boosts up my confidence even more. Like "oh yeah? I guess this face, thicc body (padahal gemuk lol) does me good then. Market ada la kiranya! Lol" i can't even be mad. Like that makes me some kind of 'hot stuff' lah lol puih berangan! But a girl can dream. I mean being a hot stuff, not a slut Lol

Well that is all for this post. So girls out there just be yourself. Be confident. If you know what you did is right, just act like wtv. Have a crush? Go for it! Body shamed? Brush it off! You wouldn't know what in store for you so just go ahead and dare yourself! (Note to self)

This reminds me of the movie Easy A lol


P/s: less daring now, tu yang foreveralone tu. lol

#nowlistening : i wanna be yours by arctic monkeys

Sunday, September 17, 2017

i'm back, back again

Hey what is up you guys! So it's been i don't know? 3 years of hiatus? I feel bad, seriously, for ditching this blog. I loved it. It's like my little diary which happens to be public and for everyone to read. Lol why did i even stop? I can't even remember it myself.

About a few weeks ago, i suddenly opened this blog again and i said to myself "you know what? Imma start writing again! Now that i am free and wiser and after many things that have happened. I finally got a reason to write again!" And so i did.

So this post is more or less like an update. When i say update, it's gonna be a super duper long one. Worth the 3 missing years! Lol maybe not.

So let's start of with yours truly. I have finally graduated in 2015. Started pupillage/chambering in January 2016. Had my convocation somewhere in September 2016. Called to the bar 2 days before Xmas of the same year. Started practicing January this year. The journey was tough, but I'm glad that i got them done. I managed to hang on. To keep moving. Despite all the breakdowns, the frustration, the anger etc I'm pretty much alive and well. Never leave my emo being though. Still emo as ever. Still having this little black emo heart in this soulless shell named body. But i feel wiser now. More mature. Though at times i feel dead inside. I realised that i have more responsibilities, more feelings to be taken care of. Even more so concealing my feelings, more than ever, if that is even possible. Since I'm living back with my parents. My emotions are pretty much happy and bright on the outside. At times i feel dark and sorrow on the inside but it's fine. It's normal. It's just a feeling after all. It will pass. Right? Sigh. 

Oh yeah, despite hating law course, i think I'm doing good being a lawyer, pretty much. Lol thanks to my mom for helping me with basically everything. Trust me, no one cares about me in the office and can only lean on my mom to learn things, at home. Which she will give me lectures and tutorials on how to deal with this and that. That, i will vent in my other future posts. But I'm thankful, clearly because my mom is here to teach me everything. Tak la terkontang sangat. but i know many people got it worse. so i'm basically thankful for that.

Also, i did give some thoughts about furthering studies. Now that i have the civil license, I thought of having the syarie one as well. But to have that i gotta go and take a diploma for it. I'm planning to do so next year. And i have this future planning of maybe taking another diploma in business or psychology after that. I love to study, but i wanna do something that i like this time. Or at least beneficial for my future. My parents are super supportive when regards to this. Mom said better to do it when you're still single. True that. We shall see what the future holds for me.

On to my family. My dearest, beloved grandmother passed away mid January this year. We kinda already seen it coming. I was hoping she could go for another year or two. But at least i managed to make her proud and happy during her last days. I managed to be admitted as a lawyer before she died and i just couldn't describe how happy i made her when i said i finally became a lawyer. At the time, i knew, she wasn't there anymore. Her soul wasn't probably there anymore. She was in her 44 days period before death. But surprisingly she looked at me, smiled ever so softly while laying motionless on her bed when i told her the good news. I was the one who saw her taking her final breath too. Man, I'm writing this in massage parlour while getting my feet massage and i feel like tearing up. Not cool. Lol but will write about this up in another post. But i missed her ever so much. I can't even describe it. Semoga doa aku sampai, that's all. Deep breath. 

My parents, well they remained the same. Mom, she's getting older, i can feel that. I'm scared. I truly am. She's getting tired. And i still act like a baby around her. Which is opposed to what i should do, that is helping her. I tried to help her financially, I became her personal driver, personal bag carrier. Lol but I'm trying my best. My father, well he, after about 2months my grandmother died, he got a heart attack. Which almost cost his life. At the time, actually we're still recovering from my grandmother's death, we were so scared that we would lose him too. It's just unbearable. Doctors required stands (the spring thingy) to be inserted and now he's getting better. Well he tends to act tough but we all know he's being pretentious. At night he would sit down, trying to calm himself. His asthma isn't helping either. But still, he's getting better. Day by day it's getting harder for me to just leave them, especially when it's just me and parents living in this house. I just don't wanna regret anything. After the death of my grandmother, it's just freaking me out. Everything. I just don't wanna lose anyone but i know I can't control anything. But at least I don't wanna regret anything. Uhhh. Fml. 

My brother, my dear ol brother. He got married. Got a year old son. Soon to be another one popping out the oven. My mom babysits the boy from noon to maghrib as my brother basically moved out now. As much as i hate kids, especially when they scream and cry, this kid grew on me. I mean he wants my parents and me more than his parents. Like how is that possible. The kid kinda scared of me but like he likes to tease me a lot. They all said maybe he sees me as someone of his age so he likes to play with me, like a lot. Thanks to his hyper ness i don't even need to go to gym and just chase him around. Thanks kid. I dont say i super love him, but yeah, it's bearable. At times he clings to me too much. So annoying. But yeah wtv.  He called me "D" too? like from Wee to B to D? my mom said it could like 'darling'? coz he always called it me out like in a very soft manner. like "d~~" so he's kinda like my mom's bff and like idk my boyfriend. lol you're good kid, you're good.

Love life? Alone as ever. Still in my dream world full of cuties, bass players, handsome daddies lol when i think about it, I didn't even make an effort to find someone like real person in like 5 years. None approached me either. Again, like i said to myself and to everyone, "lelaki melayu/malaysia suka bihun". What do you mean bihun? Putih, kurus. And i'm like udon right here tqvm. Lol mom be like "go find a mat salleh lah. Like finn balor ke." Finn balor is a wwe wrestler btw and super hot. And an irish man too! yums! Lol on a serious note, i've been thinking about other things too much that i tend to brush this topic off. Like for some reasons i just wanna keep dreaming, as it would hurt less. But one thing fer sure, i want a husband and not just boyfriend. Stability is my priority. Ya know what i mean? Besides, I've hit passed the 'i want a bf!' period like long ago. Soon to be 26, so i should at least think of stability. Right? Wrong? Lol wtv man. But right now, parents is my no 1 priority. 

Well this isn't as long as i expected to be. But maybe I'll write in a much detail manner in another posts. Depends on my kerajinan though.

Oh yeah! Before i end this post, me and min have a youtube channel together! Click on this link https://m.youtube.com/channel/UCbIKrryhO8e_CurASFbGxZw to check us out!


P/s: #nowlistening - cancer by mcr. Fuck.

also this was written like last 2 weeks. lol #stillprocrastinatingthings

Sunday, January 5, 2014

bored and random

hey people! it's been a while, huh? well, frankly i've got nothing to write. my life is dull as ever. and currently, im writing this because i'm bored. so bored. lol

yep, that is pretty much me right now. i dont have the feeling to do anything. and assignments are piling up but i dont really wanna do it. i just dont wanna. lol

oh yeah, yesterday, i thought of something. what if i start a advice column or such. i mean advice on relationship and stuff like that. though i am single since forever. not to boast but people always said that i'm kinda good with the advice thing(?). lol and i love advising people. for me, it's like a new experience, feeling, etc i could learn. i've advised kids to married people. but it's just like an idea for them rather than to really apply what i said. so. umm. well, yeah. should i do it??


p/s : after all it's just an opinion.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

this is what i feel

Hello everyone. It’s been a while isn’t it? well today, I finally got something to write, or I finally able to type something out. And again, it’s an emotional post. I know, everything about me is emotional. Im sorry but that’s the way I am. And I think, this post is like a reminder for me for the future. I don’t know.

This is more like revealing my true feelings than just a mere post. I’ve been holding things up that I think I might be crazy if I keep it even more. At least, this small post might give a small relief. When I say crazy, it’s the real crazy and not just a word to spur.

Before I actually start this revealing and relief session, I wanna apologize to anyone that might be thinking I’m pointing it to them or something. I’m not. even if I do, I just hope you would understand. but, again, I’m sorry.

I don’t really know how to start but lets just say these few months weren’t the best. in fact it might be some of the worsts I experienced. I know, God has created this path so that he could test our patience. but I have to be frank, it’s really unbearable. At some point, I had a breakdown. More than once, I think.

What actually happened to me? well, I won’t go by sequence but I had an accident for the second time, a family problem, study problem, I lost some friends, and I got a disease. The latest was the disease and it hit me hard. really hard. physically, mentally and emotionally. There were other things happened before too. but, I don’t know.

Everything happened within such a short period that I cant actually breath. These events messed me up real good. I remembered when I got into that accident, I even said to a friend of mine that I gave up. I didn’t even know what and why I gave up. I just felt like giving up. I thought I was going crazy, already felt crazy. And I still feel like it. These things happened one after another to the extent that I was thinking “what will happen next?”.

The first few events, I thought I could manage it. I thought I could handle it. I thought I have the power to do. But I knew, I was in the verge of breaking down. but when that disease hit me, I was breaking down like crazy. Truthfully, I’m a person that’s hardly to cry. even if it’s just a tear, it would be like hell to get It out of my eyes. I could only cry if it's related to my family. Or if I really, extremely appreciate something. And I would have this silent cry. But since the breakdown, I can’t stop crying, even to the extent sobbing, grieving etc. I’m not the person im familiar of anymore.  Each and every night, I would cry and reminisce about things I’ve done.  I kept on blaming myself. but I guess no one knew about it. of course they dont. and now you all do.

Oh yeah, you guys must be wondering what disease it was. It’s just hand and foot disease. I know I made it sound like it’s some hell of a disease but trust me, you wont wanna get it. the disease would normally attack kids but I don’t even know why I got this thing. Let me take you back to how it happened.

It was Ramadhan. 2nd day of Ramadhan, if I’m not mistaken. At first, I had fever. It was raining in the morning here and suddenly there’s a news about my study. A bad one. Well at least for me. I can’t graduate this year. I have to extend another year. due to my ignorance, I just blew myself up. everything that I have planned, every single thing, for me and my family, I just blew all of that up, just because of my stupidity and ignorance. It was my mistake. And I don’t even know how to make it up to my family for what I have done. Mom’s supposed to retire next year and now she has to keep working until I finished everything and start working. Dad was expecting me to finish early and help him with his business. and now, I cant do that. I just ruined their expectation. Don’t even mention about my brother and grandma. But truthfully I was even more devastated. I was so disappointed to the point that I don’t know what to do with myself. I became clueless. But I tried to cheer myself up, saying that I could boost my grades and points. But I know, it’s nothing, compared to what everyone really feels. It was my mistake. And I cant take it back. I cant mend it. the only thing I could do is to just finish it. mom said it’s a hassle now since our financial isn’t that good and what I did is making it worst. Dad became speechless. I know it’s my fault and sorry isn’t enough to cover all that. even if I say I would study hard, I know it would not change much. but truly, I’m sorry Mama, Abah. You’ve expected as much but I just ruined everything. Im no good after all.

That night my fever got worst. But I just took some paracetamol and just endured that fever. Thinking I would burden people even more, I just kept quiet about it. the next day, my throat got worst, so did my fever. Went to a stupid clinic, they just give me an MC, saying there’s nothing wrong with me. again, I endured that fever which I knew it’s getting worst and took some paracetamol and stuck some cooling gel on my head. That night, mom called. She heard my voice got raspy. I told her I just had a slight fever, not to worry her. but then, guilt hit me. I told her about the extension, which at that time she didn’t knew. She was mad, I knew she was. She insisted me to appeal to the university and said I may have the fever because of overthinking about this, wanted to hide it. I said that I didn’t wanna hide it, and I was going to tell her. and the fact that it was raining the day before that made me have that fever, though i'm usually tough. she seemed to not believe me. but what can I do. I tried to convince her especially about the extension.

The next day, I went to my faculty manager and she said she couldn’t do anything. and it’s definite extension for me. only God knows how I felt at that time. I thought I would collapsed right at that moment. but thank God I didn’t. but I was blank, speechless. Everything’s falling apart for me at that time. And my fever didn’t help either. But then I thought I should settled on my fever first. So I went to another doctor, he said my state was so bad. It could go worst in a nick of time. and I even got some red spots which I thought was my allergies. I went back and told my mom again about the extension. She was sad, disappointed. It’s so clear through her voice. My heart sank with hers. I just didn’t know what to do. She even hung up. but that night, she called me again. she said not to overthink about it. it maybe hard in the future but she said it will be okay. I just got to study hard. that’s it. she knew I’m this overthinking type of person. I was a bit relieved with that phone call. Though guilt hit me really, extremely hard. she asked me about my fever, I told her, part of it. but I asked her to not worry about me. that I would be okay. and it’s going to subside soon enough. I didn’t want her to worry about me anymore, not after the extension news. I didn’t her to carry more burden that she already had. But she did say to go to the hospital, if it got worse. Again, I tried to convince her to stop worrying about me and that I would be okay.

I guess bearing too much really got the worst of me. I was sick like a dog. The next day, I woke up with the red spots spread on the sides of my palms, feet and some other places. It’s not itchy. As the matter of fact, it’s kinda painful if i pressed (even gently) on the spots. I cant really grab things nor can I walk that much. And so i went to the hospital. Because I didn’t want to burden anyone, I drove myself there. it was funny since I had to open my fingers and drove with only the heel of my palms. And since my feet had those too, I can’t really pressed on the pedals. Indeed it was really dangerous. And painful. But I had to bear it.

The doctor then diagnosed me with this thing called hand, foot and mouth disease. But good thing my mouth was cleared from it. it’s viral, it could spread to other people. And I had to isolate myself, the doctor asked me to. It’s good since I’ve been isolating myself since forever. It didn’t matter much. since the series of events happening before it, I’ve been isolating myself from people. I told my mom, about the disease, just the disease, minus the painful state that I was having. she was worried. Really worried. Which was opposing  to what I wanted of her. she said my elder would come and fetch me, on the next day, or the next 2 days? I guess? I cant really remember it well, since this was like a month ago. I told a friend of mine. She’s also worried. But since she had fever, I said to her not to worry. she should took care of herself even more than to worry about me. right? but at least, she heard me. I’m really grateful of that. Thank you tira. Though it’s not much, but thank you.

I went back, and pain started to kick in. I really cant grab thing much, I walked miserably. It’s like I better off laying. Like I was bed ridden. And since my tonsil was really bad, I can’t eat anything. I just keep on drinking. it was funny because I thought I could lessen my weight using this opportunity. But the pain was much more than just a mere fun.

For a week, I went back to my real home, not the one I rented. It was somewhat like hell to me. my hands and feet were full of spots. I cant walk, I cant even stand. I cant grab, or even touch anything. due to the awful sting on the spots whenever I do something, all I could do was lay on my bed. it was meant to be that way. But I didn’t. I went against it. I walked, more like I crawled, I tried to do things by myself, thinking my presence was enough burden to my parents. They’re worried but I kept on saying I was okay, I could endure it, I didn’t want to be spoilt. Even though only God knows how I cant do them at all. It was so painful that I thought I was walking on endless spikes or needles or holding or touching them. but I tried to fake a smile, laughter whenever they asked me about the pain. I said it was just a little bit, nothing much to worry about. And at night, I would cry, burying my face onto my favorite pillow, just like a kid. I said to myself “it was hard, but at least I’m still alive. There are people with even more worst disease than me. this would subside sooner than I think.” I know I was crazy but that’s the only thing that I could do. There were so many times that I almost fall whenever I tried to stand, and when I tried to stand while holding on something, my hands started to sting like hell. I just didn’t know what else to do. Everything that I did, it felt wrong, painful and just unbearable. But I always put a smile so no one worries about me.

Even everyone the house afraid to touch me. the closest was when mom sat on my bed, waking me up every morning for Sahur. I saw she wanted to touch me but she was afraid. I was extremely sad but then again, I said to her, even before that, to not touch me. I didn’t want her to be infected. Also to other family members. But truthfully, I was extremely sad. Mom and me are like best friends. normally we would hug each other, joke around and all. we’re so close like that. but since I got this disease, I can only looked at her, others. seeing my hands, she said she wanted to fed me, on the first day I came home, but I said it was fine, I could do it myself. like I said, I didn’t want her to get infected. It would be the worse feeling ever. But then, for the whole week I became just the burden when I cant help her clean or do any chores that always have been mine. As I watched do all that all by herself, I felt really guilty. She said she understood and that she was fine since she’s being doing it all along when I’m not home. But I knew it was my duty whenever I got home, real home. But just by watching her, it saddened me. I felt really guilty. I really wished that the disease would disappear and I could help her. I’ve worried her enough with my study, why should I leave her worry about me more than she should. Oh and I tried to wash the dishes once, and it was really bad on my side. but I tried to endure it real hard, until she said it’s enough. she said im torturing myself. I guess I did. but it’s much more unbearable to watch her instead.

And I remembered something. Mom said “maybe my prayers worked. You’ve been away for too long and all I could hear is your voice through phone calls. Since I miss you so much I prayed that you’ll be back sooner, or  that you fall ill you just had to come back home.” Actually, I was supposed to go back even later. And that her prayers actually worked. Because she missed me. and that even made me feel more guilty than I already was. I thought it was so stupid of me, for not realizing that. but not because I wanted to, I had a lot of work that I need to settle and midterm exams to sit. But I guess, that what they say mother’s prayers will be granted, no matter what they are. I really did come back, like she wanted to. And even with an illness.

Mom also said to me that I need to be happy. I didn’t even know why she said that. she said she had the feeling that I was sad these recent months and I wasn’t myself anymore. she said I looked depressed, despite the pain which also caused me black panda eyes due to lack of sleep. she said I looked depressed, unhappy and stressed out. And there’s this one friend of dad, I don’t say he’s a shaman or something but he could ‘see’ what happened to me. he said my spirit was a bit off lately. I’m not myself and so on. that’s what he saw in me. I guess it’s true somehow. I’m too depressed to bother. Mom said I need to control my emotion and avoid anything that may make me depress. Because if I don’t, it will get worse.

After that week, I went back to my rented apartment. That’s when another wave of negative emotion hit me. Friends avoided me, some didn’t actually believe I was sick. Some pretended to care, others don’t seem to bother. But for me, don’t bother to care if you’re not sincere enough to care. It’s hurting me even more. There’s one even asked me “am I gonna be infected if I sit beside you? will spread through air?” she asked it almost seriously. it’s fucking hurt, you know? I almost said “if I knew I should still be isolating and it’s still not cured, I wont go to class, I wont go near you or anyone! If you’re too afraid then don’t fucking sit beside me!” but I didn’t. I said something else, but then she said I took her question too seriously. I mean come on, I’m in the state recovery. Don’t play with my emotion like that. and don’t stick to me if you’re too afraid. I don’t need you to stick like that. only God knows how I endured my mouth, mind and heart and even at a point, my hand. there’s even walked far away like I’m a walking hazard, walking infectious creature. Come on. I’m not dumb to go to class if I can still spread this fucking disease to you all. and don’t even look at me like I’m that disgusting either. I’M NOT GONNA TOUCH YOU. I’M NOT GONNA HUG YOU. I’M NOT GONNA DO ANYTHING TO YOU ALL. anymore. I’m sick being treated like this. it’s not that all of you bother anymore. trust me, even if I was warded, I won’t tell to you guys anyway. Because you know what? I know you guys don’t bother. It gonna hurt me even more. At one point I even thought that even I fainted, collapsed even died alone here, don’t bother to care. I’ve hurt enough, even before I got sick, long before. I’ve been isolated by you guys anyways, what’s the point to care about me now?

I don’t say that im that good. but somehow, im glad being like this. we don’t have to pretend anymore do we? I don’t have to pretend and so you guys towards me. let’s just live our lives like strangers we already become. Don’t pretend to care anymore.

But truthfully, I wished to have friends that truly care about me. there were moments that I felt like I need to lean to someone, seeking help or comfort but I know it’s impossible. Because whenever I do that, the other person may want something in return. At times, I just want a friend that really lends me an ear without saying his/her problem back to me and ignore what I just said. that’s why I’ve decided long ago, since forever, to just keep my problems to myself because I know it’s not worth telling anyone. They’ll not listen to it. even if they do, they pretended to do so. I don’t want it to be unfair and unjust to them by letting them pretend like that. so I’ll just sacrifice myself and listen to them but I’ll just keep mine to myself. yes, I know by saying this it’s like saying I’m good and you all aren’t. no, because that’s the reality. And I’m sick of that. and that’s why, to not have them listen to my problem, I don’t listen to theirs. And by that I avoided them all. so, by avoiding them, I don’t have to face the good and the bad of them. and that it’s my fault that they avoided me now. the disease is just a path for them to avoid more. Well, we’re all not in good terms anymore, so nothing’s changed. But what I wanna is that at times I need some support, a little, tiny support from a group of people called friends, I don’t get one. And I don’t bother to have that support anymore. because having that support is a huge burden for me in the future. So yeah, I don’t need it. I can support my own self. I’m still alive and capable of doing things on my own.

An old friend used to say to me that I’ve kept too many things bottled up in me. she said one day I’ll go crazy.  At first I said to her that it’s okay. and now, I think I’m in the verge of that. but God’s here with me. Always with me. I know I could survive and alive as a normal person. But since long ago, I don’t trust anyone. But after having this illness, it showed more than just people who I should avoid. It showed people I should still be friend with too. and some that I don’t expect.

But like mom said “these friends you have now don’t necessarily keep being your friend in the future. But always know that you’ll have new, other friends in the future.” I guess that’s true.

And aside from all these, I got a few good chances, which I think thanks to God I managed to get them. and there are other people who concerned about me.

However, being said all this, I don’t want any sympathy. That’s the last thing I wanted from any one of you. im just telling all this is because I cant bear it anymore. at least, you all, despite being strangers could feel what I feel. I know some of you may feel like this is just a normal life and it’s nothing for me to exaggerated or make drama of, but trust me, be in my shoe and you’ll know how I feel. I don’t want all these happened to me either but it happened, them all. and right now, I’m accepting them one by one.

Oh yeah, about my disease, the red spots are pretty much gone. But it starts to peel, the skin that is. so basically it’s hard for me to shower or anything involve with water. Because if it’s soaked, trust me you don’t want look at it. as one person said to me “you’re like a snake, shaking off its skin.” It’s scary looking. So I guess people would be more afraid now than before. and since it’s peeling off, it’s sting as much as the first time I had it. so I cant really walk or do anything I want recklessly. It’s just like back to square one. Only it’s much bearable than before. mom’s able to touch me again but she’s said my palms are rough, so she’s quite eerie when I touched her. so better not touch her or anyone then. All that I have are pillows, teddies. At least better than hugging nothing at all. heh.

Yeah, that’s my story. And tell you what? I cried while writing this. i poured my heart’s out while writing this. so I don’t mind if you think I’m such a drama or whatever.  but this is what I’ve been feeling, going through. and all I want is to have at least one person to understand how I feel, aside from my family. That’s all. but I know it’s just a wishful thinking.


p/s : “As I hide my sad tears for that one cause, I will leave, but please remember me. Please don't forget me.”

Monday, January 7, 2013

is it a crush? like? or love?

I was hit with this question, a few days ago, by a friend of mine about a guy.

How should I write this?

Okay, let’s start with who is this guy I’m talking about. Truth is, I don’t know him. I never knew him. I umm how umm. I don’t really know how to put it in words. Okay umm. Last 2 years? Maybe 3 years ago, me and my friends, the breaks in between classes, we used to just hang out at the cafeteria in our campus. So umm one day, *omg this feels like a story telling tale or whatever you wanna call it as! Lol*, one day, we went up to that café *yes, it’s on the 2nd floor of the block* and went to find a table. So got the nearest from the route we came from. we sat there, chit chatting, as usual. And then, a group of guys caught by my pervy eyes. Lol they’re sitting near a pillar, a few rows difference.

And then I said to my friends “hey, that guy looks cute.”

Normal, right?

The abnormal part was that, each and every time/every day that we went to the café, the guy and his friends were always there. same seat. Same table. And we’re sitting on the same place too. since we pretty much sure that he’s not from our course, so we don’t actually know his name. don’t even know his age too. he seemed to be around my age? And because we always saw him but not knowing his name, I just came up with one. “Akim.” I said to my friend. akim is a celebrity here in Malaysia. 

this is the real Akim, the malaysian artist. 

Akim and this ‘akim’ clone, they have same features, maybe? I think so. this guy is much taller. fairer skin? With a longer hair. A bit. he looks good to me. hahahaha but none of my friends thought the same. but then since we’ve been seeing him a lot, that name stuck. And we’ve met eyes quite a few times. I caught him smiling at me too, well I’m not really sure but I think so. he smiled shyly though. Heheehhe I know I blushed like hell each time I saw him, so there’s no doubt about it. lol and I always be this giddy like seriously giddy when I saw him.

And the fact that one of his friend acted like this evil step mother, which one of mines acted the same too, so me and this Akim guy got into the same situation. My friend would stare at him like she’s going to eat the hell of him and his friend would do the same to me. which of course I won’t be bug by it.

There’s one time where this one narrow hallway near our café opened up a small, temporary accessories stall. I was about to go and take a look with my friends and right at the exact moment, he popped in front of me! I didn’t see him at all and suddenly he’s there. and because it’s crowded due to the stall, I tell you, it was like a loongggg moment. he just stood there in front of me and I could do nothing but to look away. of course I grinned like an idiot. And he too was like blushing all the way. And! I was standing on a very small divider. If someone actually knocked me, I would ended up hugging him. but thank God that didn’t happen! Wait! What if that happened? Heheheeheheh

There’s even one time where we had a midterm. A 2hour paper. While waiting before going into this exam hall, I saw him. I thought he just wanna bug his friends or something. Then when I went in, trying to look for my friend behind, I saw the ‘step mother’. My mind was like ‘he’s here!’ when I turned back my head, 45 degrees to the right, he’s there! for God’s sake, he’s there! I’m not sure If he saw me but for the first 30mins, I just looked at him. I didn’t even open my question paper, if I’m not mistaken. But thank God he left after that 30mins, busted~ he didn’t know how to answer his paper! Haahahahahah since I knew that the hall mixed with other courses, I think he’s a business student?

Then day by day, it’s the same. I saw him a few times in my apartment premise, maybe he lived here too. but then I didn’t saw him anymore. I saw him with a girl, like quarrelling? My face showed how I was downed by that. he saw it too, he looked at me but I looked away. that I confirmed because I was walking near the place they quarreled.

Then, I’ve began to hardly see him. once every semester? And then that’s it. but I managed to see him gaining and losing weight a few times. and then last semester, somehow I saw him at another apartment  next to mine while sending a friend of mine there. truth is, I thought I’ve forgotten about him. never really take him serious though, even before. I just thought of him as someone cute. A cutie, for my eyes’ pleasure. That’s all. of course I blushed or giddy or sad when I saw him do this and that but it never really stick in my mind nor my heart. I was surprised when I saw him that night. I was as giddy as I was before.

Having a small crisis with this friend of mine that acted like stepmother, let’s call her A, she told B, another friend of mine to tell me something. This happened umm august last year? umm A said that she went to the Starbucks, at the city, and there’s Akim, working there. she found the name was ‘A….’. so the only thing that’s right was his name started with A. lol so then A told B that Akim, being cashier, flirted with her, or something. Attempted to flirt. I guess? I don’t know. B told me all these. I was at first shocked but then it was just for a second that I turned into sad and in split second I didn’t feel a thing. Because I know I don’t have any feelings for him. then I thought maybe I was jealous. That I wanna see him doing that to me. but then, I thought “What the heck.” Maybe because of the crisis, I didn’t even bothered by this guy. and I didn’t really wavered by the story. It could be untrue, right?

This semester.

Let’s just say, I saw him quite a few times. I saw him going to class, that he’s lost. It’s funny that he didn’t even know where his class was. We met eyes for a moment before I looked away. then I looked back, he was opening every door to check if it’s his class. Lol cutie poop!

Oh yes! There’s one time after night class, me and the girls went to this restaurant. Since we went by separate cars, me and one friend arrived first. We sat there and talked. And then! I saw the step mother! I was shocked. His table was in front of ours. Positively thinking, I thought Akim won’t be there. as soon as the second car arrived, I said to my friend, B, “hey, step mother is here!” and B slyly said “he’s here too, Akim’s here.” I was like WHAT? B was like “you didn’t see him? he’s there.” she gave me the position and God damn! He’s there! he’s already blushed, smiled when I saw him. God~ seriously. You guys wanna know what? Never once I look good in front of him. he always saw me wearing t-shirt and ripped jeans. Never once he saw me looking at least better. But I don’t really care. Since I knew his existence there, I can’t stop smiling. Oh and the step mother even stood up and changed his seat, sitting next to him. I guess he wanna protect him from me? LOL and then, suddenly he, plus a friend, got up and went to pay. And then they walked away. suddenly I saw them in this car, the same car as mine but his was white and mine’s black. I was like ‘omg~’ lol he drove it too, so it’s totally his car. Omg~ hahahaha

And then~ yes! I was coming out from a convenient shop in my campus, and when I looked to the right, he’s there. we’re drinking water bottle at the same time. good thing I didn’t spill any. But he was about to. LOL I quickly looked to the left and get moving. I was walking like a robot, it was hell of embarrassing but I just gotta run. And I don’t know why this misfortune happened but a senior of mine called out my name. 3 TIMES! I just gotta make a u turn and walked to her. good thing I was wearing earphones, so that thing became an excellent excuse. My peripheral saw he walked to the other end, having a lost face. lol like he just saw a ghost. Lol

But! But! But! Buuuuttttt!

There’s a very recent event happened to me. last Friday, I went for lunch/dinner and shopping with my friend/neighbor. Let’s call her S. when we’re eating, she suddenly raised the topic of love. and then we remembered that Akim worked at the Starbucks at that  mall. Since we didn’t know how true was the previous story from B, S told me to give it a try. I too wanted to buy Frappe there so yeah, what the hell right? Consider it to be authentication test too. lol so after we ate, shopped, the moment came. It was funny. Lol we went to the Starbucks, stood there at the door and looked. “He’s not there.” I said. but S asked if I wanna still go and buy that Frappe. As I was about to say yes, he popped from I don’t even know where, standing at the counter. I cant even remember my expression but I know I was shocked. Went to the counter, he pushed his to the side and acted like he’s counting the coins! Another person became my cashier. But because I was already shocked, I became speechless. It’s so obvious, about me being speechless and him, suddenly became coin counter. Hahahahah he was standing, bending his body that I thought his nose can even reach the table. Lol he didn’t even lift his face but he was there, next to my cashier. His friend stuck on his right side. lol pity you, dude. And you guys know what? The cashier asked for my name, so I gave it. she said it wrongly, not once, not twice but 5 times! 5 times I had to repeat my name! damn! I bet he could already memorized my name by then. Damn~ God knows how embarrassed I was. As soon as I’ve paid, I went to S and said “Just kill me. please.” She was like smirking and just went with my flow. I took that frappe and with happiness I sipped it. I took a glance, he’s still there, bending, counting the coins. LOL when we wanna go out, the friend was extremely chirpy said “Thank you!!” and the others said but with normal tone. But him, I saw him stood up and looked but didn’t say anything. oh yes, I just gave a kitty grin to him and the friend since I can’t even look at him. my eyes was extremely small, crescent, while I was slurping that drink. We walked out and me and S were laughing. S said she stared at him all the way. He didn’t even lift his face even once. He was so focused on counting/arranging the coins. LOL
OH! i'm missing the most important fact! he's wearing a santa hat! he looked fucking adorable!!!!!!!!!!

his side profile while counting the money, almost looked like the real Akim.

Truth of matter is I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t think I can face him anymore, in campus. I mean after the Starbucks incident. But I put a lot of thinking about it. I mean, if he didn’t have any feelings for me, he could just attend me as my cashier and me being his customer. Right? and what’s with the sudden coin counting? LOL but then, when I think about it again, it could be that he likes one of my friends? but since I’m the who look at him a lot, he became shy? I don’t know. I don’t know what the real thing here is anymore! lol drama~ lol but he seriously got me confused by his acts. That’s it.

Oh wait, have I mentioned what I like about this guy? because he’s mysterious. Right until now, I just now his name, the car that he drove but without the plat number and I think I know where he lived. That’s it. I’ve never talk to him. but I want to. And the fact I think he’s cute, his smile is cute. I like the way he smiles, he looks like a kid when he smiles. He has this bright, chirpy face, I like that. and he’s the typical criteria (appearance wise) I wanted – tall, fair skinned and almost-crescent eyes. But the curiosity of wanting to know more about him attracts me. and to think that I’ve been doing this for 3 years, maybe, I think it’s amazing. Lol I mean I don’t really have feelings for him, why am I so curios? Right? 

The fact that next semester, I’ll be taking leave since there’s no subjects for me to take. I have to wait for 4 months for the another sem. I don’t know if he would still be there. I hope so, he would be there. but when I think about it could my last time seeing him. at some point, I’m a bit sad. But then, it’s not something that’s easy to solve. I mean I’m not bold enough to walk up to him and say it straight to his face “Can we be friends?” I’m not that bold. But I wanna try and talk to him, just once. But I think it’s impossible. And to hope for him to suddenly do that, talk to me would be a miracle. So yeah. I guess, if it is to be the last I see him, then I think I’m happy. at least I manage to know his real name, like the one my friend said. I’ll try to be satisfied by it. but I wish to know more and talk to him. Well, that I gonna leave it to God to give me that. who knows if I got to be friend with him, right? hehehehe ah! Impossible!

Oh I told mom about him, just some bits. Mom named him as mike mizanin. You know, the miz from wwe? Hahahahah she said the real Akim looked like Mizanin. So this cloned Akim should be looking like one. LOL 

the miz. 

Can I just laugh? Hahahahahaha it’s been a while since I actually write something here. and I wrote this? hahahaha hell yeah it’s funny, at least for me it is. hahahahah

So now tell me, what is this? crush? Like? Or love? I think it’s just crush. But since last Friday, I’m still smiling, until now I am. And when I hear B1A4 – hey girl, I thought of him. so I made that song official when I think of him. lol I’m so loose in the head. Sigh. Wish to see that smile of his one more time. lol I’ve been wishing too much. I don’t think God gonna grant any of these silly desires of mine. Whatever. as long as that can keep me smiling, I’ll be wishing even more.

and please tell me what to do? give me suggestions!!

p/s : I should be sleeping. Got another 2 hours before I really have to get up for class. oh when i look back at these pictures, miz sure have the same smile as the real Akim. not the one i have crushed on. but the cloned Akim seemed to have the same smile too, i think? LOL

Saturday, November 17, 2012


oh yeah. i've been watching quite a few of these animes recently. and i caught myself fangirling over the male characters like crazy. what can i do? they're just so cool. and *sigh* even the almost yaoi ones too. hahahahahaahh i especially love those tsundere characters. tsundere means at first, that person would so cold, so evil but become warmer later. 

these are some of the ones i've watched: 



GTO *sexy~~*

JUNJOU ROMANTICA *hint of yaoiness*

SEKAI-ICHI HATSUKOI *hint of yaoiness*


these were some of them that i've watched. loved it, still loving it. and recommendable too. hehehe

currently in love with fang li ren from hanasakeru seishonen. he's like friggin sexy and SEXY! hahaha i know i'm being crazy for being in love with anime characters but to the hell with it! THEY ARE GORGEOUS! hahahhah

uuuu~ me like chest muscles~~ smexy collarbones~~ nyahahaha!! pervert me!

so now i need some suggestiosn for more animes to watch! boyxboy ones are welcome too! *i wanna yaoiness! nyahahah* minna, please suggest me the good ones okay? hehehe 


p/s : truthfully boyxboy love is much more interesting. nyahahahaha~!!!!

halloween, birthday and some ranting

hey people, wassup? oh god, it's been so long since i posted something here. truthfully i have nothing to share to you guys. my life is dull, officially. i'm being serious right now! i mean i didnt get to go for bigbang alive tour. my birthday was like as empty as harry potter's. oh yeah, last halloween was birthday, so happy belated me, again. i even thought that my birth date would be the suckiest date ever but thank God it didn't. ahamdulillah to that. it was this close *showing you the small gap between mi thumb and index finger* to be as suck but yeah, it didn't. and almost got a new headphone as my present, and again, didn't. it was a mess, that day, that whole week that i skipped all the classes within that said week. something terrible happened, that's why. but those who knew, keep it to yourself, okay? i'm talking to you tira. hahahah gonna have to catch up with studies. i'm touched that even the lecturers were asking why did i not attend that week's classes. just said i had fever. i did have a fever but also something else. but it's fine now. everything's alright, i guess.

some things remained the same. i see no changes. some, yes. maybe a bit. but i hope for a better future? hahahah i don't even what i'm saying. it's just 2am for God sake. my mind must be wrecked.

oh yeah, since mom and dad went for outstation on friday night, just left my brother, granny and me. guess what? me and mi ol brother attempted to cook something for granny instead of buying. granny's kinda picky so yeah, it's kinda hard. only mom knows what granny likes. at first, granny wanted banana fritters but then, since my bro said "hey since mom left us with perfect supplies, let's cook! how about good old chicken chop?" and i was like "okay! i'm in!", so he thought of making seafood tempura for granny. granny loves seafood. we asked her first, just in case she might reject that idea. but hell yeah, she said yes! hahaha so me and my bro got ourselves busy in the kitchen. between us two, he's a better cook, much better. i would normally do the prepping and washing. hahaha badabing badabang badaboom! we finished granny's first. i made her favorite drink, coffee to compliment that dinner food. we finished ours soon after and we three ate together. crossing fingers, we asked her how they tasted. oh yeah, we made soft shell crab and calamari tempura. and thank God!! she said they tasted good. she even finished the calamari and keeping the soft shell crab, some of it for tomorrow morning! yay!! but sadly, for our side, the gravy was like not up to our standard, so that's a bit disappointing. but the side dishes were awesome and also the chicken too. hehehe gonna ask mom about the gravy's recipe again. we asked and tried but it didn't work out. sad. hahahah

since mom and dad came home just now, i'm back with happiness and giddiness again! weehuuuu!!! hahahaha gonna do some gossiping tomorrow. can't wait! heheheh

that's all from me.


p/s : hey you! yes, you! miss me? nyahahahha