Sunday, January 5, 2014

bored and random

hey people! it's been a while, huh? well, frankly i've got nothing to write. my life is dull as ever. and currently, im writing this because i'm bored. so bored. lol

yep, that is pretty much me right now. i dont have the feeling to do anything. and assignments are piling up but i dont really wanna do it. i just dont wanna. lol

oh yeah, yesterday, i thought of something. what if i start a advice column or such. i mean advice on relationship and stuff like that. though i am single since forever. not to boast but people always said that i'm kinda good with the advice thing(?). lol and i love advising people. for me, it's like a new experience, feeling, etc i could learn. i've advised kids to married people. but it's just like an idea for them rather than to really apply what i said. so. umm. well, yeah. should i do it??


p/s : after all it's just an opinion.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

this is what i feel

Hello everyone. It’s been a while isn’t it? well today, I finally got something to write, or I finally able to type something out. And again, it’s an emotional post. I know, everything about me is emotional. Im sorry but that’s the way I am. And I think, this post is like a reminder for me for the future. I don’t know.

This is more like revealing my true feelings than just a mere post. I’ve been holding things up that I think I might be crazy if I keep it even more. At least, this small post might give a small relief. When I say crazy, it’s the real crazy and not just a word to spur.

Before I actually start this revealing and relief session, I wanna apologize to anyone that might be thinking I’m pointing it to them or something. I’m not. even if I do, I just hope you would understand. but, again, I’m sorry.

I don’t really know how to start but lets just say these few months weren’t the best. in fact it might be some of the worsts I experienced. I know, God has created this path so that he could test our patience. but I have to be frank, it’s really unbearable. At some point, I had a breakdown. More than once, I think.

What actually happened to me? well, I won’t go by sequence but I had an accident for the second time, a family problem, study problem, I lost some friends, and I got a disease. The latest was the disease and it hit me hard. really hard. physically, mentally and emotionally. There were other things happened before too. but, I don’t know.

Everything happened within such a short period that I cant actually breath. These events messed me up real good. I remembered when I got into that accident, I even said to a friend of mine that I gave up. I didn’t even know what and why I gave up. I just felt like giving up. I thought I was going crazy, already felt crazy. And I still feel like it. These things happened one after another to the extent that I was thinking “what will happen next?”.

The first few events, I thought I could manage it. I thought I could handle it. I thought I have the power to do. But I knew, I was in the verge of breaking down. but when that disease hit me, I was breaking down like crazy. Truthfully, I’m a person that’s hardly to cry. even if it’s just a tear, it would be like hell to get It out of my eyes. I could only cry if it's related to my family. Or if I really, extremely appreciate something. And I would have this silent cry. But since the breakdown, I can’t stop crying, even to the extent sobbing, grieving etc. I’m not the person im familiar of anymore.  Each and every night, I would cry and reminisce about things I’ve done.  I kept on blaming myself. but I guess no one knew about it. of course they dont. and now you all do.

Oh yeah, you guys must be wondering what disease it was. It’s just hand and foot disease. I know I made it sound like it’s some hell of a disease but trust me, you wont wanna get it. the disease would normally attack kids but I don’t even know why I got this thing. Let me take you back to how it happened.

It was Ramadhan. 2nd day of Ramadhan, if I’m not mistaken. At first, I had fever. It was raining in the morning here and suddenly there’s a news about my study. A bad one. Well at least for me. I can’t graduate this year. I have to extend another year. due to my ignorance, I just blew myself up. everything that I have planned, every single thing, for me and my family, I just blew all of that up, just because of my stupidity and ignorance. It was my mistake. And I don’t even know how to make it up to my family for what I have done. Mom’s supposed to retire next year and now she has to keep working until I finished everything and start working. Dad was expecting me to finish early and help him with his business. and now, I cant do that. I just ruined their expectation. Don’t even mention about my brother and grandma. But truthfully I was even more devastated. I was so disappointed to the point that I don’t know what to do with myself. I became clueless. But I tried to cheer myself up, saying that I could boost my grades and points. But I know, it’s nothing, compared to what everyone really feels. It was my mistake. And I cant take it back. I cant mend it. the only thing I could do is to just finish it. mom said it’s a hassle now since our financial isn’t that good and what I did is making it worst. Dad became speechless. I know it’s my fault and sorry isn’t enough to cover all that. even if I say I would study hard, I know it would not change much. but truly, I’m sorry Mama, Abah. You’ve expected as much but I just ruined everything. Im no good after all.

That night my fever got worst. But I just took some paracetamol and just endured that fever. Thinking I would burden people even more, I just kept quiet about it. the next day, my throat got worst, so did my fever. Went to a stupid clinic, they just give me an MC, saying there’s nothing wrong with me. again, I endured that fever which I knew it’s getting worst and took some paracetamol and stuck some cooling gel on my head. That night, mom called. She heard my voice got raspy. I told her I just had a slight fever, not to worry her. but then, guilt hit me. I told her about the extension, which at that time she didn’t knew. She was mad, I knew she was. She insisted me to appeal to the university and said I may have the fever because of overthinking about this, wanted to hide it. I said that I didn’t wanna hide it, and I was going to tell her. and the fact that it was raining the day before that made me have that fever, though i'm usually tough. she seemed to not believe me. but what can I do. I tried to convince her especially about the extension.

The next day, I went to my faculty manager and she said she couldn’t do anything. and it’s definite extension for me. only God knows how I felt at that time. I thought I would collapsed right at that moment. but thank God I didn’t. but I was blank, speechless. Everything’s falling apart for me at that time. And my fever didn’t help either. But then I thought I should settled on my fever first. So I went to another doctor, he said my state was so bad. It could go worst in a nick of time. and I even got some red spots which I thought was my allergies. I went back and told my mom again about the extension. She was sad, disappointed. It’s so clear through her voice. My heart sank with hers. I just didn’t know what to do. She even hung up. but that night, she called me again. she said not to overthink about it. it maybe hard in the future but she said it will be okay. I just got to study hard. that’s it. she knew I’m this overthinking type of person. I was a bit relieved with that phone call. Though guilt hit me really, extremely hard. she asked me about my fever, I told her, part of it. but I asked her to not worry about me. that I would be okay. and it’s going to subside soon enough. I didn’t want her to worry about me anymore, not after the extension news. I didn’t her to carry more burden that she already had. But she did say to go to the hospital, if it got worse. Again, I tried to convince her to stop worrying about me and that I would be okay.

I guess bearing too much really got the worst of me. I was sick like a dog. The next day, I woke up with the red spots spread on the sides of my palms, feet and some other places. It’s not itchy. As the matter of fact, it’s kinda painful if i pressed (even gently) on the spots. I cant really grab things nor can I walk that much. And so i went to the hospital. Because I didn’t want to burden anyone, I drove myself there. it was funny since I had to open my fingers and drove with only the heel of my palms. And since my feet had those too, I can’t really pressed on the pedals. Indeed it was really dangerous. And painful. But I had to bear it.

The doctor then diagnosed me with this thing called hand, foot and mouth disease. But good thing my mouth was cleared from it. it’s viral, it could spread to other people. And I had to isolate myself, the doctor asked me to. It’s good since I’ve been isolating myself since forever. It didn’t matter much. since the series of events happening before it, I’ve been isolating myself from people. I told my mom, about the disease, just the disease, minus the painful state that I was having. she was worried. Really worried. Which was opposing  to what I wanted of her. she said my elder would come and fetch me, on the next day, or the next 2 days? I guess? I cant really remember it well, since this was like a month ago. I told a friend of mine. She’s also worried. But since she had fever, I said to her not to worry. she should took care of herself even more than to worry about me. right? but at least, she heard me. I’m really grateful of that. Thank you tira. Though it’s not much, but thank you.

I went back, and pain started to kick in. I really cant grab thing much, I walked miserably. It’s like I better off laying. Like I was bed ridden. And since my tonsil was really bad, I can’t eat anything. I just keep on drinking. it was funny because I thought I could lessen my weight using this opportunity. But the pain was much more than just a mere fun.

For a week, I went back to my real home, not the one I rented. It was somewhat like hell to me. my hands and feet were full of spots. I cant walk, I cant even stand. I cant grab, or even touch anything. due to the awful sting on the spots whenever I do something, all I could do was lay on my bed. it was meant to be that way. But I didn’t. I went against it. I walked, more like I crawled, I tried to do things by myself, thinking my presence was enough burden to my parents. They’re worried but I kept on saying I was okay, I could endure it, I didn’t want to be spoilt. Even though only God knows how I cant do them at all. It was so painful that I thought I was walking on endless spikes or needles or holding or touching them. but I tried to fake a smile, laughter whenever they asked me about the pain. I said it was just a little bit, nothing much to worry about. And at night, I would cry, burying my face onto my favorite pillow, just like a kid. I said to myself “it was hard, but at least I’m still alive. There are people with even more worst disease than me. this would subside sooner than I think.” I know I was crazy but that’s the only thing that I could do. There were so many times that I almost fall whenever I tried to stand, and when I tried to stand while holding on something, my hands started to sting like hell. I just didn’t know what else to do. Everything that I did, it felt wrong, painful and just unbearable. But I always put a smile so no one worries about me.

Even everyone the house afraid to touch me. the closest was when mom sat on my bed, waking me up every morning for Sahur. I saw she wanted to touch me but she was afraid. I was extremely sad but then again, I said to her, even before that, to not touch me. I didn’t want her to be infected. Also to other family members. But truthfully, I was extremely sad. Mom and me are like best friends. normally we would hug each other, joke around and all. we’re so close like that. but since I got this disease, I can only looked at her, others. seeing my hands, she said she wanted to fed me, on the first day I came home, but I said it was fine, I could do it myself. like I said, I didn’t want her to get infected. It would be the worse feeling ever. But then, for the whole week I became just the burden when I cant help her clean or do any chores that always have been mine. As I watched do all that all by herself, I felt really guilty. She said she understood and that she was fine since she’s being doing it all along when I’m not home. But I knew it was my duty whenever I got home, real home. But just by watching her, it saddened me. I felt really guilty. I really wished that the disease would disappear and I could help her. I’ve worried her enough with my study, why should I leave her worry about me more than she should. Oh and I tried to wash the dishes once, and it was really bad on my side. but I tried to endure it real hard, until she said it’s enough. she said im torturing myself. I guess I did. but it’s much more unbearable to watch her instead.

And I remembered something. Mom said “maybe my prayers worked. You’ve been away for too long and all I could hear is your voice through phone calls. Since I miss you so much I prayed that you’ll be back sooner, or  that you fall ill you just had to come back home.” Actually, I was supposed to go back even later. And that her prayers actually worked. Because she missed me. and that even made me feel more guilty than I already was. I thought it was so stupid of me, for not realizing that. but not because I wanted to, I had a lot of work that I need to settle and midterm exams to sit. But I guess, that what they say mother’s prayers will be granted, no matter what they are. I really did come back, like she wanted to. And even with an illness.

Mom also said to me that I need to be happy. I didn’t even know why she said that. she said she had the feeling that I was sad these recent months and I wasn’t myself anymore. she said I looked depressed, despite the pain which also caused me black panda eyes due to lack of sleep. she said I looked depressed, unhappy and stressed out. And there’s this one friend of dad, I don’t say he’s a shaman or something but he could ‘see’ what happened to me. he said my spirit was a bit off lately. I’m not myself and so on. that’s what he saw in me. I guess it’s true somehow. I’m too depressed to bother. Mom said I need to control my emotion and avoid anything that may make me depress. Because if I don’t, it will get worse.

After that week, I went back to my rented apartment. That’s when another wave of negative emotion hit me. Friends avoided me, some didn’t actually believe I was sick. Some pretended to care, others don’t seem to bother. But for me, don’t bother to care if you’re not sincere enough to care. It’s hurting me even more. There’s one even asked me “am I gonna be infected if I sit beside you? will spread through air?” she asked it almost seriously. it’s fucking hurt, you know? I almost said “if I knew I should still be isolating and it’s still not cured, I wont go to class, I wont go near you or anyone! If you’re too afraid then don’t fucking sit beside me!” but I didn’t. I said something else, but then she said I took her question too seriously. I mean come on, I’m in the state recovery. Don’t play with my emotion like that. and don’t stick to me if you’re too afraid. I don’t need you to stick like that. only God knows how I endured my mouth, mind and heart and even at a point, my hand. there’s even walked far away like I’m a walking hazard, walking infectious creature. Come on. I’m not dumb to go to class if I can still spread this fucking disease to you all. and don’t even look at me like I’m that disgusting either. I’M NOT GONNA TOUCH YOU. I’M NOT GONNA HUG YOU. I’M NOT GONNA DO ANYTHING TO YOU ALL. anymore. I’m sick being treated like this. it’s not that all of you bother anymore. trust me, even if I was warded, I won’t tell to you guys anyway. Because you know what? I know you guys don’t bother. It gonna hurt me even more. At one point I even thought that even I fainted, collapsed even died alone here, don’t bother to care. I’ve hurt enough, even before I got sick, long before. I’ve been isolated by you guys anyways, what’s the point to care about me now?

I don’t say that im that good. but somehow, im glad being like this. we don’t have to pretend anymore do we? I don’t have to pretend and so you guys towards me. let’s just live our lives like strangers we already become. Don’t pretend to care anymore.

But truthfully, I wished to have friends that truly care about me. there were moments that I felt like I need to lean to someone, seeking help or comfort but I know it’s impossible. Because whenever I do that, the other person may want something in return. At times, I just want a friend that really lends me an ear without saying his/her problem back to me and ignore what I just said. that’s why I’ve decided long ago, since forever, to just keep my problems to myself because I know it’s not worth telling anyone. They’ll not listen to it. even if they do, they pretended to do so. I don’t want it to be unfair and unjust to them by letting them pretend like that. so I’ll just sacrifice myself and listen to them but I’ll just keep mine to myself. yes, I know by saying this it’s like saying I’m good and you all aren’t. no, because that’s the reality. And I’m sick of that. and that’s why, to not have them listen to my problem, I don’t listen to theirs. And by that I avoided them all. so, by avoiding them, I don’t have to face the good and the bad of them. and that it’s my fault that they avoided me now. the disease is just a path for them to avoid more. Well, we’re all not in good terms anymore, so nothing’s changed. But what I wanna is that at times I need some support, a little, tiny support from a group of people called friends, I don’t get one. And I don’t bother to have that support anymore. because having that support is a huge burden for me in the future. So yeah, I don’t need it. I can support my own self. I’m still alive and capable of doing things on my own.

An old friend used to say to me that I’ve kept too many things bottled up in me. she said one day I’ll go crazy.  At first I said to her that it’s okay. and now, I think I’m in the verge of that. but God’s here with me. Always with me. I know I could survive and alive as a normal person. But since long ago, I don’t trust anyone. But after having this illness, it showed more than just people who I should avoid. It showed people I should still be friend with too. and some that I don’t expect.

But like mom said “these friends you have now don’t necessarily keep being your friend in the future. But always know that you’ll have new, other friends in the future.” I guess that’s true.

And aside from all these, I got a few good chances, which I think thanks to God I managed to get them. and there are other people who concerned about me.

However, being said all this, I don’t want any sympathy. That’s the last thing I wanted from any one of you. im just telling all this is because I cant bear it anymore. at least, you all, despite being strangers could feel what I feel. I know some of you may feel like this is just a normal life and it’s nothing for me to exaggerated or make drama of, but trust me, be in my shoe and you’ll know how I feel. I don’t want all these happened to me either but it happened, them all. and right now, I’m accepting them one by one.

Oh yeah, about my disease, the red spots are pretty much gone. But it starts to peel, the skin that is. so basically it’s hard for me to shower or anything involve with water. Because if it’s soaked, trust me you don’t want look at it. as one person said to me “you’re like a snake, shaking off its skin.” It’s scary looking. So I guess people would be more afraid now than before. and since it’s peeling off, it’s sting as much as the first time I had it. so I cant really walk or do anything I want recklessly. It’s just like back to square one. Only it’s much bearable than before. mom’s able to touch me again but she’s said my palms are rough, so she’s quite eerie when I touched her. so better not touch her or anyone then. All that I have are pillows, teddies. At least better than hugging nothing at all. heh.

Yeah, that’s my story. And tell you what? I cried while writing this. i poured my heart’s out while writing this. so I don’t mind if you think I’m such a drama or whatever.  but this is what I’ve been feeling, going through. and all I want is to have at least one person to understand how I feel, aside from my family. That’s all. but I know it’s just a wishful thinking.


p/s : “As I hide my sad tears for that one cause, I will leave, but please remember me. Please don't forget me.”

Monday, January 7, 2013

is it a crush? like? or love?

I was hit with this question, a few days ago, by a friend of mine about a guy.

How should I write this?

Okay, let’s start with who is this guy I’m talking about. Truth is, I don’t know him. I never knew him. I umm how umm. I don’t really know how to put it in words. Okay umm. Last 2 years? Maybe 3 years ago, me and my friends, the breaks in between classes, we used to just hang out at the cafeteria in our campus. So umm one day, *omg this feels like a story telling tale or whatever you wanna call it as! Lol*, one day, we went up to that café *yes, it’s on the 2nd floor of the block* and went to find a table. So got the nearest from the route we came from. we sat there, chit chatting, as usual. And then, a group of guys caught by my pervy eyes. Lol they’re sitting near a pillar, a few rows difference.

And then I said to my friends “hey, that guy looks cute.”

Normal, right?

The abnormal part was that, each and every time/every day that we went to the café, the guy and his friends were always there. same seat. Same table. And we’re sitting on the same place too. since we pretty much sure that he’s not from our course, so we don’t actually know his name. don’t even know his age too. he seemed to be around my age? And because we always saw him but not knowing his name, I just came up with one. “Akim.” I said to my friend. akim is a celebrity here in Malaysia. 

this is the real Akim, the malaysian artist. 

Akim and this ‘akim’ clone, they have same features, maybe? I think so. this guy is much taller. fairer skin? With a longer hair. A bit. he looks good to me. hahahaha but none of my friends thought the same. but then since we’ve been seeing him a lot, that name stuck. And we’ve met eyes quite a few times. I caught him smiling at me too, well I’m not really sure but I think so. he smiled shyly though. Heheehhe I know I blushed like hell each time I saw him, so there’s no doubt about it. lol and I always be this giddy like seriously giddy when I saw him.

And the fact that one of his friend acted like this evil step mother, which one of mines acted the same too, so me and this Akim guy got into the same situation. My friend would stare at him like she’s going to eat the hell of him and his friend would do the same to me. which of course I won’t be bug by it.

There’s one time where this one narrow hallway near our café opened up a small, temporary accessories stall. I was about to go and take a look with my friends and right at the exact moment, he popped in front of me! I didn’t see him at all and suddenly he’s there. and because it’s crowded due to the stall, I tell you, it was like a loongggg moment. he just stood there in front of me and I could do nothing but to look away. of course I grinned like an idiot. And he too was like blushing all the way. And! I was standing on a very small divider. If someone actually knocked me, I would ended up hugging him. but thank God that didn’t happen! Wait! What if that happened? Heheheeheheh

There’s even one time where we had a midterm. A 2hour paper. While waiting before going into this exam hall, I saw him. I thought he just wanna bug his friends or something. Then when I went in, trying to look for my friend behind, I saw the ‘step mother’. My mind was like ‘he’s here!’ when I turned back my head, 45 degrees to the right, he’s there! for God’s sake, he’s there! I’m not sure If he saw me but for the first 30mins, I just looked at him. I didn’t even open my question paper, if I’m not mistaken. But thank God he left after that 30mins, busted~ he didn’t know how to answer his paper! Haahahahahah since I knew that the hall mixed with other courses, I think he’s a business student?

Then day by day, it’s the same. I saw him a few times in my apartment premise, maybe he lived here too. but then I didn’t saw him anymore. I saw him with a girl, like quarrelling? My face showed how I was downed by that. he saw it too, he looked at me but I looked away. that I confirmed because I was walking near the place they quarreled.

Then, I’ve began to hardly see him. once every semester? And then that’s it. but I managed to see him gaining and losing weight a few times. and then last semester, somehow I saw him at another apartment  next to mine while sending a friend of mine there. truth is, I thought I’ve forgotten about him. never really take him serious though, even before. I just thought of him as someone cute. A cutie, for my eyes’ pleasure. That’s all. of course I blushed or giddy or sad when I saw him do this and that but it never really stick in my mind nor my heart. I was surprised when I saw him that night. I was as giddy as I was before.

Having a small crisis with this friend of mine that acted like stepmother, let’s call her A, she told B, another friend of mine to tell me something. This happened umm august last year? umm A said that she went to the Starbucks, at the city, and there’s Akim, working there. she found the name was ‘A….’. so the only thing that’s right was his name started with A. lol so then A told B that Akim, being cashier, flirted with her, or something. Attempted to flirt. I guess? I don’t know. B told me all these. I was at first shocked but then it was just for a second that I turned into sad and in split second I didn’t feel a thing. Because I know I don’t have any feelings for him. then I thought maybe I was jealous. That I wanna see him doing that to me. but then, I thought “What the heck.” Maybe because of the crisis, I didn’t even bothered by this guy. and I didn’t really wavered by the story. It could be untrue, right?

This semester.

Let’s just say, I saw him quite a few times. I saw him going to class, that he’s lost. It’s funny that he didn’t even know where his class was. We met eyes for a moment before I looked away. then I looked back, he was opening every door to check if it’s his class. Lol cutie poop!

Oh yes! There’s one time after night class, me and the girls went to this restaurant. Since we went by separate cars, me and one friend arrived first. We sat there and talked. And then! I saw the step mother! I was shocked. His table was in front of ours. Positively thinking, I thought Akim won’t be there. as soon as the second car arrived, I said to my friend, B, “hey, step mother is here!” and B slyly said “he’s here too, Akim’s here.” I was like WHAT? B was like “you didn’t see him? he’s there.” she gave me the position and God damn! He’s there! he’s already blushed, smiled when I saw him. God~ seriously. You guys wanna know what? Never once I look good in front of him. he always saw me wearing t-shirt and ripped jeans. Never once he saw me looking at least better. But I don’t really care. Since I knew his existence there, I can’t stop smiling. Oh and the step mother even stood up and changed his seat, sitting next to him. I guess he wanna protect him from me? LOL and then, suddenly he, plus a friend, got up and went to pay. And then they walked away. suddenly I saw them in this car, the same car as mine but his was white and mine’s black. I was like ‘omg~’ lol he drove it too, so it’s totally his car. Omg~ hahahaha

And then~ yes! I was coming out from a convenient shop in my campus, and when I looked to the right, he’s there. we’re drinking water bottle at the same time. good thing I didn’t spill any. But he was about to. LOL I quickly looked to the left and get moving. I was walking like a robot, it was hell of embarrassing but I just gotta run. And I don’t know why this misfortune happened but a senior of mine called out my name. 3 TIMES! I just gotta make a u turn and walked to her. good thing I was wearing earphones, so that thing became an excellent excuse. My peripheral saw he walked to the other end, having a lost face. lol like he just saw a ghost. Lol

But! But! But! Buuuuttttt!

There’s a very recent event happened to me. last Friday, I went for lunch/dinner and shopping with my friend/neighbor. Let’s call her S. when we’re eating, she suddenly raised the topic of love. and then we remembered that Akim worked at the Starbucks at that  mall. Since we didn’t know how true was the previous story from B, S told me to give it a try. I too wanted to buy Frappe there so yeah, what the hell right? Consider it to be authentication test too. lol so after we ate, shopped, the moment came. It was funny. Lol we went to the Starbucks, stood there at the door and looked. “He’s not there.” I said. but S asked if I wanna still go and buy that Frappe. As I was about to say yes, he popped from I don’t even know where, standing at the counter. I cant even remember my expression but I know I was shocked. Went to the counter, he pushed his to the side and acted like he’s counting the coins! Another person became my cashier. But because I was already shocked, I became speechless. It’s so obvious, about me being speechless and him, suddenly became coin counter. Hahahahah he was standing, bending his body that I thought his nose can even reach the table. Lol he didn’t even lift his face but he was there, next to my cashier. His friend stuck on his right side. lol pity you, dude. And you guys know what? The cashier asked for my name, so I gave it. she said it wrongly, not once, not twice but 5 times! 5 times I had to repeat my name! damn! I bet he could already memorized my name by then. Damn~ God knows how embarrassed I was. As soon as I’ve paid, I went to S and said “Just kill me. please.” She was like smirking and just went with my flow. I took that frappe and with happiness I sipped it. I took a glance, he’s still there, bending, counting the coins. LOL when we wanna go out, the friend was extremely chirpy said “Thank you!!” and the others said but with normal tone. But him, I saw him stood up and looked but didn’t say anything. oh yes, I just gave a kitty grin to him and the friend since I can’t even look at him. my eyes was extremely small, crescent, while I was slurping that drink. We walked out and me and S were laughing. S said she stared at him all the way. He didn’t even lift his face even once. He was so focused on counting/arranging the coins. LOL
OH! i'm missing the most important fact! he's wearing a santa hat! he looked fucking adorable!!!!!!!!!!

his side profile while counting the money, almost looked like the real Akim.

Truth of matter is I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t think I can face him anymore, in campus. I mean after the Starbucks incident. But I put a lot of thinking about it. I mean, if he didn’t have any feelings for me, he could just attend me as my cashier and me being his customer. Right? and what’s with the sudden coin counting? LOL but then, when I think about it again, it could be that he likes one of my friends? but since I’m the who look at him a lot, he became shy? I don’t know. I don’t know what the real thing here is anymore! lol drama~ lol but he seriously got me confused by his acts. That’s it.

Oh wait, have I mentioned what I like about this guy? because he’s mysterious. Right until now, I just now his name, the car that he drove but without the plat number and I think I know where he lived. That’s it. I’ve never talk to him. but I want to. And the fact I think he’s cute, his smile is cute. I like the way he smiles, he looks like a kid when he smiles. He has this bright, chirpy face, I like that. and he’s the typical criteria (appearance wise) I wanted – tall, fair skinned and almost-crescent eyes. But the curiosity of wanting to know more about him attracts me. and to think that I’ve been doing this for 3 years, maybe, I think it’s amazing. Lol I mean I don’t really have feelings for him, why am I so curios? Right? 

The fact that next semester, I’ll be taking leave since there’s no subjects for me to take. I have to wait for 4 months for the another sem. I don’t know if he would still be there. I hope so, he would be there. but when I think about it could my last time seeing him. at some point, I’m a bit sad. But then, it’s not something that’s easy to solve. I mean I’m not bold enough to walk up to him and say it straight to his face “Can we be friends?” I’m not that bold. But I wanna try and talk to him, just once. But I think it’s impossible. And to hope for him to suddenly do that, talk to me would be a miracle. So yeah. I guess, if it is to be the last I see him, then I think I’m happy. at least I manage to know his real name, like the one my friend said. I’ll try to be satisfied by it. but I wish to know more and talk to him. Well, that I gonna leave it to God to give me that. who knows if I got to be friend with him, right? hehehehe ah! Impossible!

Oh I told mom about him, just some bits. Mom named him as mike mizanin. You know, the miz from wwe? Hahahahah she said the real Akim looked like Mizanin. So this cloned Akim should be looking like one. LOL 

the miz. 

Can I just laugh? Hahahahahaha it’s been a while since I actually write something here. and I wrote this? hahahaha hell yeah it’s funny, at least for me it is. hahahahah

So now tell me, what is this? crush? Like? Or love? I think it’s just crush. But since last Friday, I’m still smiling, until now I am. And when I hear B1A4 – hey girl, I thought of him. so I made that song official when I think of him. lol I’m so loose in the head. Sigh. Wish to see that smile of his one more time. lol I’ve been wishing too much. I don’t think God gonna grant any of these silly desires of mine. Whatever. as long as that can keep me smiling, I’ll be wishing even more.

and please tell me what to do? give me suggestions!!

p/s : I should be sleeping. Got another 2 hours before I really have to get up for class. oh when i look back at these pictures, miz sure have the same smile as the real Akim. not the one i have crushed on. but the cloned Akim seemed to have the same smile too, i think? LOL

Saturday, November 17, 2012


oh yeah. i've been watching quite a few of these animes recently. and i caught myself fangirling over the male characters like crazy. what can i do? they're just so cool. and *sigh* even the almost yaoi ones too. hahahahahaahh i especially love those tsundere characters. tsundere means at first, that person would so cold, so evil but become warmer later. 

these are some of the ones i've watched: 



GTO *sexy~~*

JUNJOU ROMANTICA *hint of yaoiness*

SEKAI-ICHI HATSUKOI *hint of yaoiness*


these were some of them that i've watched. loved it, still loving it. and recommendable too. hehehe

currently in love with fang li ren from hanasakeru seishonen. he's like friggin sexy and SEXY! hahaha i know i'm being crazy for being in love with anime characters but to the hell with it! THEY ARE GORGEOUS! hahahhah

uuuu~ me like chest muscles~~ smexy collarbones~~ nyahahaha!! pervert me!

so now i need some suggestiosn for more animes to watch! boyxboy ones are welcome too! *i wanna yaoiness! nyahahah* minna, please suggest me the good ones okay? hehehe 


p/s : truthfully boyxboy love is much more interesting. nyahahahaha~!!!!

halloween, birthday and some ranting

hey people, wassup? oh god, it's been so long since i posted something here. truthfully i have nothing to share to you guys. my life is dull, officially. i'm being serious right now! i mean i didnt get to go for bigbang alive tour. my birthday was like as empty as harry potter's. oh yeah, last halloween was birthday, so happy belated me, again. i even thought that my birth date would be the suckiest date ever but thank God it didn't. ahamdulillah to that. it was this close *showing you the small gap between mi thumb and index finger* to be as suck but yeah, it didn't. and almost got a new headphone as my present, and again, didn't. it was a mess, that day, that whole week that i skipped all the classes within that said week. something terrible happened, that's why. but those who knew, keep it to yourself, okay? i'm talking to you tira. hahahah gonna have to catch up with studies. i'm touched that even the lecturers were asking why did i not attend that week's classes. just said i had fever. i did have a fever but also something else. but it's fine now. everything's alright, i guess.

some things remained the same. i see no changes. some, yes. maybe a bit. but i hope for a better future? hahahah i don't even what i'm saying. it's just 2am for God sake. my mind must be wrecked.

oh yeah, since mom and dad went for outstation on friday night, just left my brother, granny and me. guess what? me and mi ol brother attempted to cook something for granny instead of buying. granny's kinda picky so yeah, it's kinda hard. only mom knows what granny likes. at first, granny wanted banana fritters but then, since my bro said "hey since mom left us with perfect supplies, let's cook! how about good old chicken chop?" and i was like "okay! i'm in!", so he thought of making seafood tempura for granny. granny loves seafood. we asked her first, just in case she might reject that idea. but hell yeah, she said yes! hahaha so me and my bro got ourselves busy in the kitchen. between us two, he's a better cook, much better. i would normally do the prepping and washing. hahaha badabing badabang badaboom! we finished granny's first. i made her favorite drink, coffee to compliment that dinner food. we finished ours soon after and we three ate together. crossing fingers, we asked her how they tasted. oh yeah, we made soft shell crab and calamari tempura. and thank God!! she said they tasted good. she even finished the calamari and keeping the soft shell crab, some of it for tomorrow morning! yay!! but sadly, for our side, the gravy was like not up to our standard, so that's a bit disappointing. but the side dishes were awesome and also the chicken too. hehehe gonna ask mom about the gravy's recipe again. we asked and tried but it didn't work out. sad. hahahah

since mom and dad came home just now, i'm back with happiness and giddiness again! weehuuuu!!! hahahaha gonna do some gossiping tomorrow. can't wait! heheheh

that's all from me.


p/s : hey you! yes, you! miss me? nyahahahha

Sunday, July 8, 2012

a deceitful smile, for you

hey peeps. it's been a while, hasnt it? sorry, i've been busy with something else. i could feel the dustiness of this blog. but i really dont have anything to write. but maybe today i got one. and let me warn you, it's kinda emotional? well, i dont wanna put it like that but it could turn out like that. and it could bring confusion and misunderstanding. might as well dont read it.

okay, the truth is that i felt i've changed these days. i'm much more sensitive? i dont know. rather than sensitive, i'm somewhat more frank? i dont know how put it in words. it's these emotions playing around in my mind and of course in my heart too. maybe lonesome? i don't know. but what i do know that these emotions are piling up in me. 

some things happened. quite a few things. and they happened along this 2012. and i could put as first half of 2012 and the soon second half to be, not my year. i faced a lot of heartaches, not the love ones, but other kind of heartaches to the extent that some of it were unbearable. it's not just involving myself but there were some that involved my family too. it makes it more hurtful. but you know, for everyone, i tried to endure it. i can't lie to myself, these things are painful, very hurtful. and as much as i wanna forget them, i just can't. somehow they left scars. my mind, my heart even my reputation, my pride too. i don't just talk about them to everyone as i know not everyone wanna listen. they said they would or willing to but... well i dont wanna put it as a lie but i know, everyone has their own problems and maybe even bigger than mine. 

we just have to be the listener. but listening is tiring. listening is boring. listening is sicking. but! when only it's too much than it should be. i'm not pointing this to any specific individual. it's a general thing and i bet everyone would agree to this. right? if it's just a small little thing, bear it, solve it, confront it or anything that you could with it. if it's a huge thing, maybe seeking for an advice is good. 

what am i blabbering right now? 

some things are connected to each other and it was unbearable but it became bearable and became unbearable again. i know i wasnt supposed to make it the same or to even compare it but the similarities, i just can't overlook. i could feel my brain is cracking, as well as my heart. not because of studies but due to all these craps. should have forgotten them but there are things ignited them. the medium has now dysfunction, as far as i'm concerned. but there are other mediums penetrating in, trying to find useful information, turning it to a source to bombard. a fort has been built but i'm not sure it's good enough to defend. to ignore it somehow is hard. i dont wanna turn it into an infection. 

i dont hate people. i just dont. but i  may dislike. it's hard for me to forget but i definitely forgive. i dont put myself as revengeful person but whatever that has happened, bad or good, my mind kept it well and safe. i'm suffering because of that. because my mind keeps on reminding me things i dont wanna remember anymore. the fact that i, myself am not a good person. so i hope for forgiveness. 

again, what am i saying? why am i saying all these? i dont even have the answers. i couldn't keep my mind straight. but it shouldnt be a bother to all of you. don't worry, i'm not gonna smack you all or something. but sometimes, like i used to say to a friend of mine which i think of her like my sister, "you wouldn't know if one day, you'll see me, not here but in the asylum." she got mad at me because i kept things to myself too much. i wasn't like back then in high school where i could just lift the chair and threw it to someone whenever i wanted to vent my anger. i'm going 21 this year. problems are getting complicated and i need to face and solve it like an adult. but i don't know if i will be as rationale as i should be in the future. when it involves the world rather than a small group of people, i don't think it's easy to tackle. but it's a good thing when there's God and a family that always backed you up and constantly being there with you. even that, i just can't show my sadness to them. my family put me as a heartless person, never let a tear fall. but sadly, i'm not as heartless. but i managed to show one, being all heartless. heartless and ignorant. 

but seriously, right now, i feel heartless. i don't know how i feel now. well, i don't feel a thing. it's blank, empty. it made me wonder if my heart still functioning well. well, it is since i'm still breathing and all. i'm still alive, alhamdulillah. 

well, let's just put these as phases that i must go through in life. we need to be optimistic. Allah's always there. and like i used to say to a few people, if we feel we're right, we need to stand firm. if we feel that we're wrong, just apologize. but i just gotta say this, i'm tired of obliging people and just let them step me, my mind, heart and pride and my family like it's nothing. it's not nothing. it's something. but i know, God is there and he'll judge for whatever we all did, doing and will do. despite all that, there's always a silver lining out of all these. so, it's okay. i'll endure as much as i could. well, i think studies could cover these sores up for a moment. i hope. 

"apa2 je lah. lantak lah. suka hati lah. biar je la. tak yah la amek port. tak yah la amek peduli." these are the words by my accomplice, my one and only brother. we faced quite a few things together. and we always cheer ourselves up like this. and mom and dad would say the same. "let it be. it's alright. it's nothing. it'd be fine. it will be okay." and so these all will be my words, i hope, to everything that happened, happens and will happen in the future.

oh and people who knew what i'm saying, do keep it as a secret please? i beg of you. the things i said were important to be closed and sealed. 

well, i dont suppose this to be writing all these right here. i know there'll be misunderstanding or some sort but hey! this is my blog. i can't write whatever i want here. but i hope there's none of that negativity. this is purely from my heart. i dont intend for any sympathy nor misunderstanding. i dont mind if you guys wanna laugh at me for being this miserable because i dont care. i know there are people who are much more in misery, having much bigger problems than mine, maybe even more humiliating. i could see my problems as small, tiny bits compared to other people. so i dont deserve any pity or anything. because you know what? i'm alright! i'm fine. perfectly fine. i'm eating right and sleeping comfortably. 

oh yeah, to occupy myself, i played a game in ipad called 'shall we date? : Ninja Love'. i fall in love with the rpg and the characters. sasuke, kotaro and saizo. i guess that sis i said in the previous paragraphs knew about this. lol i should find a boyfriend, a combination of these three characters. hehehehe well at least it pushes my heart to a happy state and my mind too.


p/s : smile. 

oh and i'm listening to 2ne1's i love you. i'm loving it. hehehe

Wednesday, June 20, 2012


I kept sticking my tongue back at him. lol. i've gone mad. damn you choi seunghyun! hahahahah well, such a cutie pie, doing like that. i don't get the fingers actually, moving like that. lol


p/s : i wanna kiss youhhhhh!!! hahahahah