is it a crush? like? or love?

I was hit with this question, a few days ago, by a friend of mine about a guy.

How should I write this?

Okay, let’s start with who is this guy I’m talking about. Truth is, I don’t know him. I never knew him. I umm how umm. I don’t really know how to put it in words. Okay umm. Last 2 years? Maybe 3 years ago, me and my friends, the breaks in between classes, we used to just hang out at the cafeteria in our campus. So umm one day, *omg this feels like a story telling tale or whatever you wanna call it as! Lol*, one day, we went up to that café *yes, it’s on the 2^nd floor of the block* and went to find a table. So got the nearest from the route we came from. we sat there, chit chatting, as usual. And then, a group of guys caught by my pervy eyes. Lol they’re sitting near a pillar, a few rows difference.

And then I said to my friends “hey, that guy looks cute.”

Normal, right?

The abnormal part was that, each and every time/every day that we went to the café, the guy and his friends were always there. same seat. Same table. And we’re sitting on the same place too. since we pretty much sure that he’s not from our course, so we don’t actually know his name. don’t even know his age too. he seemed to be around my age? And because we always saw him but not knowing his name, I just came up with one. “Akim.” I said to my friend. akim is a celebrity here in Malaysia. 

this is the real Akim, the malaysian artist. 

Akim and this ‘akim’ clone, they have same features, maybe? I think so. this guy is much taller. fairer skin? With a longer hair. A bit. he looks good to me. hahahaha but none of my friends thought the same. but then since we’ve been seeing him a lot, that name stuck. And we’ve met eyes quite a few times. I caught him smiling at me too, well I’m not really sure but I think so. he smiled shyly though. Heheehhe I know I blushed like hell each time I saw him, so there’s no doubt about it. lol and I always be this giddy like seriously giddy when I saw him.

And the fact that one of his friend acted like this evil step mother, which one of mines acted the same too, so me and this Akim guy got into the same situation. My friend would stare at him like she’s going to eat the hell of him and his friend would do the same to me. which of course I won’t be bug by it.

There’s one time where this one narrow hallway near our café opened up a small, temporary accessories stall. I was about to go and take a look with my friends and right at the exact moment, he popped in front of me! I didn’t see him at all and suddenly he’s there. and because it’s crowded due to the stall, I tell you, it was like a loongggg moment. he just stood there in front of me and I could do nothing but to look away. of course I grinned like an idiot. And he too was like blushing all the way. And! I was standing on a very small divider. If someone actually knocked me, I would ended up hugging him. but thank God that didn’t happen! Wait! What if that happened? Heheheeheheh

There’s even one time where we had a midterm. A 2hour paper. While waiting before going into this exam hall, I saw him. I thought he just wanna bug his friends or something. Then when I went in, trying to look for my friend behind, I saw the ‘step mother’. My mind was like ‘he’s here!’ when I turned back my head, 45 degrees to the right, he’s there! for God’s sake, he’s there! I’m not sure If he saw me but for the first 30mins, I just looked at him. I didn’t even open my question paper, if I’m not mistaken. But thank God he left after that 30mins, busted~ he didn’t know how to answer his paper! Haahahahahah since I knew that the hall mixed with other courses, I think he’s a business student?

Then day by day, it’s the same. I saw him a few times in my apartment premise, maybe he lived here too. but then I didn’t saw him anymore. I saw him with a girl, like quarrelling? My face showed how I was downed by that. he saw it too, he looked at me but I looked away. that I confirmed because I was walking near the place they quarreled.

Then, I’ve began to hardly see him. once every semester? And then that’s it. but I managed to see him gaining and losing weight a few times. and then last semester, somehow I saw him at another apartment  next to mine while sending a friend of mine there. truth is, I thought I’ve forgotten about him. never really take him serious though, even before. I just thought of him as someone cute. A cutie, for my eyes’ pleasure. That’s all. of course I blushed or giddy or sad when I saw him do this and that but it never really stick in my mind nor my heart. I was surprised when I saw him that night. I was as giddy as I was before.

Having a small crisis with this friend of mine that acted like stepmother, let’s call her A, she told B, another friend of mine to tell me something. This happened umm august last year? umm A said that she went to the Starbucks, at the city, and there’s Akim, working there. she found the name was ‘A….’. so the only thing that’s right was his name started with A. lol so then A told B that Akim, being cashier, flirted with her, or something. Attempted to flirt. I guess? I don’t know. B told me all these. I was at first shocked but then it was just for a second that I turned into sad and in split second I didn’t feel a thing. Because I know I don’t have any feelings for him. then I thought maybe I was jealous. That I wanna see him doing that to me. but then, I thought “What the heck.” Maybe because of the crisis, I didn’t even bothered by this guy. and I didn’t really wavered by the story. It could be untrue, right?

This semester.

Let’s just say, I saw him quite a few times. I saw him going to class, that he’s lost. It’s funny that he didn’t even know where his class was. We met eyes for a moment before I looked away. then I looked back, he was opening every door to check if it’s his class. Lol cutie poop!

Oh yes! There’s one time after night class, me and the girls went to this restaurant. Since we went by separate cars, me and one friend arrived first. We sat there and talked. And then! I saw the step mother! I was shocked. His table was in front of ours. Positively thinking, I thought Akim won’t be there. as soon as the second car arrived, I said to my friend, B, “hey, step mother is here!” and B slyly said “he’s here too, Akim’s here.” I was like WHAT? B was like “you didn’t see him? he’s there.” she gave me the position and God damn! He’s there! he’s already blushed, smiled when I saw him. God~ seriously. You guys wanna know what? Never once I look good in front of him. he always saw me wearing t-shirt and ripped jeans. Never once he saw me looking at least better. But I don’t really care. Since I knew his existence there, I can’t stop smiling. Oh and the step mother even stood up and changed his seat, sitting next to him. I guess he wanna protect him from me? LOL and then, suddenly he, plus a friend, got up and went to pay. And then they walked away. suddenly I saw them in this car, the same car as mine but his was white and mine’s black. I was like ‘omg~’ lol he drove it too, so it’s totally his car. Omg~ hahahaha

And then~ yes! I was coming out from a convenient shop in my campus, and when I looked to the right, he’s there. we’re drinking water bottle at the same time. good thing I didn’t spill any. But he was about to. LOL I quickly looked to the left and get moving. I was walking like a robot, it was hell of embarrassing but I just gotta run. And I don’t know why this misfortune happened but a senior of mine called out my name. 3 TIMES! I just gotta make a u turn and walked to her. good thing I was wearing earphones, so that thing became an excellent excuse. My peripheral saw he walked to the other end, having a lost face. lol like he just saw a ghost. Lol

But! But! But! Buuuuttttt!

There’s a very recent event happened to me. last Friday, I went for lunch/dinner and shopping with my friend/neighbor. Let’s call her S. when we’re eating, she suddenly raised the topic of love. and then we remembered that Akim worked at the Starbucks at that  mall. Since we didn’t know how true was the previous story from B, S told me to give it a try. I too wanted to buy Frappe there so yeah, what the hell right? Consider it to be authentication test too. lol so after we ate, shopped, the moment came. It was funny. Lol we went to the Starbucks, stood there at the door and looked. “He’s not there.” I said. but S asked if I wanna still go and buy that Frappe. As I was about to say yes, he popped from I don’t even know where, standing at the counter. I cant even remember my expression but I know I was shocked. Went to the counter, he pushed his to the side and acted like he’s counting the coins! Another person became my cashier. But because I was already shocked, I became speechless. It’s so obvious, about me being speechless and him, suddenly became coin counter. Hahahahah he was standing, bending his body that I thought his nose can even reach the table. Lol he didn’t even lift his face but he was there, next to my cashier. His friend stuck on his right side. lol pity you, dude. And you guys know what? The cashier asked for my name, so I gave it. she said it wrongly, not once, not twice but 5 times! 5 times I had to repeat my name! damn! I bet he could already memorized my name by then. Damn~ God knows how embarrassed I was. As soon as I’ve paid, I went to S and said “Just kill me. please.” She was like smirking and just went with my flow. I took that frappe and with happiness I sipped it. I took a glance, he’s still there, bending, counting the coins. LOL when we wanna go out, the friend was extremely chirpy said “Thank you!!” and the others said but with normal tone. But him, I saw him stood up and looked but didn’t say anything. oh yes, I just gave a kitty grin to him and the friend since I can’t even look at him. my eyes was extremely small, crescent, while I was slurping that drink. We walked out and me and S were laughing. S said she stared at him all the way. He didn’t even lift his face even once. He was so focused on counting/arranging the coins. LOL

OH! i'm missing the most important fact! he's wearing a santa hat! he looked fucking adorable!!!!!!!!!!

his side profile while counting the money, almost looked like the real Akim.

Truth of matter is I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t think I can face him anymore, in campus. I mean after the Starbucks incident. But I put a lot of thinking about it. I mean, if he didn’t have any feelings for me, he could just attend me as my cashier and me being his customer. Right? and what’s with the sudden coin counting? LOL but then, when I think about it again, it could be that he likes one of my friends? but since I’m the who look at him a lot, he became shy? I don’t know. I don’t know what the real thing here is anymore! lol drama~ lol but he seriously got me confused by his acts. That’s it.

Oh wait, have I mentioned what I like about this guy? because he’s mysterious. Right until now, I just now his name, the car that he drove but without the plat number and I think I know where he lived. That’s it. I’ve never talk to him. but I want to. And the fact I think he’s cute, his smile is cute. I like the way he smiles, he looks like a kid when he smiles. He has this bright, chirpy face, I like that. and he’s the typical criteria (appearance wise) I wanted – tall, fair skinned and almost-crescent eyes. But the curiosity of wanting to know more about him attracts me. and to think that I’ve been doing this for 3 years, maybe, I think it’s amazing. Lol I mean I don’t really have feelings for him, why am I so curios? Right? 

The fact that next semester, I’ll be taking leave since there’s no subjects for me to take. I have to wait for 4 months for the another sem. I don’t know if he would still be there. I hope so, he would be there. but when I think about it could my last time seeing him. at some point, I’m a bit sad. But then, it’s not something that’s easy to solve. I mean I’m not bold enough to walk up to him and say it straight to his face “Can we be friends?” I’m not that bold. But I wanna try and talk to him, just once. But I think it’s impossible. And to hope for him to suddenly do that, talk to me would be a miracle. So yeah. I guess, if it is to be the last I see him, then I think I’m happy. at least I manage to know his real name, like the one my friend said. I’ll try to be satisfied by it. but I wish to know more and talk to him. Well, that I gonna leave it to God to give me that. who knows if I got to be friend with him, right? hehehehe ah! Impossible!

Oh I told mom about him, just some bits. Mom named him as mike mizanin. You know, the miz from wwe? Hahahahah she said the real Akim looked like Mizanin. So this cloned Akim should be looking like one. LOL 

the miz. 

Can I just laugh? Hahahahahaha it’s been a while since I actually write something here. and I wrote this? hahahaha hell yeah it’s funny, at least for me it is. hahahahah

So now tell me, what is this? crush? Like? Or love? I think it’s just crush. But since last Friday, I’m still smiling, until now I am. And when I hear B1A4 – hey girl, I thought of him. so I made that song official when I think of him. lol I’m so loose in the head. Sigh. Wish to see that smile of his one more time. lol I’ve been wishing too much. I don’t think God gonna grant any of these silly desires of mine. Whatever. as long as that can keep me smiling, I’ll be wishing even more.

and please tell me what to do? give me suggestions!!

p/s : I should be sleeping. Got another 2 hours before I really have to get up for class. oh when i look back at these pictures, miz sure have the same smile as the real Akim. not the one i have crushed on. but the cloned Akim seemed to have the same smile too, i think? LOL