i'm back, back again

Hey what is up you guys! So it's been i don't know? 3 years of hiatus? I feel bad, seriously, for ditching this blog. I loved it. It's like my little diary which happens to be public and for everyone to read. Lol why did i even stop? I can't even remember it myself.

About a few weeks ago, i suddenly opened this blog again and i said to myself "you know what? Imma start writing again! Now that i am free and wiser and after many things that have happened. I finally got a reason to write again!" And so i did.

So this post is more or less like an update. When i say update, it's gonna be a super duper long one. Worth the 3 missing years! Lol maybe not.

So let's start of with yours truly. I have finally graduated in 2015. Started pupillage/chambering in January 2016. Had my convocation somewhere in September 2016. Called to the bar 2 days before Xmas of the same year. Started practicing January this year. The journey was tough, but I'm glad that i got them done. I managed to hang on. To keep moving. Despite all the breakdowns, the frustration, the anger etc I'm pretty much alive and well. Never leave my emo being though. Still emo as ever. Still having this little black emo heart in this soulless shell named body. But i feel wiser now. More mature. Though at times i feel dead inside. I realised that i have more responsibilities, more feelings to be taken care of. Even more so concealing my feelings, more than ever, if that is even possible. Since I'm living back with my parents. My emotions are pretty much happy and bright on the outside. At times i feel dark and sorrow on the inside but it's fine. It's normal. It's just a feeling after all. It will pass. Right? Sigh. 

Oh yeah, despite hating law course, i think I'm doing good being a lawyer, pretty much. Lol thanks to my mom for helping me with basically everything. Trust me, no one cares about me in the office and can only lean on my mom to learn things, at home. Which she will give me lectures and tutorials on how to deal with this and that. That, i will vent in my other future posts. But I'm thankful, clearly because my mom is here to teach me everything. Tak la terkontang sangat. but i know many people got it worse. so i'm basically thankful for that.

Also, i did give some thoughts about furthering studies. Now that i have the civil license, I thought of having the syarie one as well. But to have that i gotta go and take a diploma for it. I'm planning to do so next year. And i have this future planning of maybe taking another diploma in business or psychology after that. I love to study, but i wanna do something that i like this time. Or at least beneficial for my future. My parents are super supportive when regards to this. Mom said better to do it when you're still single. True that. We shall see what the future holds for me.

On to my family. My dearest, beloved grandmother passed away mid January this year. We kinda already seen it coming. I was hoping she could go for another year or two. But at least i managed to make her proud and happy during her last days. I managed to be admitted as a lawyer before she died and i just couldn't describe how happy i made her when i said i finally became a lawyer. At the time, i knew, she wasn't there anymore. Her soul wasn't probably there anymore. She was in her 44 days period before death. But surprisingly she looked at me, smiled ever so softly while laying motionless on her bed when i told her the good news. I was the one who saw her taking her final breath too. Man, I'm writing this in massage parlour while getting my feet massage and i feel like tearing up. Not cool. Lol but will write about this up in another post. But i missed her ever so much. I can't even describe it. Semoga doa aku sampai, that's all. Deep breath. 

My parents, well they remained the same. Mom, she's getting older, i can feel that. I'm scared. I truly am. She's getting tired. And i still act like a baby around her. Which is opposed to what i should do, that is helping her. I tried to help her financially, I became her personal driver, personal bag carrier. Lol but I'm trying my best. My father, well he, after about 2months my grandmother died, he got a heart attack. Which almost cost his life. At the time, actually we're still recovering from my grandmother's death, we were so scared that we would lose him too. It's just unbearable. Doctors required stands (the spring thingy) to be inserted and now he's getting better. Well he tends to act tough but we all know he's being pretentious. At night he would sit down, trying to calm himself. His asthma isn't helping either. But still, he's getting better. Day by day it's getting harder for me to just leave them, especially when it's just me and parents living in this house. I just don't wanna regret anything. After the death of my grandmother, it's just freaking me out. Everything. I just don't wanna lose anyone but i know I can't control anything. But at least I don't wanna regret anything. Uhhh. Fml. 

My brother, my dear ol brother. He got married. Got a year old son. Soon to be another one popping out the oven. My mom babysits the boy from noon to maghrib as my brother basically moved out now. As much as i hate kids, especially when they scream and cry, this kid grew on me. I mean he wants my parents and me more than his parents. Like how is that possible. The kid kinda scared of me but like he likes to tease me a lot. They all said maybe he sees me as someone of his age so he likes to play with me, like a lot. Thanks to his hyper ness i don't even need to go to gym and just chase him around. Thanks kid. I dont say i super love him, but yeah, it's bearable. At times he clings to me too much. So annoying. But yeah wtv.  He called me "D" too? like from Wee to B to D? my mom said it could like 'darling'? coz he always called it me out like in a very soft manner. like "d~~" so he's kinda like my mom's bff and like idk my boyfriend. lol you're good kid, you're good.

Love life? Alone as ever. Still in my dream world full of cuties, bass players, handsome daddies lol when i think about it, I didn't even make an effort to find someone like real person in like 5 years. None approached me either. Again, like i said to myself and to everyone, "lelaki melayu/malaysia suka bihun". What do you mean bihun? Putih, kurus. And i'm like udon right here tqvm. Lol mom be like "go find a mat salleh lah. Like finn balor ke." Finn balor is a wwe wrestler btw and super hot. And an irish man too! yums! Lol on a serious note, i've been thinking about other things too much that i tend to brush this topic off. Like for some reasons i just wanna keep dreaming, as it would hurt less. But one thing fer sure, i want a husband and not just boyfriend. Stability is my priority. Ya know what i mean? Besides, I've hit passed the 'i want a bf!' period like long ago. Soon to be 26, so i should at least think of stability. Right? Wrong? Lol wtv man. But right now, parents is my no 1 priority. 

Well this isn't as long as i expected to be. But maybe I'll write in a much detail manner in another posts. Depends on my kerajinan though.

Oh yeah! Before i end this post, me and min have a youtube channel together! Click on this link https://m.youtube.com/channel/UCbIKrryhO8e_CurASFbGxZw to check us out!

Fin

P/s: #nowlistening - cancer by mcr. Fuck.

also this was written like last 2 weeks. lol #stillprocrastinatingthings

is it a crush? like? or love?

I was hit with this question, a few days ago, by a friend of mine about a guy.

How should I write this?

Okay, let’s start with who is this guy I’m talking about. Truth is, I don’t know him. I never knew him. I umm how umm. I don’t really know how to put it in words. Okay umm. Last 2 years? Maybe 3 years ago, me and my friends, the breaks in between classes, we used to just hang out at the cafeteria in our campus. So umm one day, *omg this feels like a story telling tale or whatever you wanna call it as! Lol*, one day, we went up to that café *yes, it’s on the 2^nd floor of the block* and went to find a table. So got the nearest from the route we came from. we sat there, chit chatting, as usual. And then, a group of guys caught by my pervy eyes. Lol they’re sitting near a pillar, a few rows difference.

And then I said to my friends “hey, that guy looks cute.”

Normal, right?

The abnormal part was that, each and every time/every day that we went to the café, the guy and his friends were always there. same seat. Same table. And we’re sitting on the same place too. since we pretty much sure that he’s not from our course, so we don’t actually know his name. don’t even know his age too. he seemed to be around my age? And because we always saw him but not knowing his name, I just came up with one. “Akim.” I said to my friend. akim is a celebrity here in Malaysia. 

this is the real Akim, the malaysian artist. 

Akim and this ‘akim’ clone, they have same features, maybe? I think so. this guy is much taller. fairer skin? With a longer hair. A bit. he looks good to me. hahahaha but none of my friends thought the same. but then since we’ve been seeing him a lot, that name stuck. And we’ve met eyes quite a few times. I caught him smiling at me too, well I’m not really sure but I think so. he smiled shyly though. Heheehhe I know I blushed like hell each time I saw him, so there’s no doubt about it. lol and I always be this giddy like seriously giddy when I saw him.

And the fact that one of his friend acted like this evil step mother, which one of mines acted the same too, so me and this Akim guy got into the same situation. My friend would stare at him like she’s going to eat the hell of him and his friend would do the same to me. which of course I won’t be bug by it.

There’s one time where this one narrow hallway near our café opened up a small, temporary accessories stall. I was about to go and take a look with my friends and right at the exact moment, he popped in front of me! I didn’t see him at all and suddenly he’s there. and because it’s crowded due to the stall, I tell you, it was like a loongggg moment. he just stood there in front of me and I could do nothing but to look away. of course I grinned like an idiot. And he too was like blushing all the way. And! I was standing on a very small divider. If someone actually knocked me, I would ended up hugging him. but thank God that didn’t happen! Wait! What if that happened? Heheheeheheh

There’s even one time where we had a midterm. A 2hour paper. While waiting before going into this exam hall, I saw him. I thought he just wanna bug his friends or something. Then when I went in, trying to look for my friend behind, I saw the ‘step mother’. My mind was like ‘he’s here!’ when I turned back my head, 45 degrees to the right, he’s there! for God’s sake, he’s there! I’m not sure If he saw me but for the first 30mins, I just looked at him. I didn’t even open my question paper, if I’m not mistaken. But thank God he left after that 30mins, busted~ he didn’t know how to answer his paper! Haahahahahah since I knew that the hall mixed with other courses, I think he’s a business student?

Then day by day, it’s the same. I saw him a few times in my apartment premise, maybe he lived here too. but then I didn’t saw him anymore. I saw him with a girl, like quarrelling? My face showed how I was downed by that. he saw it too, he looked at me but I looked away. that I confirmed because I was walking near the place they quarreled.

Then, I’ve began to hardly see him. once every semester? And then that’s it. but I managed to see him gaining and losing weight a few times. and then last semester, somehow I saw him at another apartment  next to mine while sending a friend of mine there. truth is, I thought I’ve forgotten about him. never really take him serious though, even before. I just thought of him as someone cute. A cutie, for my eyes’ pleasure. That’s all. of course I blushed or giddy or sad when I saw him do this and that but it never really stick in my mind nor my heart. I was surprised when I saw him that night. I was as giddy as I was before.

Having a small crisis with this friend of mine that acted like stepmother, let’s call her A, she told B, another friend of mine to tell me something. This happened umm august last year? umm A said that she went to the Starbucks, at the city, and there’s Akim, working there. she found the name was ‘A….’. so the only thing that’s right was his name started with A. lol so then A told B that Akim, being cashier, flirted with her, or something. Attempted to flirt. I guess? I don’t know. B told me all these. I was at first shocked but then it was just for a second that I turned into sad and in split second I didn’t feel a thing. Because I know I don’t have any feelings for him. then I thought maybe I was jealous. That I wanna see him doing that to me. but then, I thought “What the heck.” Maybe because of the crisis, I didn’t even bothered by this guy. and I didn’t really wavered by the story. It could be untrue, right?

This semester.

Let’s just say, I saw him quite a few times. I saw him going to class, that he’s lost. It’s funny that he didn’t even know where his class was. We met eyes for a moment before I looked away. then I looked back, he was opening every door to check if it’s his class. Lol cutie poop!

Oh yes! There’s one time after night class, me and the girls went to this restaurant. Since we went by separate cars, me and one friend arrived first. We sat there and talked. And then! I saw the step mother! I was shocked. His table was in front of ours. Positively thinking, I thought Akim won’t be there. as soon as the second car arrived, I said to my friend, B, “hey, step mother is here!” and B slyly said “he’s here too, Akim’s here.” I was like WHAT? B was like “you didn’t see him? he’s there.” she gave me the position and God damn! He’s there! he’s already blushed, smiled when I saw him. God~ seriously. You guys wanna know what? Never once I look good in front of him. he always saw me wearing t-shirt and ripped jeans. Never once he saw me looking at least better. But I don’t really care. Since I knew his existence there, I can’t stop smiling. Oh and the step mother even stood up and changed his seat, sitting next to him. I guess he wanna protect him from me? LOL and then, suddenly he, plus a friend, got up and went to pay. And then they walked away. suddenly I saw them in this car, the same car as mine but his was white and mine’s black. I was like ‘omg~’ lol he drove it too, so it’s totally his car. Omg~ hahahaha

And then~ yes! I was coming out from a convenient shop in my campus, and when I looked to the right, he’s there. we’re drinking water bottle at the same time. good thing I didn’t spill any. But he was about to. LOL I quickly looked to the left and get moving. I was walking like a robot, it was hell of embarrassing but I just gotta run. And I don’t know why this misfortune happened but a senior of mine called out my name. 3 TIMES! I just gotta make a u turn and walked to her. good thing I was wearing earphones, so that thing became an excellent excuse. My peripheral saw he walked to the other end, having a lost face. lol like he just saw a ghost. Lol

But! But! But! Buuuuttttt!

There’s a very recent event happened to me. last Friday, I went for lunch/dinner and shopping with my friend/neighbor. Let’s call her S. when we’re eating, she suddenly raised the topic of love. and then we remembered that Akim worked at the Starbucks at that  mall. Since we didn’t know how true was the previous story from B, S told me to give it a try. I too wanted to buy Frappe there so yeah, what the hell right? Consider it to be authentication test too. lol so after we ate, shopped, the moment came. It was funny. Lol we went to the Starbucks, stood there at the door and looked. “He’s not there.” I said. but S asked if I wanna still go and buy that Frappe. As I was about to say yes, he popped from I don’t even know where, standing at the counter. I cant even remember my expression but I know I was shocked. Went to the counter, he pushed his to the side and acted like he’s counting the coins! Another person became my cashier. But because I was already shocked, I became speechless. It’s so obvious, about me being speechless and him, suddenly became coin counter. Hahahahah he was standing, bending his body that I thought his nose can even reach the table. Lol he didn’t even lift his face but he was there, next to my cashier. His friend stuck on his right side. lol pity you, dude. And you guys know what? The cashier asked for my name, so I gave it. she said it wrongly, not once, not twice but 5 times! 5 times I had to repeat my name! damn! I bet he could already memorized my name by then. Damn~ God knows how embarrassed I was. As soon as I’ve paid, I went to S and said “Just kill me. please.” She was like smirking and just went with my flow. I took that frappe and with happiness I sipped it. I took a glance, he’s still there, bending, counting the coins. LOL when we wanna go out, the friend was extremely chirpy said “Thank you!!” and the others said but with normal tone. But him, I saw him stood up and looked but didn’t say anything. oh yes, I just gave a kitty grin to him and the friend since I can’t even look at him. my eyes was extremely small, crescent, while I was slurping that drink. We walked out and me and S were laughing. S said she stared at him all the way. He didn’t even lift his face even once. He was so focused on counting/arranging the coins. LOL

OH! i'm missing the most important fact! he's wearing a santa hat! he looked fucking adorable!!!!!!!!!!

his side profile while counting the money, almost looked like the real Akim.

Truth of matter is I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t think I can face him anymore, in campus. I mean after the Starbucks incident. But I put a lot of thinking about it. I mean, if he didn’t have any feelings for me, he could just attend me as my cashier and me being his customer. Right? and what’s with the sudden coin counting? LOL but then, when I think about it again, it could be that he likes one of my friends? but since I’m the who look at him a lot, he became shy? I don’t know. I don’t know what the real thing here is anymore! lol drama~ lol but he seriously got me confused by his acts. That’s it.

Oh wait, have I mentioned what I like about this guy? because he’s mysterious. Right until now, I just now his name, the car that he drove but without the plat number and I think I know where he lived. That’s it. I’ve never talk to him. but I want to. And the fact I think he’s cute, his smile is cute. I like the way he smiles, he looks like a kid when he smiles. He has this bright, chirpy face, I like that. and he’s the typical criteria (appearance wise) I wanted – tall, fair skinned and almost-crescent eyes. But the curiosity of wanting to know more about him attracts me. and to think that I’ve been doing this for 3 years, maybe, I think it’s amazing. Lol I mean I don’t really have feelings for him, why am I so curios? Right? 

The fact that next semester, I’ll be taking leave since there’s no subjects for me to take. I have to wait for 4 months for the another sem. I don’t know if he would still be there. I hope so, he would be there. but when I think about it could my last time seeing him. at some point, I’m a bit sad. But then, it’s not something that’s easy to solve. I mean I’m not bold enough to walk up to him and say it straight to his face “Can we be friends?” I’m not that bold. But I wanna try and talk to him, just once. But I think it’s impossible. And to hope for him to suddenly do that, talk to me would be a miracle. So yeah. I guess, if it is to be the last I see him, then I think I’m happy. at least I manage to know his real name, like the one my friend said. I’ll try to be satisfied by it. but I wish to know more and talk to him. Well, that I gonna leave it to God to give me that. who knows if I got to be friend with him, right? hehehehe ah! Impossible!

Oh I told mom about him, just some bits. Mom named him as mike mizanin. You know, the miz from wwe? Hahahahah she said the real Akim looked like Mizanin. So this cloned Akim should be looking like one. LOL 

the miz. 

Can I just laugh? Hahahahahaha it’s been a while since I actually write something here. and I wrote this? hahahaha hell yeah it’s funny, at least for me it is. hahahahah

So now tell me, what is this? crush? Like? Or love? I think it’s just crush. But since last Friday, I’m still smiling, until now I am. And when I hear B1A4 – hey girl, I thought of him. so I made that song official when I think of him. lol I’m so loose in the head. Sigh. Wish to see that smile of his one more time. lol I’ve been wishing too much. I don’t think God gonna grant any of these silly desires of mine. Whatever. as long as that can keep me smiling, I’ll be wishing even more.

and please tell me what to do? give me suggestions!!

p/s : I should be sleeping. Got another 2 hours before I really have to get up for class. oh when i look back at these pictures, miz sure have the same smile as the real Akim. not the one i have crushed on. but the cloned Akim seemed to have the same smile too, i think? LOL

halloween, birthday and some ranting

hey people, wassup? oh god, it's been so long since i posted something here. truthfully i have nothing to share to you guys. my life is dull, officially. i'm being serious right now! i mean i didnt get to go for bigbang alive tour. my birthday was like as empty as harry potter's. oh yeah, last halloween was birthday, so happy belated me, again. i even thought that my birth date would be the suckiest date ever but thank God it didn't. ahamdulillah to that. it was this close *showing you the small gap between mi thumb and index finger* to be as suck but yeah, it didn't. and almost got a new headphone as my present, and again, didn't. it was a mess, that day, that whole week that i skipped all the classes within that said week. something terrible happened, that's why. but those who knew, keep it to yourself, okay? i'm talking to you tira. hahahah gonna have to catch up with studies. i'm touched that even the lecturers were asking why did i not attend that week's classes. just said i had fever. i did have a fever but also something else. but it's fine now. everything's alright, i guess.

some things remained the same. i see no changes. some, yes. maybe a bit. but i hope for a better future? hahahah i don't even what i'm saying. it's just 2am for God sake. my mind must be wrecked.

oh yeah, since mom and dad went for outstation on friday night, just left my brother, granny and me. guess what? me and mi ol brother attempted to cook something for granny instead of buying. granny's kinda picky so yeah, it's kinda hard. only mom knows what granny likes. at first, granny wanted banana fritters but then, since my bro said "hey since mom left us with perfect supplies, let's cook! how about good old chicken chop?" and i was like "okay! i'm in!", so he thought of making seafood tempura for granny. granny loves seafood. we asked her first, just in case she might reject that idea. but hell yeah, she said yes! hahaha so me and my bro got ourselves busy in the kitchen. between us two, he's a better cook, much better. i would normally do the prepping and washing. hahaha badabing badabang badaboom! we finished granny's first. i made her favorite drink, coffee to compliment that dinner food. we finished ours soon after and we three ate together. crossing fingers, we asked her how they tasted. oh yeah, we made soft shell crab and calamari tempura. and thank God!! she said they tasted good. she even finished the calamari and keeping the soft shell crab, some of it for tomorrow morning! yay!! but sadly, for our side, the gravy was like not up to our standard, so that's a bit disappointing. but the side dishes were awesome and also the chicken too. hehehe gonna ask mom about the gravy's recipe again. we asked and tried but it didn't work out. sad. hahahah

since mom and dad came home just now, i'm back with happiness and giddiness again! weehuuuu!!! hahahaha gonna do some gossiping tomorrow. can't wait! heheheh


that's all from me.


fin.


p/s : hey you! yes, you! miss me? nyahahahha

boy-what?

well, this is a quick one. they thought TOP IS MY BOYFRIEND yalllsssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why? because i put up this picture as my BB's wallpaper. they said he's handsome, cute. they really believed it. even when i denied it. then i just said, yeah. heheheheheh me likesss. and the fact that the bosses even peeked and thought the same. i think? lol

oh yes, speaking of boyfriend, i got a story to tell. oh this aint gonna be a quick one now. lol yesterday morning, as my brother sent me to the office, he said that "you know what lil sis? i think you should find yourself a boyfriend. he could send and pick you up from work." and i said "better find me a driver if it meant for only driving me here and there." he stood firm to his idea. well, yes, my brother has been my official driver after the parking bays are all expensive here. you want cheap? you have to walk so far away, getting all sweaty before you managed to get to office. oh hell no!! i'm so not gonna do that. since he agreed, he's the one been sending me and picking me up. which i like. lol he even said of telling or suggesting this to mama. normally he would be playing but this time, he really did it. last night, before we four had dinner, he literally suggested that to my mom. mama was backing me up saying that better to get me a driver. mom even said "your dad had 2 PAs who are also his drivers, why don't let one of them or letting them taking turns to send your little sister?" my brother disagreed. "boyfriend is much better, ma." after much arguing, suddenly, mom said something about my brother and having girlfriend. i made an evil face and laughing my ass off at him. lol it didnt end there, sadly. dinner time, he said it again. dad was there at that time. dad was like speechless? he didnt make any comment. just a slight smile to my bro's silliness maybe. i was like 'shut up baffoon!'. but i just said "hey!!!" instead. mom was again, backing me up. thank God. all hail to mama! lol i said to my bro that "it's your obligations as a brother to bring me to wherever i wanna go." he whined at mom. my parents just laughed at that scene. 

and today, i mean this morning, he mentioned about it again. i just ignored him. he laughed hard, trying to pursuade me to find someone. he's been doing so actually, since the first time he told me about his love life. God~ help me~ i wanna live freely and happily~ lol 

listening to drop it like it's hot by snoop dog and pharell. love love LOVE PHARELL!

fin fin fin ~

p/s : top is my boyfriend, for now. just accept that fact, bro. *smirks*

love

love the hat and the guys. what can i say? lol

fin

p/s : me wanna that hat!!

for the first time ever

#np jun. k - alive

Hey yo! it's been a while that i personally wrote something here. a month or so, am i right? so um the topic here. well, it's about me and my elder brother. last sunday, if i'm not mistaken, well my brother sent me a.k.a accompany me back to my dorm in malacca. so we're talking like the usual us. you know, teasing each other and basically being nonsense. one of it was about being a stalker. a few days before that we stalked someone on the internet. someone that our cousin likes or loves? i don't know. but seriously, the guy we stalked, he's a douche bag. simply a jerk. but not to blame on the guy only, my cousin seemed to be ignorant about what the guy's been doing. i guess she's blinded by love or something. and yes, it's the first time we sat together and do something like that together. normally we'll just eat or watch tv or talk about gadgets or gundam or business together. it's weird for us to stalk someone together. well, let's put this story aside. it's not the main point here.

um~ well, me and my brother are not those types that you know, share our stories, especially love stories. we just normally talk nonsense. main purpose, 'laughter that matters'. it doesn't really matter much about the topic we're talking. and we're like, do our own thing but we do went out together and so on. but we're the type that didn't even have each others facebook or twitter or even email. we only have each others' phone number and bbm pin. that's all. in one glance, we're like totally two strangers, not siblings. but actually we are. for us, having each others fb or twitter or any other bullshit is like being nosy about each other. but then again, we're hella close to each other. just that we didn't really like or want to know what each other's doing. we just mutually agreed that 'just don't do something bad, it's good enough.', just like that. and pretty much we're happy that way. 

but then, last sunday, suddenly my brother opened the topic of love. i didn't really know how it started. i think it was when we talked about not being nosy about easy other's life. and then, he talked about his love life. the story didn't really surprise me at all. and then he said something like "it's good we're this type of siblings. sometimes, it's better to keep things to yourself and not for your family to know. and it seems like we're both didn't really interested in each others life. which is good. you don't know how many girlfriends i had in the past and i don't know how many boyfriends you had or having. well, i don't even wanna know about it and i think so do you. just that we know our limitations with our partners, that's good enough. don't go beyond the limit."

i was like 'uhuh. yeah. right.' well, i didn't have even have anyone, never. well, maybe he thought i do. have. many of them? i guess? well, fyi, no. hahahaha and yes, i told him. "i don't have anyone right now and never had one? i don't really think about having one either. i'm just too occupied with my own life right now."

and then he gave me love advises. which it sounded like this, "yeah, it's good because you're still studying. i don't want it to affect you either. but just so you know that, you need one. trust me. i mean there are things that you can't tell your family or friends or even best friends. but you can't hold it to yourself either. so by having a boyfriend, you have a person you can talk to, to cheer you up or even to accompany you to eat. i don't want you to be those that you know, hugging, kissing and all that. that's even against our religion. plus, you're wearing hijab. boyfriend here means that someone that can be your friend, your best friend. someone that can hang out with you. spending time with you, even just for a drink at mamak. just someone that can put away your loneliness. basically someone that can listen to you or be there for you when nobody won't be able to. something like that." plus, he said that by having someone and you hang out with him, it may pull you away from your stress world for while. you could relax and have fun for a bit before you go back to your life.

i was somehow, speechless? i don't know. but what he said is definitely true. i just nodded to everything he said. i know that he knew that i always go out or eat alone here in malacca. and sometimes i went out at night alone which is definitely dangerous. and that i'm pretty much a loner. and many things i just kept into myself. he knows i'm that type of person. he always encourage me to find more friends, not sticking in one or two circles of people only. so maybe he thought that i need a boyfriend because of my life. i kept saying to him that i don't really think about having a relationship with anyone just yet. and i don't really have much male friends like i used to, back in high school. but one thing i wanna say but i didn't was that no one actually look at me. no one actually have interest in me. which is true. i don't know if they don't have the guts or what. 

he told me if i have someone, we need to be considerate to each other. being childish to that guy is fine but not to the extent of annoying him. don't be so much of a crybaby, some guys hate it. guys find it difficult to coax their partners especially when they cry. and don't be too independent or too dependent. most importantly, just be true to yourself and to the guy. i think, he's trying to say that i need an almost matured relationship? well, the motive is one, he encouraged me to have someone. maybe because i'm gonna be 20 soon and i'm still like this. alone? isolated? ignorant? he told me what guys usually like about girls. like some guys like him preferred girls without makeup. natural look, couple with simple dressing is cool enough. it's like you're beautiful the way you are. you don't have to be so girlish to attract a guy. just be yourself. the guy needs to like you of who you are and not what he wants you to be.  

he's totally acting like a mother? father? yeah, he's acting like a brother, a good one. and i thank God for having him as my brother. he also did say that he's been wanting to talk about this matter, his love matter and this general love thingy to me. but he can't really find the right time. i think he's afraid that i'll flinched or maybe i'm gonna report this to mama. which i won't. why would i? hahahaah i told him that i don't really mind about him, telling me and advising me about this. i'm cool with that. it's actually an eye opener for me. the funny thing is it went on until we hung out for a while to the moment i went to my dorm. he seemed to be promoting about having a relationship to me through the whole journey, that at one point it was so awkward that we both went silent for quite a moment. 

somehow he managed to convince me. because last few days, i got myself thinking about this matter. and looking at my surroundings, i think maybe i do need someone. but i don't really know how to get that 'someone'. i don't even have the experience. and i'm not like others. i'm not beautiful. i'm not social queen. and sometimes i think i'm invisible. i'm serious. i do sometimes think that i'm invisible. and guys nowadays are all about trendy girls and having fun. i'm opposite of all that. i think i'm conventional. yeah. which i don't think guys would like that. right now, i think i just go with the flow. which again, ignoring everything that's around me and just being alone. hahahaha i don't know. up until today, no one dares to approach me. maybe i'm unapproachable. maybe i look vain. maybe i look weird. i don't know. and let's not think about this anymore. if there's anyone who wants to approach me, be my guest. i like having friends. but boyfriend, i don't know.

well, lets pray for the day that i'll get someone. which will not be soon. or even in another years coming. whatever.

fin

p/s : maybe God's gonna give me TOP or Taecyeon. it's definitely worth waiting if it'd those two. hahahaha 

Jun.K - Alive (Translation)

Ah Love is in the sky
I feel so alive tonight (alive tonight)
Whatever I do, you know wherever I go
I’m feelin' so Alive

This is this is this is this is What?
This is this is this is this is Who?
This is this is this is this is Huh?
This is this is this is this is

N O L O V E baby that's me
In front of you, I don't even blink
Call me J to the UN, K to the AY
They ask me, "how you get so fly"
I run my city that's on my fitty
Even if you gather kids who party hard, they're all the same
My hometown is Daegu - call me a gentleman, thank you
Whatever- leave him out and send it as a package
Go go go I’m getting it down
Shorty go low low low on this burning night
My shoulders are moving up and down toward you
My voice burns a fire in your heart
Don't think that you are dead- feelin alive
It's the truth that everyone alredy knows - killin it down
Look at me now (now) I'm stronger than anything
Don't forget, remember me - the moment when I moved you

Ah Love is in the sky
I feel so alive tonight (alive tonight)
Whatever I do, you know wherever I go
I’m feelin' so

* Alive Alive Alive
(You know whatchu gotta do
Throw your hands in the air if you feel it too)
Alive Alive Alive
(You know whatchu gotta do
Throw your hands in the air if you feel it too)

If you still don't know girls very well
If you still go crazy over love
Just say the words "no love" and freeze
Repeating this will just be like nagging

What do you know- even if I tell you, only you won't know
Give me back all the wasted time - try making fun of me again
You don't really really know about my style
I'm different than before- look at me right now
Look at me right now - someone look at me
Hair done yeah son everything good
Ha yea burn it up right now
I have nothing else to be afraid of now
Ha yea blow it up right now
For a new me, because I'm

* repeat

Baby I wanna say, even when I'm in a bright place, I can't see the light
When this night passes and the darkness stops
Baby I'm alive - I'm alive and breathing

I’m Feelin' so Alive Alive Alive
(You know whatchu gotta do
Throw your hands in the air if you feel it too)
Alive Alive Alive
I’m feelin' so Alive

Read more: Jun.K (Junsu of 2pm) Alive Translation Lyrics | InfoTaip 
via infotaip.blogspot.com 

currently in love, addicted with this song. especially the melody. for me, this song is kinda cool. the concept pictures was something like TOP's Turn It Up but it's different though. it got the 'Junsu style'. and he looks hotter this time but he can't win over TOP though. hehehe sorry~ anyways, go Junsu! lol 




fin




p/s : You know whatchu gotta do, throw your hands in the air if you feel it too!

reminiscent over you

suddenly, when i saw a picture of kim rae won, it reminds me of you..well, i always said to myself that you looked like him..that time, of course..it's been like what? 10 years? but you're skin wasn't as dark as his..you're thinner..but i think you have the same smile as his..sadly, i've never have a picture of you..so whenever i saw kim rae won's, i'll remember you..there's one time, i forgot who got the same face with you, i google-d it day and night, for days..when i got the answer, rae won that is, it stays in my mind..sticking like glue..i dont know if others would agree, but you're my malay version of rae won..the smile, pretty much similar..the teeth was somehow different, i guess..rae won's teeth's bigger..and the eyes were even similar..small eyes that is..hehehe i remember how nizam tried to match us up in every of that religious class..hahahah but we're more advanced than him.. every time, we would wear the same colour or pattern..oh i cant forget that time when nizam said that we're back from mosque, got married..hahahah coz you're wearing baju melayu and i was wearing baju kurung..and we went up to the room together..with smiles plastered on our face..though the real fact that you're teasing me, and i managed to tease you back and we end up laughing..i denied about us so much right? though both you and i knew and acted like we're so much more..and..nizam, your silly old brother never gave up..he'll always find a way to make us a couple..cupid much? lol

i always thought you guys are gentlemen..i mean, you guys always waited for me until my brother came up to pick me since the class ended up late at night..im so thankful for that..after making sure it's the right car,  i went inside it, you guys would then walked home peacefully, saying "we'll see you again tomorrow, bye!"..nizam once said "bye sis-in-law!" lol! we three the only ones that were above 10 years old..lol of coz nizam was much older..hahaha the kids were totally blur with us three..hahaha i remember when you and me will sit next to each other (so close) at the bench outside, near the playground spot within the house watching the kids running.. and nizam, which at first were with us and suddenly disappeared through thin air..chasing (or bullying?) the kids..and definitely the time when you said you wanna have a look at my mobile phone..text pictures to be exact..and i accidentally opened 'i love you' and 'i miss you' etc it was very embarrassing..you blushed too..hahahah and i kept on explaining that i just got it from my brother, all those text pictures were his and so on..and you just nod and smile..both of us were too shy..nizam made cheshire smile, i saw it..hahahah but yeah, under the moonlight, it's kinda romantic..heheheh well, i dont know..nizam used to say, many times, that you liked me but you're just too shy or ego or something..and he said he even blessed our relationship which there wasnt any relationship at all..hahahah he said we're meant to be together, bla3..he persuaded me even in front of you every night..and i would just laughed it off..saying it isnt true..and you would do the same but we both blushed..so hard..changing the topics..and so on..good times, right?

now, i realized how many times my ablution was annulled! it's all coz of you! hahahah when we touched, pulled each others hand, slapped, etc i didnt know that time, forgive me Ya Allah..and whenever we sat on the same table, which we always did, we would fight, encouraged by nizam as he said that's love,we would ended up got punish together to another same table..hahahah even the teacher thought we had something! hahahah the kids approved too..hahahaha funny! oh2! oh shit! i remembered something! our feet..urmm..hahahahah since you're tall, you got long legs..and it always brushes with mine..dang! lol well, sometimes you playfully reached your feet to mine..i would just stepped on it or kick it..but sometimes i did the otherwise..well..urmm..oh God! hahahah omg! now i realized, even that time, we weren't that much of innocence eh? hahahah and we're like just 10? and that's not even including the times of other things that we didnt realize we did..im speechless now..ahahah 

hey! i remembered there's one time, i was in the car, my brother went to see his friend on the opposite house..i watched as you and nizam walking further..i remember this scene in this bollywood movie..so i said to myself, "if he really likes me, he'll turn his face and smile at me.." i merely said it, didnt put any hopes on that..but i dont know if im lucky or what, i was shocked that you actually turned, smiled, and waved! you smiled so brightly in the darkness of the night..in the current situation, i dont know if my eyes should hurt or my heart..but that time, i was so ecstatic and high..i waved back, smiling like a monkey..i watched as you walked further and farther away..it was one of the best moments i've had in my life and i'm gonna remember it the rest of my life..even when my brother went inside the car, talked to me, i wasnt really paying any attention..i was so high..hahahah if only you knew about this..you would be laughing and teasing me..but at the same time you would blushed..i think..

but i still love the text pictures situation..it's like a confession, right? i cant remember everything well but i think you did held my hand before you took my phone away and play with it..and i was shy, i just looked away..omg..i cant believe i did all these! lol why are these memories flash before my eyes now? lol come on,  we never see each other after i left so suddenly and i dont even know why i did that..but the last thing happened was, there's a girl, a friend of mine i guess, liked you, saying you're handsome, cute and so on..she's gonna try you..you never seem to have interest in her..i'm not sure but i think it shows..clearly on your face..(it reminds me on taeyang's only look at me) nizam was the one who liked her..i remember i helped nizam to get her but at the same time listened to her liking you..and after that, im gone..i dont even know what happened then..sorry to let you go like that, i know, it's my fault..maybe she was eager on getting you but she didnt know about us since she was new, that time..you seemed annoyed with her too..right? or it's just me thinking that way? but it did shown on your face..hopefully i was right..

talking about blessings, even your little sister blessed us..it's funny..she interrogated me and even asked us to be together..hahahha 

well, sometimes i do wish we could meet again, at least become friends..but i dont think we would recognize each other..after these long years..it's too long..things have changed..many..maybe you're not the same anymore..you are my first crush..(right? or s it first love? i dont now the difference..)but i really wish i could meet you and become friends..just friends is enough for me..though i know you would probably had forgotten me years ago..maybe even be with her or anyone else..i just, wanna, see you and recognize it's you and the same on your part..would it be possible? i dont know..if you turn into the exact kim rae won, maybe i would recognize it's you..lol but again, sorry to leave just like that..im very sorry..

he looks like you.

#np cnblue - love revolution




fin




p/s : because the day we wore green, it's said, we got married..




I want you in my life (in the castle, in the air)
I want you kiss me everyday (I take your hand, my dear)
I want you in my life (I don't want you fly away)
I want you smiling at me everyday (You're my dreaming days)
If your love won't stay with me forever
I'll be loving you, whenever
You in my life (tell me everything's alright)
I wanna be your shining light, Forever

a light shining through the darkness..

last night, while i was studying for my final exam for this 3rd sem, i was bored..so i browsed through my playlist..suddenly i found this song..

ok..im not sure if it's hum kar leng or hum ga ling but in my playlist, it says hum ga ling..it's from lazy mutha fucka @ lmf..hum ga ling itself means "curse your family will go to hell"..something like that..hahaha well, dont think i listen to these kinda songs? you're wrong! im kinda cool with it..hahahah ok so..while listening to this, suddenly i thought of something..ok, my mom used to tell me to find a guy like this..

the name is ashraf muslim..well my mom would prefer me marrying a guy like this..well, he's quite handsome and somehow pious..and young..mothers like these types right? hahaha well, last night, listening to hum ga ling which obviously involved 24 hrs of cursing and suddenly i thought of a marriage with a handsome young pious guy..isnt it contravened and messed up? 

ok well, 1stly, i dont have anyone and i dont know when i'll be having one..i think the day i'm married to someone is the day i have myself a someone..hahaha 2ndly, im like this, i mean the songs i listen to is enough to show my personality which is so emo and loner..hahahah not loner but i prefer to be alone..like living in a solitude, not wanting to be disturbed or annoyed..3rd, i dont think i could find a guy of this pious type but understand and accept my personality that is like this *pointing oneself*..well maybe there are guys like that but it's hard to find..

oh yeah..while thinking bout these, ida texted me so i told her bout these..she asked me stop listening to the song..hahahaha and she said i could find this type of guys but they wont be like me who never been in a relationship before..sad isn't it? but i dont give a damn bout it..hahahah i see myself as taeyang..so pure and innocent..ok lies..hahaha except for the fact that he kissed a girl before..or is it the other way around? hahaahah and i dont..except for pillow and teddies..hahaha but the point is, i've never been into any relationship and i wanted a guy who's the same..but come on..like ida said, is there a guy like that now? hahaha i know..there isnt..this 'pure' type, like yours truly, is in danger of extinction..hahaha well, im still standing strong and alive..right? hahahah and ida said, TOP is no then..well, TOP is different, i'll love him forever..hahaha he's special..and again ida, he's not a toy, i love him, his my boo..hahahaah omg! if the real TOP read this, i swear he's gonna laugh at me so hard or he'd just ignore? well, im gonna blushed so hard till my face turn crimson..hahahaah

nonetheless, im gonna tell mama about this..i bet she'll gonna laugh at me too..but i dont care..hahaha it's for fun anyway..if it meant to be, i mean me, to marry a guy that's pious, young and handsome, i dont know..im gonna be a different person? naaah~~ hahahah if it's the other way around, marrying someone like TOP, i'm gonna turn into someone else too..right?? i dont know..hahaah again, if the REAL TOP read this, not just this, every other entries about him and eventually say something or comment, im gonna hide myself!!! in the closet, under the bed, anywhere!! hahahahahhaha which i know, even in 1000 yrs it wont come true and that i thank God..hahaahah

#nowlistening : the devil wears prada - dogs can grow beards all over

fin

p/s : keep dreaming sista! ya aint gonna got what ya wished for!!

confess

i guess it's not something that is easy to do, right? 

to say that you love someone, directly, face to face, is very complicated and painful, isn't it? 

to express it with all your might that you love that person, that you have been loving that person wholeheartedly even you yourself did not realize when exactly you started to like that one person, is definitely a difficult task. 

to even notice that you really like that person, until someone tells you that you do.

 to do anything to hide your feelings so long that you would not have to confess. 

to get caught that you love that person, by that person himself or herself or even by other people. 

it is all so painful. 

to just watch that person but you can do nothing.

it's so near that you can almost touch it.

but you cant. 

that person is getting away, but you can do nothing about it.

or manage to grab that person but it doesn't last that long.

that person slips away.

that you are willing to do anything for that one person, to sacrifice even to the most impossible thing, with impossible outcome. 

even to the extent of exchanging your life for the sake of that person to live forever, to see that person live his/her life happily. 

to think that it's the best way to confess. 

to let that person be happy with someone else as you think that's the best way to convey your message.

rather to endure it as friends just to not feel ashame or fear of not getting the right answer. 

to just keep it to yourself, seeing through the shadow, far from the eyesight, since courage doesn't want to play its role properly. 

to be threaten, to be torture just for a confess to be heard. 

it's not just a word play. 

honesty, from the bottom of our heart it shall be. 

to convey the message and hoping that it would not be just a wishful thinking. 

to hope that it will be accepted dearly. 

to hope that it will not be rejected with shame and disorderly. 

the silent death of embarrassment would also be clinging before, during and after a confession. 

the outcome that could differ from the eyes of the confessor. 

but the affections, induce a person to gain the courage to spell the love to that person. 

that courage, isn't something that every human can have, that is, if it is for true, real love.

some could be shameless enough to confess. 

some may be otherwise. 
even wonder how people could do it so slyly.

maybe it's the love.

some could just bury it in their hearts and minds, might as well just throw it away. 

avoiding the unreasonableness of confess and its ending.

though love keeps you wonder about everything.

to explore deeply on that person you love.

trying to decipher that person you like but you still cant get it through with naked eyes. 

even the simplest, most unseen to others, could be seen but not knowing how it stuck it your mind. 

that person manage to make you wonder, even to the weirdest thoughts.

make you find a way to say it to that person but you cant.

 though sometimes you thought that that person should do it first, express it to you.

ego has always been the greatest friend with love and confessing.

to let go the foolish pride is like to peel the skin of the flesh.

but confess is still like its usual.

but the courage to spill it is always different.

forever it would be like this, stick like this, unchangeable.

if.

confess is the last thing you wanna do. 

it shall be a secret, forever it will, your love to that person, that is.

right?

fin


p/s : sorry for the crap. it's just that it makes me wonder how people confess.