Saturday, October 22, 2011

for the first time ever

#np jun. k - alive

Hey yo! it's been a while that i personally wrote something here. a month or so, am i right? so um the topic here. well, it's about me and my elder brother. last sunday, if i'm not mistaken, well my brother sent me a.k.a accompany me back to my dorm in malacca. so we're talking like the usual us. you know, teasing each other and basically being nonsense. one of it was about being a stalker. a few days before that we stalked someone on the internet. someone that our cousin likes or loves? i don't know. but seriously, the guy we stalked, he's a douche bag. simply a jerk. but not to blame on the guy only, my cousin seemed to be ignorant about what the guy's been doing. i guess she's blinded by love or something. and yes, it's the first time we sat together and do something like that together. normally we'll just eat or watch tv or talk about gadgets or gundam or business together. it's weird for us to stalk someone together. well, let's put this story aside. it's not the main point here.

um~ well, me and my brother are not those types that you know, share our stories, especially love stories. we just normally talk nonsense. main purpose, 'laughter that matters'. it doesn't really matter much about the topic we're talking. and we're like, do our own thing but we do went out together and so on. but we're the type that didn't even have each others facebook or twitter or even email. we only have each others' phone number and bbm pin. that's all. in one glance, we're like totally two strangers, not siblings. but actually we are. for us, having each others fb or twitter or any other bullshit is like being nosy about each other. but then again, we're hella close to each other. just that we didn't really like or want to know what each other's doing. we just mutually agreed that 'just don't do something bad, it's good enough.', just like that. and pretty much we're happy that way. 

but then, last sunday, suddenly my brother opened the topic of love. i didn't really know how it started. i think it was when we talked about not being nosy about easy other's life. and then, he talked about his love life. the story didn't really surprise me at all. and then he said something like "it's good we're this type of siblings. sometimes, it's better to keep things to yourself and not for your family to know. and it seems like we're both didn't really interested in each others life. which is good. you don't know how many girlfriends i had in the past and i don't know how many boyfriends you had or having. well, i don't even wanna know about it and i think so do you. just that we know our limitations with our partners, that's good enough. don't go beyond the limit."

i was like 'uhuh. yeah. right.' well, i didn't have even have anyone, never. well, maybe he thought i do. have. many of them? i guess? well, fyi, no. hahahaha and yes, i told him. "i don't have anyone right now and never had one? i don't really think about having one either. i'm just too occupied with my own life right now."

and then he gave me love advises. which it sounded like this, "yeah, it's good because you're still studying. i don't want it to affect you either. but just so you know that, you need one. trust me. i mean there are things that you can't tell your family or friends or even best friends. but you can't hold it to yourself either. so by having a boyfriend, you have a person you can talk to, to cheer you up or even to accompany you to eat. i don't want you to be those that you know, hugging, kissing and all that. that's even against our religion. plus, you're wearing hijab. boyfriend here means that someone that can be your friend, your best friend. someone that can hang out with you. spending time with you, even just for a drink at mamak. just someone that can put away your loneliness. basically someone that can listen to you or be there for you when nobody won't be able to. something like that." plus, he said that by having someone and you hang out with him, it may pull you away from your stress world for while. you could relax and have fun for a bit before you go back to your life.

i was somehow, speechless? i don't know. but what he said is definitely true. i just nodded to everything he said. i know that he knew that i always go out or eat alone here in malacca. and sometimes i went out at night alone which is definitely dangerous. and that i'm pretty much a loner. and many things i just kept into myself. he knows i'm that type of person. he always encourage me to find more friends, not sticking in one or two circles of people only. so maybe he thought that i need a boyfriend because of my life. i kept saying to him that i don't really think about having a relationship with anyone just yet. and i don't really have much male friends like i used to, back in high school. but one thing i wanna say but i didn't was that no one actually look at me. no one actually have interest in me. which is true. i don't know if they don't have the guts or what. 

he told me if i have someone, we need to be considerate to each other. being childish to that guy is fine but not to the extent of annoying him. don't be so much of a crybaby, some guys hate it. guys find it difficult to coax their partners especially when they cry. and don't be too independent or too dependent. most importantly, just be true to yourself and to the guy. i think, he's trying to say that i need an almost matured relationship? well, the motive is one, he encouraged me to have someone. maybe because i'm gonna be 20 soon and i'm still like this. alone? isolated? ignorant? he told me what guys usually like about girls. like some guys like him preferred girls without makeup. natural look, couple with simple dressing is cool enough. it's like you're beautiful the way you are. you don't have to be so girlish to attract a guy. just be yourself. the guy needs to like you of who you are and not what he wants you to be.  

he's totally acting like a mother? father? yeah, he's acting like a brother, a good one. and i thank God for having him as my brother. he also did say that he's been wanting to talk about this matter, his love matter and this general love thingy to me. but he can't really find the right time. i think he's afraid that i'll flinched or maybe i'm gonna report this to mama. which i won't. why would i? hahahaah i told him that i don't really mind about him, telling me and advising me about this. i'm cool with that. it's actually an eye opener for me. the funny thing is it went on until we hung out for a while to the moment i went to my dorm. he seemed to be promoting about having a relationship to me through the whole journey, that at one point it was so awkward that we both went silent for quite a moment. 

somehow he managed to convince me. because last few days, i got myself thinking about this matter. and looking at my surroundings, i think maybe i do need someone. but i don't really know how to get that 'someone'. i don't even have the experience. and i'm not like others. i'm not beautiful. i'm not social queen. and sometimes i think i'm invisible. i'm serious. i do sometimes think that i'm invisible. and guys nowadays are all about trendy girls and having fun. i'm opposite of all that. i think i'm conventional. yeah. which i don't think guys would like that. right now, i think i just go with the flow. which again, ignoring everything that's around me and just being alone. hahahaha i don't know. up until today, no one dares to approach me. maybe i'm unapproachable. maybe i look vain. maybe i look weird. i don't know. and let's not think about this anymore. if there's anyone who wants to approach me, be my guest. i like having friends. but boyfriend, i don't know.

well, lets pray for the day that i'll get someone. which will not be soon. or even in another years coming. whatever.


p/s : maybe God's gonna give me TOP or Taecyeon. it's definitely worth waiting if it'd those two. hahahaha 


Farah Saharudin said...


mandy said...

and which part is it again? lol