Saturday, August 10, 2013

this is what i feel

Hello everyone. It’s been a while isn’t it? well today, I finally got something to write, or I finally able to type something out. And again, it’s an emotional post. I know, everything about me is emotional. Im sorry but that’s the way I am. And I think, this post is like a reminder for me for the future. I don’t know.

This is more like revealing my true feelings than just a mere post. I’ve been holding things up that I think I might be crazy if I keep it even more. At least, this small post might give a small relief. When I say crazy, it’s the real crazy and not just a word to spur.

Before I actually start this revealing and relief session, I wanna apologize to anyone that might be thinking I’m pointing it to them or something. I’m not. even if I do, I just hope you would understand. but, again, I’m sorry.

I don’t really know how to start but lets just say these few months weren’t the best. in fact it might be some of the worsts I experienced. I know, God has created this path so that he could test our patience. but I have to be frank, it’s really unbearable. At some point, I had a breakdown. More than once, I think.

What actually happened to me? well, I won’t go by sequence but I had an accident for the second time, a family problem, study problem, I lost some friends, and I got a disease. The latest was the disease and it hit me hard. really hard. physically, mentally and emotionally. There were other things happened before too. but, I don’t know.

Everything happened within such a short period that I cant actually breath. These events messed me up real good. I remembered when I got into that accident, I even said to a friend of mine that I gave up. I didn’t even know what and why I gave up. I just felt like giving up. I thought I was going crazy, already felt crazy. And I still feel like it. These things happened one after another to the extent that I was thinking “what will happen next?”.

The first few events, I thought I could manage it. I thought I could handle it. I thought I have the power to do. But I knew, I was in the verge of breaking down. but when that disease hit me, I was breaking down like crazy. Truthfully, I’m a person that’s hardly to cry. even if it’s just a tear, it would be like hell to get It out of my eyes. I could only cry if it's related to my family. Or if I really, extremely appreciate something. And I would have this silent cry. But since the breakdown, I can’t stop crying, even to the extent sobbing, grieving etc. I’m not the person im familiar of anymore.  Each and every night, I would cry and reminisce about things I’ve done.  I kept on blaming myself. but I guess no one knew about it. of course they dont. and now you all do.

Oh yeah, you guys must be wondering what disease it was. It’s just hand and foot disease. I know I made it sound like it’s some hell of a disease but trust me, you wont wanna get it. the disease would normally attack kids but I don’t even know why I got this thing. Let me take you back to how it happened.

It was Ramadhan. 2nd day of Ramadhan, if I’m not mistaken. At first, I had fever. It was raining in the morning here and suddenly there’s a news about my study. A bad one. Well at least for me. I can’t graduate this year. I have to extend another year. due to my ignorance, I just blew myself up. everything that I have planned, every single thing, for me and my family, I just blew all of that up, just because of my stupidity and ignorance. It was my mistake. And I don’t even know how to make it up to my family for what I have done. Mom’s supposed to retire next year and now she has to keep working until I finished everything and start working. Dad was expecting me to finish early and help him with his business. and now, I cant do that. I just ruined their expectation. Don’t even mention about my brother and grandma. But truthfully I was even more devastated. I was so disappointed to the point that I don’t know what to do with myself. I became clueless. But I tried to cheer myself up, saying that I could boost my grades and points. But I know, it’s nothing, compared to what everyone really feels. It was my mistake. And I cant take it back. I cant mend it. the only thing I could do is to just finish it. mom said it’s a hassle now since our financial isn’t that good and what I did is making it worst. Dad became speechless. I know it’s my fault and sorry isn’t enough to cover all that. even if I say I would study hard, I know it would not change much. but truly, I’m sorry Mama, Abah. You’ve expected as much but I just ruined everything. Im no good after all.

That night my fever got worst. But I just took some paracetamol and just endured that fever. Thinking I would burden people even more, I just kept quiet about it. the next day, my throat got worst, so did my fever. Went to a stupid clinic, they just give me an MC, saying there’s nothing wrong with me. again, I endured that fever which I knew it’s getting worst and took some paracetamol and stuck some cooling gel on my head. That night, mom called. She heard my voice got raspy. I told her I just had a slight fever, not to worry her. but then, guilt hit me. I told her about the extension, which at that time she didn’t knew. She was mad, I knew she was. She insisted me to appeal to the university and said I may have the fever because of overthinking about this, wanted to hide it. I said that I didn’t wanna hide it, and I was going to tell her. and the fact that it was raining the day before that made me have that fever, though i'm usually tough. she seemed to not believe me. but what can I do. I tried to convince her especially about the extension.

The next day, I went to my faculty manager and she said she couldn’t do anything. and it’s definite extension for me. only God knows how I felt at that time. I thought I would collapsed right at that moment. but thank God I didn’t. but I was blank, speechless. Everything’s falling apart for me at that time. And my fever didn’t help either. But then I thought I should settled on my fever first. So I went to another doctor, he said my state was so bad. It could go worst in a nick of time. and I even got some red spots which I thought was my allergies. I went back and told my mom again about the extension. She was sad, disappointed. It’s so clear through her voice. My heart sank with hers. I just didn’t know what to do. She even hung up. but that night, she called me again. she said not to overthink about it. it maybe hard in the future but she said it will be okay. I just got to study hard. that’s it. she knew I’m this overthinking type of person. I was a bit relieved with that phone call. Though guilt hit me really, extremely hard. she asked me about my fever, I told her, part of it. but I asked her to not worry about me. that I would be okay. and it’s going to subside soon enough. I didn’t want her to worry about me anymore, not after the extension news. I didn’t her to carry more burden that she already had. But she did say to go to the hospital, if it got worse. Again, I tried to convince her to stop worrying about me and that I would be okay.

I guess bearing too much really got the worst of me. I was sick like a dog. The next day, I woke up with the red spots spread on the sides of my palms, feet and some other places. It’s not itchy. As the matter of fact, it’s kinda painful if i pressed (even gently) on the spots. I cant really grab things nor can I walk that much. And so i went to the hospital. Because I didn’t want to burden anyone, I drove myself there. it was funny since I had to open my fingers and drove with only the heel of my palms. And since my feet had those too, I can’t really pressed on the pedals. Indeed it was really dangerous. And painful. But I had to bear it.

The doctor then diagnosed me with this thing called hand, foot and mouth disease. But good thing my mouth was cleared from it. it’s viral, it could spread to other people. And I had to isolate myself, the doctor asked me to. It’s good since I’ve been isolating myself since forever. It didn’t matter much. since the series of events happening before it, I’ve been isolating myself from people. I told my mom, about the disease, just the disease, minus the painful state that I was having. she was worried. Really worried. Which was opposing  to what I wanted of her. she said my elder would come and fetch me, on the next day, or the next 2 days? I guess? I cant really remember it well, since this was like a month ago. I told a friend of mine. She’s also worried. But since she had fever, I said to her not to worry. she should took care of herself even more than to worry about me. right? but at least, she heard me. I’m really grateful of that. Thank you tira. Though it’s not much, but thank you.

I went back, and pain started to kick in. I really cant grab thing much, I walked miserably. It’s like I better off laying. Like I was bed ridden. And since my tonsil was really bad, I can’t eat anything. I just keep on drinking. it was funny because I thought I could lessen my weight using this opportunity. But the pain was much more than just a mere fun.

For a week, I went back to my real home, not the one I rented. It was somewhat like hell to me. my hands and feet were full of spots. I cant walk, I cant even stand. I cant grab, or even touch anything. due to the awful sting on the spots whenever I do something, all I could do was lay on my bed. it was meant to be that way. But I didn’t. I went against it. I walked, more like I crawled, I tried to do things by myself, thinking my presence was enough burden to my parents. They’re worried but I kept on saying I was okay, I could endure it, I didn’t want to be spoilt. Even though only God knows how I cant do them at all. It was so painful that I thought I was walking on endless spikes or needles or holding or touching them. but I tried to fake a smile, laughter whenever they asked me about the pain. I said it was just a little bit, nothing much to worry about. And at night, I would cry, burying my face onto my favorite pillow, just like a kid. I said to myself “it was hard, but at least I’m still alive. There are people with even more worst disease than me. this would subside sooner than I think.” I know I was crazy but that’s the only thing that I could do. There were so many times that I almost fall whenever I tried to stand, and when I tried to stand while holding on something, my hands started to sting like hell. I just didn’t know what else to do. Everything that I did, it felt wrong, painful and just unbearable. But I always put a smile so no one worries about me.

Even everyone the house afraid to touch me. the closest was when mom sat on my bed, waking me up every morning for Sahur. I saw she wanted to touch me but she was afraid. I was extremely sad but then again, I said to her, even before that, to not touch me. I didn’t want her to be infected. Also to other family members. But truthfully, I was extremely sad. Mom and me are like best friends. normally we would hug each other, joke around and all. we’re so close like that. but since I got this disease, I can only looked at her, others. seeing my hands, she said she wanted to fed me, on the first day I came home, but I said it was fine, I could do it myself. like I said, I didn’t want her to get infected. It would be the worse feeling ever. But then, for the whole week I became just the burden when I cant help her clean or do any chores that always have been mine. As I watched do all that all by herself, I felt really guilty. She said she understood and that she was fine since she’s being doing it all along when I’m not home. But I knew it was my duty whenever I got home, real home. But just by watching her, it saddened me. I felt really guilty. I really wished that the disease would disappear and I could help her. I’ve worried her enough with my study, why should I leave her worry about me more than she should. Oh and I tried to wash the dishes once, and it was really bad on my side. but I tried to endure it real hard, until she said it’s enough. she said im torturing myself. I guess I did. but it’s much more unbearable to watch her instead.

And I remembered something. Mom said “maybe my prayers worked. You’ve been away for too long and all I could hear is your voice through phone calls. Since I miss you so much I prayed that you’ll be back sooner, or  that you fall ill you just had to come back home.” Actually, I was supposed to go back even later. And that her prayers actually worked. Because she missed me. and that even made me feel more guilty than I already was. I thought it was so stupid of me, for not realizing that. but not because I wanted to, I had a lot of work that I need to settle and midterm exams to sit. But I guess, that what they say mother’s prayers will be granted, no matter what they are. I really did come back, like she wanted to. And even with an illness.

Mom also said to me that I need to be happy. I didn’t even know why she said that. she said she had the feeling that I was sad these recent months and I wasn’t myself anymore. she said I looked depressed, despite the pain which also caused me black panda eyes due to lack of sleep. she said I looked depressed, unhappy and stressed out. And there’s this one friend of dad, I don’t say he’s a shaman or something but he could ‘see’ what happened to me. he said my spirit was a bit off lately. I’m not myself and so on. that’s what he saw in me. I guess it’s true somehow. I’m too depressed to bother. Mom said I need to control my emotion and avoid anything that may make me depress. Because if I don’t, it will get worse.

After that week, I went back to my rented apartment. That’s when another wave of negative emotion hit me. Friends avoided me, some didn’t actually believe I was sick. Some pretended to care, others don’t seem to bother. But for me, don’t bother to care if you’re not sincere enough to care. It’s hurting me even more. There’s one even asked me “am I gonna be infected if I sit beside you? will spread through air?” she asked it almost seriously. it’s fucking hurt, you know? I almost said “if I knew I should still be isolating and it’s still not cured, I wont go to class, I wont go near you or anyone! If you’re too afraid then don’t fucking sit beside me!” but I didn’t. I said something else, but then she said I took her question too seriously. I mean come on, I’m in the state recovery. Don’t play with my emotion like that. and don’t stick to me if you’re too afraid. I don’t need you to stick like that. only God knows how I endured my mouth, mind and heart and even at a point, my hand. there’s even walked far away like I’m a walking hazard, walking infectious creature. Come on. I’m not dumb to go to class if I can still spread this fucking disease to you all. and don’t even look at me like I’m that disgusting either. I’M NOT GONNA TOUCH YOU. I’M NOT GONNA HUG YOU. I’M NOT GONNA DO ANYTHING TO YOU ALL. anymore. I’m sick being treated like this. it’s not that all of you bother anymore. trust me, even if I was warded, I won’t tell to you guys anyway. Because you know what? I know you guys don’t bother. It gonna hurt me even more. At one point I even thought that even I fainted, collapsed even died alone here, don’t bother to care. I’ve hurt enough, even before I got sick, long before. I’ve been isolated by you guys anyways, what’s the point to care about me now?

I don’t say that im that good. but somehow, im glad being like this. we don’t have to pretend anymore do we? I don’t have to pretend and so you guys towards me. let’s just live our lives like strangers we already become. Don’t pretend to care anymore.

But truthfully, I wished to have friends that truly care about me. there were moments that I felt like I need to lean to someone, seeking help or comfort but I know it’s impossible. Because whenever I do that, the other person may want something in return. At times, I just want a friend that really lends me an ear without saying his/her problem back to me and ignore what I just said. that’s why I’ve decided long ago, since forever, to just keep my problems to myself because I know it’s not worth telling anyone. They’ll not listen to it. even if they do, they pretended to do so. I don’t want it to be unfair and unjust to them by letting them pretend like that. so I’ll just sacrifice myself and listen to them but I’ll just keep mine to myself. yes, I know by saying this it’s like saying I’m good and you all aren’t. no, because that’s the reality. And I’m sick of that. and that’s why, to not have them listen to my problem, I don’t listen to theirs. And by that I avoided them all. so, by avoiding them, I don’t have to face the good and the bad of them. and that it’s my fault that they avoided me now. the disease is just a path for them to avoid more. Well, we’re all not in good terms anymore, so nothing’s changed. But what I wanna is that at times I need some support, a little, tiny support from a group of people called friends, I don’t get one. And I don’t bother to have that support anymore. because having that support is a huge burden for me in the future. So yeah, I don’t need it. I can support my own self. I’m still alive and capable of doing things on my own.

An old friend used to say to me that I’ve kept too many things bottled up in me. she said one day I’ll go crazy.  At first I said to her that it’s okay. and now, I think I’m in the verge of that. but God’s here with me. Always with me. I know I could survive and alive as a normal person. But since long ago, I don’t trust anyone. But after having this illness, it showed more than just people who I should avoid. It showed people I should still be friend with too. and some that I don’t expect.

But like mom said “these friends you have now don’t necessarily keep being your friend in the future. But always know that you’ll have new, other friends in the future.” I guess that’s true.

And aside from all these, I got a few good chances, which I think thanks to God I managed to get them. and there are other people who concerned about me.

However, being said all this, I don’t want any sympathy. That’s the last thing I wanted from any one of you. im just telling all this is because I cant bear it anymore. at least, you all, despite being strangers could feel what I feel. I know some of you may feel like this is just a normal life and it’s nothing for me to exaggerated or make drama of, but trust me, be in my shoe and you’ll know how I feel. I don’t want all these happened to me either but it happened, them all. and right now, I’m accepting them one by one.

Oh yeah, about my disease, the red spots are pretty much gone. But it starts to peel, the skin that is. so basically it’s hard for me to shower or anything involve with water. Because if it’s soaked, trust me you don’t want look at it. as one person said to me “you’re like a snake, shaking off its skin.” It’s scary looking. So I guess people would be more afraid now than before. and since it’s peeling off, it’s sting as much as the first time I had it. so I cant really walk or do anything I want recklessly. It’s just like back to square one. Only it’s much bearable than before. mom’s able to touch me again but she’s said my palms are rough, so she’s quite eerie when I touched her. so better not touch her or anyone then. All that I have are pillows, teddies. At least better than hugging nothing at all. heh.

Yeah, that’s my story. And tell you what? I cried while writing this. i poured my heart’s out while writing this. so I don’t mind if you think I’m such a drama or whatever.  but this is what I’ve been feeling, going through. and all I want is to have at least one person to understand how I feel, aside from my family. That’s all. but I know it’s just a wishful thinking.


p/s : “As I hide my sad tears for that one cause, I will leave, but please remember me. Please don't forget me.”

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