Tuesday, October 10, 2017


hey peeps! I know it's been a while but hey let's just start (putting aside the last post as that's more of an update) with something sassy, scandalous and well, something i can't grasp till today.

Perampas, someone that tries to be or an actual home wrecker. A slut. Okay slut is kinda like too far but hey, it gives off the same vibe. *shrugs*

I was talking to my mom about a male cousin of mine, let's call him R. Me and him, we're kinda like good buddies. Of the same age. Brought up together. So we're kinda close. So he's married, about a year or so.

The wife, N, not the prettiest. But she's nice, at first. Good repo, i must say. Polite, pious, friendly, adaptable, rajin, well i could go on and on about how nice she is, on the outside. Like i said, she got a good repo. Elders adore her, the young ones like her. I even said to R's sister, N is a good example, wifey material.

But you know, i can feel when things ain't right. At first i thought it's like a paranoia. She seems to act differently whenever R and me like hanging out, sembang2. Like i said, we're close. And he's like very talkative. So there's always things to say, to discuss. But when he got excited, she will buat muka. I mean, i get it. Jealousy. But at the time, i feel like it's just me, thinking that.

Slowly, R seems to create a gap. And it's widen. They will spend the night in our house like every fortnight or so but. Slowly, they just didn't. Well R wanted to but he would cancel at the very last minute. I mean I'm cool with that. He's married anyway. But he seemed different. Less talk, avoiding conversations. Just unfamiliar. And it's not just me this time. But everyone in the house felt it but never actually talked about it.

Long story short, she got issues. Especially with those whose pregnant. And when we (my family) talked about it, they agreed that N could be the cause. Like she's afraid. Insecure. Of how closed R and myself. I know, the way that I dress at home really doesn't help with situation. I mean he's a nice, somewhat islamic guy, and I'm like, how should put it? I 'expose' myself too much at home? Lol i mean it's my house, my home after all. I mean it's not like i wear something raunchy but like seriously? My leg hair is crazier than his. Lol

The fact that he used to, whenever he came over, he would come and lie next to me and talked and watched movie till morning. Slapped each other. Laughed at each other. I mean we're just close.

Alright i may be daring and like sometimes overly confident. But girl, seriously? Time and time again, i gotta boost your ego, your confidence. I kept on convincing her that he would not look at other girls. Truth be told, he's not good looking. He knows that. I even said that to him and he acknowledged it with laughter. Time and time again i said, i proved we're just cousins and nothing more. But she's just. I don't know.

So my mom said maybe she's just afraid that i will rampas him from her. Like girl, are you serious? lol that's the funniest thing ever.

But this situation just clicked on my past memories. During schooling years, college years. I faced the same thing in every era.

And then I realised. I have issues with couples.

(Wow it took me this long to get to the real deal lol fuck me!)

I remember i got somewhat like a bestie during primary school. We used to hangout. She's nice. WAS nice to me. When we get to high school, despite being in different classes we remained friends. And then one day she told me she liked a boy in my class and he happened to be my friend. Most of my friends happened to be boys at the time. Like 80% of them were boys. So this guy was kind cool. He's super tall and he's somewhat popular coz he got the look? I guess? Idk. He's a drummer too btw. Like they have an actual band, they did some gigs. Normally me and the boys with few girls would hangout in class during recess (we're kinda bad students btw) and like practiced some songs. Being a good friend, i tried to help her. I told him about her, and her feelings. He's a jerk tho, coz he knew he's like kinda good looking. He flat out rejected her. Like "fuck, that bitch is ugly. And fat. No I don't like her." Things like that. I mean the boys, they've been telling me they wanna have fun, they wanna get the pretty girls but one day they wanna settle down with the good, nice girls. But for the time being, they wanna some hot ladies. I get that. But my intention, my help, turned into something that I didn't expect to happen. I heard from the girls that the bestie of mine (at the time) said i wanted to rampas him instead. Like wtf?

Fyi, i have a secret pledge for myself that i would not take or rampas any guy that any of my friends like. Like i wont do that.

Thanks to her being such a bitch, which she just avoided me, after a lil confrontation, I thought hey i might just go ahead and get closer to the guy! And he's like always nice to me, at times he bullied me but i bullied him as much. Okay so I was a mean bitch by trying to get cosy with him but like wtv. We remained friends until we're done with high school and i never contacted him again.

High school drama never ends, truly. I got another bestie. She's the new girl and from the next class. She liked this super reserved guy from another different class. Heard rumours that he was so fat but like after one long school holidays and few months after that he lost super effing weight, and eventually got hotter? Body wise and personality wise. I mean i like cool, mysterious guys, those that don't speak much but like not poyo at the same time. But he did look good and got this mysterious vibe. And so my friend, who we shared common love of music, she said she got a crush on this guy. I had this repo of being a cupid, by cupid i mean postwoman. Lol so she asked for my help knowing my repo. She asked me to give him a letter. So i said okay. I remember it was sometime around after recess, when everyone was rushing back to class, i went to his class. I knew most of the bad male students. He's definitely not a bad student. In fact he has this noble aura going on. Lol I was like asking the guys in his class to ask him to come out so that i could pass him the letter. He came out with a confused face. (I have like super good memories, don't judge me) and it's kinda cute coz he seemed scared of me. (Yeah, i was always punished for bringing illegal things in school, cut classes, vandalism etc etc... Bad repo. Thanks. I changed, just so yall know lol) so i said something like "hey dude, listen, my friend wanted me to pass you this. *give letter* she likes you. So reply this." in the almost thuggish way. Lol so funny. He was shocked but he said thanks and i just nodded and left the scene. The boys were asking, i was like "hell nah, just being cupid. As usual." They knew my deal anyway. Fast forward, they did text, share music through the texts. But they never hangout like face to face. So one day he asked her out, i guess on a date. But then it didn't work out. But then what shook me was that she said to me "why do i feel he keeps on describing you in our conversion?" I was like "explain". Obviously we weren't allowed to bring phones in school. But i did. Lol so she said "like he mentioned your class, he described you, as in you, you." I was like okay so? But i told to keep texting him, maybe she's just paranoid or wtv. As days went by, whenever i saw the guy at the hallways, he would smile, like shy smile. In my brain, I was like wtf dude? But i just smiled like straight face smile because i thought maybe they sorted things out. So i thought everything was fine. This went on about almost a year or so? And then i remember when almost time for SPM, my friend brought the topic up again, about him describing me. I was like i don't know shit. Like i didn't even have his number. I didn't even talk to him in school. She said about him saw her which was actually me. Because she would ran and hide whenever she saw him. I guess she wanted to test if things were right, she asked me to send a letter to him. Wait! That's not it! I think i went to confront him about this! Yes! I said to her that i will go and ask him about it. Which i did. I went to his class, called him out and dragged him to the emergency exit. I can't remember exactly what i said but i think i asked him like did he really know who he texted and that my friend really liked him and she wanted clarification. He was shocked. I was shocked because he was shocked. Lol he said "so it wasn't you? I thought it was you all along!" I said "obviously it wasn't me! Like i said from the beginning that MY FRIEND wanted me to send the letters." As adorable how shocked he was, i felt guilty towards my friend. But it's great knowing he was interested in me lol oh fuck, I'm such a bitch. So when i told her about him thinking it was me that he texted, she cried. Obviously. And heartbroken too. Obviously. He even stopped texting her ever since. She asked me if ever talked to him again, i said no. But he did smile to me whenever we saw each other. I just acknowledged it as it was. I think he did say hi about once or twice but that's about it. I felt guilty af. Tho I shouldn't, right? And then me and her just grew apart. I believed she joined the 'mandy is perampas' girl squad for a while and just lost within that sea of people. And i never heard of the guy either. After years, in my mind, I thought, i should just take the offer. Get closer to the guy. So I won't be as #foreveralone as i am now. I could have been with someone. What a life. What a lost opportunity. But then i remember, i dont wanna be a slut. That's the route i took. It's not really a slut thing but like i don't know. I mean if i knew she would join that club, I would just take the guy. But wtv. Past is past.

Well there are other stories but i think that's enough for now. I know i know. High school drama. But like i said as the era changed, this issue still remains the same. I don't intend to be a perampas. I never even thought to be one. Like why would i? And most of them, who called me that, were closed to me. Like such a waste of good friendships. But it's a good lesson for me tho. Like if you actually want someone, just go get them yourself. And if the guy is good enough and he likes you, just go for it. And redha if he doesn't.

But that's that. Nothing's change. I am alone as ever. But like my mom said, maybe i will get someone better. Best of the best. Who knows? God knows what's best for me and i truly believe that. So I'm just gonna wait at this tower, looking at the stars, waiting for my prince charming on a white horse to come and sweep me off my feet, if he can tho coz I'm heavy af lol

One thing tho. Ever since forever, whenever someone called me perampas or if i heard rumours about me being a perampas, i gotta say it boosts up my confidence even more. Like "oh yeah? I guess this face, thicc body (padahal gemuk lol) does me good then. Market ada la kiranya! Lol" i can't even be mad. Like that makes me some kind of 'hot stuff' lah lol puih berangan! But a girl can dream. I mean being a hot stuff, not a slut Lol

Well that is all for this post. So girls out there just be yourself. Be confident. If you know what you did is right, just act like wtv. Have a crush? Go for it! Body shamed? Brush it off! You wouldn't know what in store for you so just go ahead and dare yourself! (Note to self)

This reminds me of the movie Easy A lol


P/s: less daring now, tu yang foreveralone tu. lol

#nowlistening : i wanna be yours by arctic monkeys

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