Sunday, September 17, 2017

i'm back, back again

Hey what is up you guys! So it's been i don't know? 3 years of hiatus? I feel bad, seriously, for ditching this blog. I loved it. It's like my little diary which happens to be public and for everyone to read. Lol why did i even stop? I can't even remember it myself.

About a few weeks ago, i suddenly opened this blog again and i said to myself "you know what? Imma start writing again! Now that i am free and wiser and after many things that have happened. I finally got a reason to write again!" And so i did.

So this post is more or less like an update. When i say update, it's gonna be a super duper long one. Worth the 3 missing years! Lol maybe not.

So let's start of with yours truly. I have finally graduated in 2015. Started pupillage/chambering in January 2016. Had my convocation somewhere in September 2016. Called to the bar 2 days before Xmas of the same year. Started practicing January this year. The journey was tough, but I'm glad that i got them done. I managed to hang on. To keep moving. Despite all the breakdowns, the frustration, the anger etc I'm pretty much alive and well. Never leave my emo being though. Still emo as ever. Still having this little black emo heart in this soulless shell named body. But i feel wiser now. More mature. Though at times i feel dead inside. I realised that i have more responsibilities, more feelings to be taken care of. Even more so concealing my feelings, more than ever, if that is even possible. Since I'm living back with my parents. My emotions are pretty much happy and bright on the outside. At times i feel dark and sorrow on the inside but it's fine. It's normal. It's just a feeling after all. It will pass. Right? Sigh. 

Oh yeah, despite hating law course, i think I'm doing good being a lawyer, pretty much. Lol thanks to my mom for helping me with basically everything. Trust me, no one cares about me in the office and can only lean on my mom to learn things, at home. Which she will give me lectures and tutorials on how to deal with this and that. That, i will vent in my other future posts. But I'm thankful, clearly because my mom is here to teach me everything. Tak la terkontang sangat. but i know many people got it worse. so i'm basically thankful for that.

Also, i did give some thoughts about furthering studies. Now that i have the civil license, I thought of having the syarie one as well. But to have that i gotta go and take a diploma for it. I'm planning to do so next year. And i have this future planning of maybe taking another diploma in business or psychology after that. I love to study, but i wanna do something that i like this time. Or at least beneficial for my future. My parents are super supportive when regards to this. Mom said better to do it when you're still single. True that. We shall see what the future holds for me.

On to my family. My dearest, beloved grandmother passed away mid January this year. We kinda already seen it coming. I was hoping she could go for another year or two. But at least i managed to make her proud and happy during her last days. I managed to be admitted as a lawyer before she died and i just couldn't describe how happy i made her when i said i finally became a lawyer. At the time, i knew, she wasn't there anymore. Her soul wasn't probably there anymore. She was in her 44 days period before death. But surprisingly she looked at me, smiled ever so softly while laying motionless on her bed when i told her the good news. I was the one who saw her taking her final breath too. Man, I'm writing this in massage parlour while getting my feet massage and i feel like tearing up. Not cool. Lol but will write about this up in another post. But i missed her ever so much. I can't even describe it. Semoga doa aku sampai, that's all. Deep breath. 

My parents, well they remained the same. Mom, she's getting older, i can feel that. I'm scared. I truly am. She's getting tired. And i still act like a baby around her. Which is opposed to what i should do, that is helping her. I tried to help her financially, I became her personal driver, personal bag carrier. Lol but I'm trying my best. My father, well he, after about 2months my grandmother died, he got a heart attack. Which almost cost his life. At the time, actually we're still recovering from my grandmother's death, we were so scared that we would lose him too. It's just unbearable. Doctors required stands (the spring thingy) to be inserted and now he's getting better. Well he tends to act tough but we all know he's being pretentious. At night he would sit down, trying to calm himself. His asthma isn't helping either. But still, he's getting better. Day by day it's getting harder for me to just leave them, especially when it's just me and parents living in this house. I just don't wanna regret anything. After the death of my grandmother, it's just freaking me out. Everything. I just don't wanna lose anyone but i know I can't control anything. But at least I don't wanna regret anything. Uhhh. Fml. 

My brother, my dear ol brother. He got married. Got a year old son. Soon to be another one popping out the oven. My mom babysits the boy from noon to maghrib as my brother basically moved out now. As much as i hate kids, especially when they scream and cry, this kid grew on me. I mean he wants my parents and me more than his parents. Like how is that possible. The kid kinda scared of me but like he likes to tease me a lot. They all said maybe he sees me as someone of his age so he likes to play with me, like a lot. Thanks to his hyper ness i don't even need to go to gym and just chase him around. Thanks kid. I dont say i super love him, but yeah, it's bearable. At times he clings to me too much. So annoying. But yeah wtv.  He called me "D" too? like from Wee to B to D? my mom said it could like 'darling'? coz he always called it me out like in a very soft manner. like "d~~" so he's kinda like my mom's bff and like idk my boyfriend. lol you're good kid, you're good.

Love life? Alone as ever. Still in my dream world full of cuties, bass players, handsome daddies lol when i think about it, I didn't even make an effort to find someone like real person in like 5 years. None approached me either. Again, like i said to myself and to everyone, "lelaki melayu/malaysia suka bihun". What do you mean bihun? Putih, kurus. And i'm like udon right here tqvm. Lol mom be like "go find a mat salleh lah. Like finn balor ke." Finn balor is a wwe wrestler btw and super hot. And an irish man too! yums! Lol on a serious note, i've been thinking about other things too much that i tend to brush this topic off. Like for some reasons i just wanna keep dreaming, as it would hurt less. But one thing fer sure, i want a husband and not just boyfriend. Stability is my priority. Ya know what i mean? Besides, I've hit passed the 'i want a bf!' period like long ago. Soon to be 26, so i should at least think of stability. Right? Wrong? Lol wtv man. But right now, parents is my no 1 priority. 

Well this isn't as long as i expected to be. But maybe I'll write in a much detail manner in another posts. Depends on my kerajinan though.

Oh yeah! Before i end this post, me and min have a youtube channel together! Click on this link to check us out!


P/s: #nowlistening - cancer by mcr. Fuck.

also this was written like last 2 weeks. lol #stillprocrastinatingthings

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