a deceitful smile, for you

hey peeps. it's been a while, hasnt it? sorry, i've been busy with something else. i could feel the dustiness of this blog. but i really dont have anything to write. but maybe today i got one. and let me warn you, it's kinda emotional? well, i dont wanna put it like that but it could turn out like that. and it could bring confusion and misunderstanding. might as well dont read it.

okay, the truth is that i felt i've changed these days. i'm much more sensitive? i dont know. rather than sensitive, i'm somewhat more frank? i dont know how put it in words. it's these emotions playing around in my mind and of course in my heart too. maybe lonesome? i don't know. but what i do know that these emotions are piling up in me. 

some things happened. quite a few things. and they happened along this 2012. and i could put as first half of 2012 and the soon second half to be, not my year. i faced a lot of heartaches, not the love ones, but other kind of heartaches to the extent that some of it were unbearable. it's not just involving myself but there were some that involved my family too. it makes it more hurtful. but you know, for everyone, i tried to endure it. i can't lie to myself, these things are painful, very hurtful. and as much as i wanna forget them, i just can't. somehow they left scars. my mind, my heart even my reputation, my pride too. i don't just talk about them to everyone as i know not everyone wanna listen. they said they would or willing to but... well i dont wanna put it as a lie but i know, everyone has their own problems and maybe even bigger than mine. 

we just have to be the listener. but listening is tiring. listening is boring. listening is sicking. but! when only it's too much than it should be. i'm not pointing this to any specific individual. it's a general thing and i bet everyone would agree to this. right? if it's just a small little thing, bear it, solve it, confront it or anything that you could with it. if it's a huge thing, maybe seeking for an advice is good. 

what am i blabbering right now? 

some things are connected to each other and it was unbearable but it became bearable and became unbearable again. i know i wasnt supposed to make it the same or to even compare it but the similarities, i just can't overlook. i could feel my brain is cracking, as well as my heart. not because of studies but due to all these craps. should have forgotten them but there are things ignited them. the medium has now dysfunction, as far as i'm concerned. but there are other mediums penetrating in, trying to find useful information, turning it to a source to bombard. a fort has been built but i'm not sure it's good enough to defend. to ignore it somehow is hard. i dont wanna turn it into an infection. 

i dont hate people. i just dont. but i  may dislike. it's hard for me to forget but i definitely forgive. i dont put myself as revengeful person but whatever that has happened, bad or good, my mind kept it well and safe. i'm suffering because of that. because my mind keeps on reminding me things i dont wanna remember anymore. the fact that i, myself am not a good person. so i hope for forgiveness. 

again, what am i saying? why am i saying all these? i dont even have the answers. i couldn't keep my mind straight. but it shouldnt be a bother to all of you. don't worry, i'm not gonna smack you all or something. but sometimes, like i used to say to a friend of mine which i think of her like my sister, "you wouldn't know if one day, you'll see me, not here but in the asylum." she got mad at me because i kept things to myself too much. i wasn't like back then in high school where i could just lift the chair and threw it to someone whenever i wanted to vent my anger. i'm going 21 this year. problems are getting complicated and i need to face and solve it like an adult. but i don't know if i will be as rationale as i should be in the future. when it involves the world rather than a small group of people, i don't think it's easy to tackle. but it's a good thing when there's God and a family that always backed you up and constantly being there with you. even that, i just can't show my sadness to them. my family put me as a heartless person, never let a tear fall. but sadly, i'm not as heartless. but i managed to show one, being all heartless. heartless and ignorant. 

but seriously, right now, i feel heartless. i don't know how i feel now. well, i don't feel a thing. it's blank, empty. it made me wonder if my heart still functioning well. well, it is since i'm still breathing and all. i'm still alive, alhamdulillah. 

well, let's just put these as phases that i must go through in life. we need to be optimistic. Allah's always there. and like i used to say to a few people, if we feel we're right, we need to stand firm. if we feel that we're wrong, just apologize. but i just gotta say this, i'm tired of obliging people and just let them step me, my mind, heart and pride and my family like it's nothing. it's not nothing. it's something. but i know, God is there and he'll judge for whatever we all did, doing and will do. despite all that, there's always a silver lining out of all these. so, it's okay. i'll endure as much as i could. well, i think studies could cover these sores up for a moment. i hope. 

"apa2 je lah. lantak lah. suka hati lah. biar je la. tak yah la amek port. tak yah la amek peduli." these are the words by my accomplice, my one and only brother. we faced quite a few things together. and we always cheer ourselves up like this. and mom and dad would say the same. "let it be. it's alright. it's nothing. it'd be fine. it will be okay." and so these all will be my words, i hope, to everything that happened, happens and will happen in the future.

oh and people who knew what i'm saying, do keep it as a secret please? i beg of you. the things i said were important to be closed and sealed. 

well, i dont suppose this to be writing all these right here. i know there'll be misunderstanding or some sort but hey! this is my blog. i can't write whatever i want here. but i hope there's none of that negativity. this is purely from my heart. i dont intend for any sympathy nor misunderstanding. i dont mind if you guys wanna laugh at me for being this miserable because i dont care. i know there are people who are much more in misery, having much bigger problems than mine, maybe even more humiliating. i could see my problems as small, tiny bits compared to other people. so i dont deserve any pity or anything. because you know what? i'm alright! i'm fine. perfectly fine. i'm eating right and sleeping comfortably. 

oh yeah, to occupy myself, i played a game in ipad called 'shall we date? : Ninja Love'. i fall in love with the rpg and the characters. sasuke, kotaro and saizo. i guess that sis i said in the previous paragraphs knew about this. lol i should find a boyfriend, a combination of these three characters. hehehehe well at least it pushes my heart to a happy state and my mind too.

fin

p/s : smile. 

oh and i'm listening to 2ne1's i love you. i'm loving it. hehehe

MERONG! ;P

I kept sticking my tongue back at him. lol. i've gone mad. damn you choi seunghyun! hahahahah well, such a cutie pie, doing like that. i don't get the fingers actually, moving like that. lol

fin

p/s : i wanna kiss youhhhhh!!! hahahahah

that smirk

somehow i found this rather amusing. that creep-ish smirk of chansung and taecyeon who was about to laugh due to the stubborn-ess of chansung. lol this is fairly amusing.

fin


p/s : love guys with handsome smirk.

*dies*

Bigbang Alive Tour

so you guys must be wondering why i didnt update anything yet about this. well, firstly i do know they're coming and secondly, I SURE AM GOING BETTCCHHH!!!! lol oh! TOP hates girls who like to curse, so i'm gonna take it back. i'll be going yalls! heheheeh


My cousin told me about this since i was having internet problem. He was like "Mandy! Mandy! Do you know BB's coming to Malaysia?" and i was like "What? When?" He went like "They just announced it in the net. Check out the news too. it's all over the media now." and i was like "omg! how didnt i know about that?" He was then like "You're going, arent you? your face, heheheh so excited!" i was like nodding, shrieking and everything. lol


and then i told mom about it.  She was between don't care and okay, i do care. She was like asking me 21 questions. "When? where? How much is the ticket? Who are you going with?" and all. and then i said "For sure it's in KL. When, i dont know." at that time i said June or July but right now, my calculation would be somewhere between october and november. Dear God, please let it be on my birthday, on the halloween day itself! pleasseeee~~~??? heheheh i would be so happy if it's on my bday. and the about the ticket, i just said i dont know but i'll just save up some money. 


and about the person i'm going with. personally i feel so lucky and thankful that when i asked Farah to join and she agreed to it. THANKS SO MUCH FARAH!! LOVE YAAA!!! Farah, let's save up some more and buy the merchandise too!! heheheeh and don't worry, i'll inform you about everything.


so mom said okay and she said to let my brother send me to the venue and all. basically she's okay with it and YAY! I'M HAPPY! 


well, that's all for now. i'll update later. got something to do. bye!


fin


p/s : let there be miracles or at least a miracle that night. ;p

high cut

well it's been a while i posted something here. i was busy, real busy, so i'm very sorry mi dear blog. so in this post, i'm gonna be boasting about something. I BOUGHT HIGH CUT MAG WITH BIGBANG TOP IN IT!! well, i bought it like a month? 2 months ago? lol well here some of the pictures of it.

i bought it through ebay and i'm so effingly happy about it! i even shrieked! since i got it at the office, the staffs there were like curious because it came as a parcel. they even tried to snatch it from me. though i was like very excited about it, i restrained myself from opening it.

when i went home, opened it in front of my parents, they werent shock instead they were like 'oh, what type of mag is that?' i told them and they were like having a look at it. mom liked the styles and dad's face was like 'that's the guy that my daughter loves? okay.' mom was like 'no wonder you bought this. isnt this the korean guy you adore so much?' i nodded and grinned and all. they didnt even asked how much it cost me or anything. they were like 'as long as you're happy, we're happy'. so thanks mom, thanks dad! heheheheheehe


fin


p/s : i was about to write something but i forgot what it was. well let me think about it again and i'll write it here. okay bye!

boy-what?

well, this is a quick one. they thought TOP IS MY BOYFRIEND yalllsssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why? because i put up this picture as my BB's wallpaper. they said he's handsome, cute. they really believed it. even when i denied it. then i just said, yeah. heheheheheh me likesss. and the fact that the bosses even peeked and thought the same. i think? lol

oh yes, speaking of boyfriend, i got a story to tell. oh this aint gonna be a quick one now. lol yesterday morning, as my brother sent me to the office, he said that "you know what lil sis? i think you should find yourself a boyfriend. he could send and pick you up from work." and i said "better find me a driver if it meant for only driving me here and there." he stood firm to his idea. well, yes, my brother has been my official driver after the parking bays are all expensive here. you want cheap? you have to walk so far away, getting all sweaty before you managed to get to office. oh hell no!! i'm so not gonna do that. since he agreed, he's the one been sending me and picking me up. which i like. lol he even said of telling or suggesting this to mama. normally he would be playing but this time, he really did it. last night, before we four had dinner, he literally suggested that to my mom. mama was backing me up saying that better to get me a driver. mom even said "your dad had 2 PAs who are also his drivers, why don't let one of them or letting them taking turns to send your little sister?" my brother disagreed. "boyfriend is much better, ma." after much arguing, suddenly, mom said something about my brother and having girlfriend. i made an evil face and laughing my ass off at him. lol it didnt end there, sadly. dinner time, he said it again. dad was there at that time. dad was like speechless? he didnt make any comment. just a slight smile to my bro's silliness maybe. i was like 'shut up baffoon!'. but i just said "hey!!!" instead. mom was again, backing me up. thank God. all hail to mama! lol i said to my bro that "it's your obligations as a brother to bring me to wherever i wanna go." he whined at mom. my parents just laughed at that scene. 

and today, i mean this morning, he mentioned about it again. i just ignored him. he laughed hard, trying to pursuade me to find someone. he's been doing so actually, since the first time he told me about his love life. God~ help me~ i wanna live freely and happily~ lol 

listening to drop it like it's hot by snoop dog and pharell. love love LOVE PHARELL!

fin fin fin ~

p/s : top is my boyfriend, for now. just accept that fact, bro. *smirks*

the 2nd and 3rd week

hey yalls!! im back. updates for the 2nd week of LA. well, there's nothing much. i think i've already get used to things here. not to say a pro but yeah, kinda not that blurred much anymore. things are getting tolerable and manageable. some documents or things, i could it on my own. at times, when i desperately in need of help, i'll just bug them. but not to the extend of annoying them. well, i dont really know if i did but i hope not.

well, on that 2nd week, there's a drama happening at this firm. this one lady and this one kid had this psychological fight or something? it's just about taking note, making sure you're not forgetting what you had done and to make it as future reference. well, the kid was being a rebellious and the lady was being sensitive and all. then one of the lawyers who's actually the neighbor of that girl, wanted me to be the one advising her. i was praying hard since day one to be invisible. and because of this fight, they said i was teaming with the kid, which i'm not. after all the mess, suddenly the two became good again. but just in front of the others. what i can conclude here is that 'too much politic, too much drama.' don't you think? because of them, the others seemed to be treating me differently. the fact that i'm not the one who started the fight or something. come on~ seriously? but because of my well-known ignorance and poker face, i managed to pull through the week. and not to mention good friends who have been supporting and listening to me, rambling about these. thanks so much guys. i know you guys are busy and got own problem but i sincerely thank you all for listening to my ramblings.but right now, everything gone fine. at least on my view. they're nicer to me than before. lol well, they already are, some of them. but now, all of them are on the way on accepting me. hope this goes well till the end of this LA.

the third week, scandal. it started at the end of the 2nd week, actually. the kid spontaneously scandalized me with a young male lawyer here. come on girl. that guy already has a girlfriend. but the girlfriend is as the same age as me. lol and i don't like having scandals either. i had many of them in the past, i'm too old for that now. hahaha but the thing is, the guy wasnt helping either with the situation. well, he didnt know about it. for me, he was just being nice, the normal nice. the kid was the one igniting false scandal between me and him. maybe because he's the one who likes to give me the works, the hard ones, keeping me from getting bored to death. well he called it as a 'help' rather than a work. and the fact that he even gave his personal work one time, an agreement document for me to do. it's just aligning the margins at first, but then he asked me to read it, see if he did it right. because i love doing IT kinda things, because it's much simpler than dealing with these laws, so i did it with relax and glad. oh yes, he even said "this is a personal thing. dont tell anyone okay? i'll treat you later." he said it while putting a finger on his lips, indicating it's a secret. he even chuckled after that. i just laughed and shrugged it off though. it didnt really mean anything. the next two days, i think, he received the work and he said it's good, simply beautiful. in my mind, 'it's just a god-damn margin problem.' i know, it's probably because he's being thankful. so yeah, whatever. and then he continued, saying "so umm the project was in the process now, and i'll receive the money soon. so well, umm i'll treat you then, alright?" i just said "okay cool." who doesnt want free food right? lol that's never the problem. the real problem was, he actually leaned at my table while saying all that with the kid watching. she was like whistling, teasing me after the guy's left. lol funny. i found it just normal but the kid, i just. i dont know. maybe she's jealous? maybe she likes him? who knows, right? well, if she is, then be my guest. take him.make him as your boytoy or something. lol she told me the guy was so naive that he sacrificed and spent for his girlfriend so much, in terms of money that he didnt mind if he, himself got none. he would do anything for her. lol well, good thing the kid wasnt here yesterday. wanna know why? yesterday i spent time, after lunch, with him at the meeting room to settle documents for a litigation process. he's being all blur and i was giving him ideas. he said he didnt have much knowledge about that document. it's about construction contract or something. and i think it's his first time handling such case. before this, he usually do on contracts but other types. so we tried to figure it out together. but then we gotta stop because he gotta rush back home. something happened.but i'm so glad, the kid wasnt there. if not, im pretty much sure that she'll tease me like mad man. today, she's here but the guy's didnt come so i'm off from any scandals or anything. lol thank you God. 

oh yes, mom even said not to create or have any scandal with anyone there, i mean here. people might thought of me seducing the 'victim'. lol come on, ma. why would i do that? it's impossible! lol 

fin

p/s : currently in the office, nothing to do, using the office's PC to write this post. they're amazed. lol